Communicating with Your Teenager

Communication is the single most important aspect of parenting a teenager.

We can give them compassion, understanding and support. We can listen listen to what they have to say and to their opinions. We can also can also discuss situations in a calm and peaceful way so that they don't feel threatened and feel they are in a loving and supportive aptmosphere and environment to express whatever is on their minds.

On the other hand, we can express our anger with them when they have gone against our rules and have done things that we don't approve of or have made us angry or have made us disappointed in them. It is how we handle that anger that becomes key in that relationship with our teenagers as parents. Screaming and yelling does "not" accomplish absolutely anything.

The way we respond to and react to our teenagers will determine whether or not our teenagers will come back to us when they feel the need to share a concern or
come to us for answer or advice or answers the next time.

Believe me they will let you know when they are disappointed. They might even be insulted by the way the discussion is going or how they are being treated. They will not tell you directly but by phrases such as:

"You just don't understand" or "Whatever you say" before walking away from you.

What these phrases really imply:

-They think they have absolutely no input in matters that concern their daily activities
-They feel you are treating them like a child by not giving them a chance to state any of their thoughts on the subject at hand
-You are just not listening to them at all

Take a quick inventory of what was said and ask yourself where you cut your teenager off or out – or stopped listening to their side of the story. Comments like these are a Huge Stop sign!

If you cannot remember where you cut your teenager off then maybe you should ask them.

Here is an example:

One day your teenager comes home from school and tells you that one of their friends started to smoke.

You can either tell your teenager that he better not be smoking, and that if you ever catch them you will punish them one way or another.

Your teenager’s response in this case is going to be something like:”Sure, mom,” and they will turn and walk away.

Now you wonder if they are planning to take up smoking and worry about it. Your teenager is frustrated because you treated them like a child by lecturing instead of listening.

These events will lead to a stressed relationship, constant confrontation, and total frustration for you as well as your teenager.

On the other hand, you could find out what they are thinking and how they see the situation.

If your teenager approaches you with a story or lets you know about something a friend is doing, you can be assured that they have an opinion about the particular situation.

Take advantage of the opportunity to discover your teenager’s values, thoughts, and opinions. Give your teen the message that you are interested in their opinion and want to hear it.

They will be less hesitant to approach you the next time around, eager to talk about whatever is on their mind, discuss it with you and thus draw on your knowledge.

Before getting angry, consider that your teen may have come to you about the “friend smoking” situation -

-to talk about how disappointed they are in their friend
-how angry they are with their friend because they knows that smoking is unhealthy
-Your teen may want, or more importantly may need you to tell them how proud you are of their choice not to smoke.