Principles of Effective Parenting

If the parenting techniques that we are going to present to you are going to be effective in dealing with your son or daughter, they have to make sense to you. There is nothing worse than having someone present something that just doesn’t fit with you and your life experience. If it doesn’t make sense, you’re not going to use it. That is human nature. So in this section, we will try to provide you with a common sense foundation for everything that you are going to learn in this program.
In order to accomplish this, I need to help you understand where I am coming from in terms of kids and parenting. In thinking about it, I have decided to try to take 50 years of life, 25 years of hands on parenting experience, and 16 years of work as a child and family therapist and condense them down to what I believe are the basic Principles of Effective Parenting.

While it all sounds rather officious, I am hoping that, as you read these next few pages, you will be struck by the common sense reflected in these Principles. If you walk away thinking, "That makes sense!" or, even better, "I knew that!", then we are right where we need to be.
So, let’s get to it!

Principle #1: If you try something and it doesn’t work, do something different.
The first time people hear me say this; they look at me as if to say, "Well, duh!!" You’re probably thinking the same thing right now. But think about it for a moment. In our culture, we are taught lovely aphorisms like "If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again" and "Try harder". While this is generally good advice, it can really get us off track because it breeds the tendency, when we try something and it doesn’t work, to determinedly do more of it. For most of us, once we start out on a course of action, if it doesn’t work, we try harder…we literally do more off it. Sadly, in most cases, rather than creating the success we are seeking, the negative results end up being the same, only now, we are frustrated and angry with ourselves because of our failure. And guess what we do then, we just continue doing the same thing, only harder.
While this can be a problem in all aspects of our life, it is an absolute disaster when it comes to parenting.
Throughout the pages of this book, you are going to be exposed to a great many ideas and techniques to help you effectively parent your child. Some will work and, quite frankly, some won’t. After all, every kid is different. What you need to keep in mind, from the outset, is that if you try something and it doesn’t work, try something different. As each kid is different in personality, temperament, and behavior, so too is the parenting technique or approach that will have the greatest effect on them.

Principle #2: No matter what the provocation, never argue with your child.
Like it or not, arguing provides an opportunity for the child to defeat the parent. Arguing levels the playing field between parent and child. When we argue with them, we essentially abdicate our position as parent and elevate the child to the level of a peer. Think about it, if you get into an argument with your spouse or even a friend, you win some and you lose some. When you get into an argument with your child, you always have to win. This is why so many of us find ourselves getting into shouting matches with our teenagers and using tried and ineffective statements like "because I said so". Honestly, did it work when your parents said that to you? Or did it just make you angrier and more determined to do the exact opposite of what they said.
I know it is asking a lot, but our goal has to be to maintain a calm, patient attitude, no matter what the circumstances we find ourselves in.
Principle #3: You have to give respect…to get respect.
Respect is the absolute right of every human being. Parents who show respect for a child win the child’s respect while teaching the child to respect him or herself and others. Pretty obvious huh. Remember, I warned you. But mutual respect is something that, all to often, we adults overlook. Particularly when things get difficult with our children. When they are getting into trouble at home, at school and in the community, we often become very disrespectful and even belligerent in our interactions with them. Our hurt and anger take over and we begin to treat them as little children or, even worse, as non-persons. And when we do this, we only escalate the problems. After a while, all the kid sees is anger. And one thing I am sure of, anger begets anger.
In my years as a therapist, I have worked with an extremely difficult and often violent population. It is the price you pay for being a male in a profession that is dominated by females. When the agency I worked for ran across a particularly belligerent, difficult, and potentially violent kid…he or she went right to the top of my caseload. In each instance, without exception, I found that the kid’s responded to me exactly as I treated them. If I focused on respecting them as persons, recognizing and acknowledging their essential value and strove to really hear and understand their thoughts and feelings, they would invariably provide me with the same courtesy and respect. They learned that they could trust me even when I was saying something they didn’t want to hear. Over time, they became convinced that I honestly cared about them and their future…and had their best interest at heart.
This was proven to me very dramatically only a few days ago. I received a call from a young man that I worked with almost ten years ago. He is an adult now and he and his girlfriend have two children of their own that they are raising. This young man had gotten into some trouble and he needed someone to talk to. So he called me. He told me that there were a lot of people he could talk to, but he wanted to talk to me. He said that I was the only one who could tell him that he was wrong about something without him "losing it". He respects me because he knows in his heart that I respect him.
On a scale of one to ten, what is the current respect level in your home? Come on, be honest now. If you want to change it, if you want to increase the level of respect that your child gives to you, you know what you have to do. I know it won’t be easy. But I also know that it will prove well worth it in the weeks and months ahead.
Principle #4: Catch your child doing something right every single day.
Encouragement communicates faith and respect for the child exactly as he or she is. In most instances, kids act up when they become discouraged and feel like nothing they do is right.
Put yourself in your child’s situation for a moment. Imagine, you are in trouble at home, you are failing in school, and the local police know you on sight and have just taken to stopping you on general principle. Now imagine living this way for a
month…six months…a year…or even longer!
Where is the light?
Where is the glimmer of hope that your life can get better?
Unfortunately, it is human nature. When our son or daughter is getting into trouble and giving us a hard time, we seem to become blind to the positive things that they do. It may not be anything significant at the outset…maybe simply putting their dishes in the dishwasher or picking up their room. But if we catch them at the simple things…and praise them for it…we’ll remind them that there is such a thing as positive attention. And before you know it, they will be doing an increasing number of positive things, just to hear you praise them.
Think about it for a second. Would you rather be yelled at…or thanked for doing something unexpected? It’s no contest. And it is no contest for our kids either, no matter how much trouble they have gotten into.

Principle #5: Never use bribes to secure positive behavior.
Quite frankly, rewards and punishments are outdated. They simply don’t work with most kids. It doesn’t take long before a child decides that a reward is his or her "right"…and then he or she demands a reward for everything. And when we punish a child, we simply give him or her the right to punish in return.
I don’t know about you, but I’ve noticed that the retaliation of children is usually much more effective than any punishment imposed by his or her parents. Children punish us by pushing our buttons…and they know where each one is and exactly how hard to press them. With mom it may be not eating or fighting with his or her siblings. With dad it may involve blowing off their schoolwork, drinking or smoking pot. But in each instance, a child who has been taught to punish will find ways to strike back that are most upsetting for his or her parent or parents.

Principle #6: The secret of effective parenting is natural and logical consequences.
Natural and logical consequences are parenting techniques that allow the child to experience the actual result, be it positive or negative, of his or her own behavior. They are life lessons that, if we are truly focused on preparing our kids for independent, productive and happy adult lives, are essential to their growth and development.
Natural consequences are the direct result of the child's behavior. They represent the natural repercussions, either positive or negative, of a child’s behavior. Our job as parents is, contrary to popular belief, not to protect them from such things but rather to ensure that they are enforced to the full extent of the law. Only in this way will our children be in a position to develop into knowing and responsible adults.
Natural consequences are applicable in most of the situations we deal with in our children’s lives. Consider school for example. If you don’t do your homework and pay attention in class, the natural negative consequence is that you will earn failing grades. Similarly, if you do your homework and pay attention in class, you will naturally earn good grades, graduate; get a good paying job, etc. While I am not suggesting we permit our children to fail in school and pay the price, I hope you get my meaning in terms of natural consequences.
Let’s look at another example. Say your son has a Gameboy and, during the course of
an altercation he gets angry and throws it on the floor. What is the natural consequence?
No more Gameboy! It is broken!
Are you getting my meaning here? In the circumstance described above, your son broke his Gameboy, so your son no longer has a Gameboy. And mom and dad are not going to replace it, under any circumstances. If he wants a Gameboy from this point on, he is going to have to save his money and buy it himself. In doing so, your son will learn two things. First, he will learn the natural consequence of losing his temper. And second, he will learn the cost and value of his possessions.
Isn’t this what we want to be teaching our children?
Logical consequences are established by the parents, and are a direct and logical--not arbitrarily imposed -- consequence of a transgression. We use logical consequences in those instances where the natural consequence would prove too time consuming or damaging for the child’s long-term development and success. As an example of this, say your child has a curfew of 10:00pm and they choose to come in at 11:00pm. The natural consequence would be that they would be overtired the next day and would do poorly in school. In a case such as this, the natural consequence might not have an impact until days or even weeks of this negative behavior. Rather than permit our child’s life to deteriorate to the point where the natural consequence would "pinch" them a little bit, we have in place a logical consequence for this behavior. The logical consequence might be that for every moment you come in late, you will have to come in that much earlier the next night. Another possibility would be to say if you are late, then you don’t go out the next night at all.
Now you give it a try.
Look at the school example that I gave you in describing natural consequences. Obviously, we can’t sit by and wait until a child of ours lets their academic situation deteriorate to the point where they are failing all their classes before we step in. So what do you do with a child who is not doing his or her homework and is not paying attention in school? What would be an appropriate and effective logical consequence? Write some possible ideas in the space provided below.
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Principle #7: Never do for a child what he or she can do for him or her-self.
In doing so, all you do is create a dependent child, and a dependent child is a demanding child. Children become dependent, and therefore irresponsible, only when we fail to give them opportunities to take on responsibility. A lot of parents feel like they are giving when they act for a child; but the reality is that they are effectively limiting the child’s ability to learn and grow as a person. Many adults have a kind of "secret" prejudice against kids. A secret prejudice that is seemingly supported and furthered when a kid starts getting into trouble.
The prejudice is that children, particularly their children, are not capable of acting responsibly…so they do every thing for their kids. In essence, the parent becomes over-responsible. And guess what, over-responsible parents usually produce irresponsible kids. Parents who take on the responsibility of the child by reminding or doing for him or her, encourage the child to be irresponsible. I mean, think about it for a second, If we are always reminding our children to do their homework, clean their room, take a shower, etc., they really don’t need to keep track of this stuff and take responsibility for themselves.
As parents, we have to force ourselves to "mind our own business" and let our children learn from the natural and logical consequences of their behavior. And when we begin to believe that our children can act responsibly, and give them the opportunity to do so, nine times out of ten, they begin to do so. In doing so, they take a significant step toward maturity and, ultimately, adulthood.

Principle #8: All behavior is purposeful.
And as such, it is critical that we understand his or her goal. Every thing our children say and do has a purpose. At it’s most basic, his or her focus is to have some significance and establish a place in his or her various environments. A well-adjusted child has found his way toward social acceptance by cooperating with the requirements of the group and by making his own useful contribution to it. The misbehaving child is still trying, in a mistaken way, to feel important in his own world. For example, a young child who has never been allowed to dress himself (because "the parent is in a hurry"), who has not been allowed to help around the house ("you're not big enough to set the table"), may lack the feeling that he is a useful, contributing member of the family, and might feel important only when arousing a parent's anger and annoyance with misbehavior.
Most children are not aware of the goals or purposes of their behavior. But their behavior, while appearing senseless and illogical to others, makes complete sense in terms of his or her own perception of their place in the family, school and community. As such, when kids misbehave, they are frequently trying to fulfill one of four primary goals.
Attention-getting: he or she wants attention and service. We respond by feeling annoyed and that we need to remind and coax him.
Power: he or she wants to be the boss. We respond by feeling provoked and get into a power contest with him--"you can't get away with this!"
Revenge: he or she wants to hurt us. We respond by feeling deeply hurt-- I'll get even!"
Display of inadequacy: he or she wants to be left alone, with no demands made upon him or her. We respond by feeling despair--I don't know what to do!"
If, as you read over these primary goals, you found the behavior and the parental response resonating with situations and events in your life, you have probably discovered the goal or purpose of your child's misbehavior. And once you understand the goal or purpose of a behavior, you can use principle #9 to effectively change it.

Principle #9: If a given behavior isn’t fulfilling its goal or purpose, every child will opt for a different behavior.
Once we know why our kids are doing what they are doing, once we understand the goal or purpose of a given behavior, we are given a tremendous lever for inducing behavioral change.
Let’s look at an example so that you can understand what I am saying here.
A lot of family’s that I have worked with over the years presented with a common complaint. "My son or daughter won’t listen to me anymore. Any time I try to get them to do something, all they want to do is argue. My home has become a war zone and I just can’t stand living this way anymore." My next question for the parent is pretty obvious, I want to know how they react when their child becomes belligerent and begins arguing with them. In most cases, what I am then told is that they "get into it with them." There is a back and forth with the situation escalating to the point that, in all too many cases, the parent gets fed up and says, "Go ahead, do whatever you want. You’re not going to listen to me anyway."
Think about that for a second and refer back to the list of goals of misbehavior that we talked about above. Why is this kid, or any kid, choosing to escalate the situation and argue with their parent?
Isn’t that a perfect example of a kid who is acting up in order to take power and get what he or she wants? And by choosing to engage in the process, the parent is playing right into the kid’s hands. Now what do you think would happen if the parent, rather than taking the bait, simply refused to get angry and refused to argue? What would happen if the parent said, "I’m not going to fight with you. And I’m not comfortable even discussing this with you until you calm down."?
First of all, the kid would probably have a heart attack because this isn’t the way he or she is used to doing business. Mom or dad has done something different, acting in an unpredictable way, and that is very confusing to them. Predictably, once the initial shock wore off, the child would redouble his or her efforts to get the parent to engage. But what would happen if mom or dad held the line and refused to argue and fight with them? What would happen if mom or dad went so far as to suggest that they needed to go to another part of the house and come back when they had been able to get themselves under control? Again, with a kid that is used to playing the anger card to get his or her way, I would be willing to bet that they would refuse this suggestion and continue to try to escalate their parent. I mean really, this is the way we’ve always played before! But what would happen if mom or dad continued to stick to their guns and withdrew from the situation? What would happen if you withdrew and refused to
have the conversation until your child spoke to you in an appropriate and civil manner?
Right! Your child is going to have to change his or her behavior.
I always use the example of tennis. Have you ever played tennis? Maybe not, but I am sure that at some point, you have at least watched it. Now think about this for a moment, what would happen if one of the tennis players put down his or her racket? Game over! Well the same is true in terms of our kids and their negative behaviors. If we refuse to engage, to tolerate and respond to the negative behavior, they are going to have to do something different. They are going to have to select another behavior in order to achieve their goal. And as parents, we can go along way toward guiding this choice into more appropriate and respectful areas.



Principle #10: You can’t "make" your child feel more secure.
Particularly in this age of mobility and divorce, a lot of parents try to compensate for a perceived lack of security in their child’s life by, shall we say, giving in to them. They feel like they have to give their child his or her way because they are struggling over the divorce or other trauma and just can’t deal with anything else at this point. While their plan is to get things back on track in the weeks and months ahead, the reality is that those weeks and months never come. And the child is empowered in a manner that often shows itself in very negative ways.
As parents, we need to remember that feelings of "security" are subjective and not necessarily related to an actual situation…be it parental divorce, an illness in the family, a move to a new neighborhood or town, or other trauma that kids all to often experience. Real security cannot be imposed or provided from the outside. Security is achieved by living through and overcoming life’s difficulties.
Principle #11: Have fun with your child.
While this principle may seem rather obvious, it is one that most of us lose track of when our kids start getting into trouble. Rather than having a relationship based on enjoyment, mutual respect, love, affection, confidence and trust, often our relationship is more accurately characterized by nagging, scolding, lecturing and yelling. Parents, particularly parents of kids who are struggling, need to speak with their child with the same respect and consideration that they express to a good friend. They need to work at having fun with them again…much like they did when the child was younger and definitely before he or she started getting into trouble.
What does your child like to do? What kinds of things did you used to enjoy doing together? I know what you’re thinking, that was then and this is now. There is no way that my son or daughter is going to agree to do these things with me. You might be right. But I think you are going to be pleasantly surprised. And anyway, at this point, what have you got to lose?
In the space provided below, write down the activities that you used to engage in with your son or daughter.
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Now think about this for a moment…which activity or activity do you feel they will agree to do with you in the next week? Write that one down in this space.
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Excellent!
Now it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that, based on the problems that you have been experiencing of late, your son or daughter may well be somewhat resistant to doing anything with you. How are you going to overcome this hesitance on his or her part? What kind of objections do you think they will throw at you? How are you going to answer them without getting frustrated or, even worse, angry? In this last space, develop a plan as to how you are going to approach them, how you think they will respond, and how you are going to counter their objections.
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Principle #12: Do something for yourself, each and every day.
This is another one of those principles where I can see you scratching your head and thinking, "What’s up with this guy?" Usually, in our groups, when I propose this the parents look at me like I am an idiot. But if you think about it for a moment, it really makes sense. If you don’t take care of yourself, who is going to be there to take care of your son or daughter?
In most families, the pattern is pretty much the same. Junior or juniorette starts getting in to trouble at home, at school, and in the community. Mom and/or dad attempts to respond to that, while maintaining their job, taking care of the house and doing all the things that we adults normally do so that our family can stay on track. And before you know it, mom and/or dad, begin to lose themselves in the process. They become so busy, that they have no time for themselves. That is when they start to burn out.
And there is nothing worse than a burned out parent. They are tense, frustrated and angry. As their son or daughter’s problems continue, they become increasingly limited in their ability to respond in a healthy or positive manner. And before you know it, rather than being part of the solution, they become a very large part of what is now a worsening problem.
If you are going to avoid this downward spiral in the days, weeks and months ahead, it is critical that you make time for yourself every day. Find something that makes you feel good about yourself and your life…and make time to do it each and every day. In the space provided below, write down some of the things that you could and would like to be doing for yourself in the coming week.
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Now start doing them!
I can promise you that you will be amazed at the change in you…and believe it or not, in your son or daughter.

Principle #13: Be consistent!
While Principle #13 should be obvious, in my experience, it is the most common area where we break down as parents. How can we expect our kids to behave appropriately if we keep changing the rules on them? What are we teaching them when something is wrong today…but was okay yesterday? What message are we sending them when, sometimes, we "look the other way"?
Consistency…consistency…consistency! I often joke around and tell parents that I am going to have this tattooed on my forehead. But it really isn’t a joke. Once you establish clear expectations for your child, once you put the rules and consequences in place, they have to become the gold standard for your family. No matter what happens…whether you’re tired when you get home from work, maybe you’re in a good mood and want to give them a break, possibly you just don’t feel like getting into it with them today…it is essential that you consistently maintain the expectations that you have established in your home.
Kids are kids.
And as soon as they figure out that there is some flexibility in the program, I can guarantee you that they will try to take advantage of it.
That is part of being a kid.
With these principles as a basis, we are ready to move on and begin looking at our kids and what "drives" their negative behaviors.
So let’s do it!

Copyright 2005 - 2007. Mr. Bill & Associates. All rights reserved.