Parenting Teens In Today's World

Teaching Your Teenager Money Management

2007-06-27T01:04:00.000-05:00

Budgeting is second nature to some of us, and very difficult for the rest of us. It is important to teach your teen how to conserve money, along with teaching them how to spend their money properly. The problem with this is, they need to get money in the first place. That is one of our many roles as their parents, we get to turn into their first employers. Remember, I feel part of an allowance should be based on responsibilities, ie chores.

Teens need to learn how to crawl before they learn how to walk. A steady climb in how much money they receive and what they are responsible to purchase and/or save with that money is my suggestion. Slowly going from having no responsibility with their money to having full responsibility for their personal purchases is the easiest for them to understand, and the least frustrating way to teach a teen money management.

Starting around the age of 12 years old, for about a year, give them 'blow money', ie 1 to 5 dollars a week to spend on anything their heart desires. Do not require that they purchase something or save any of it. Still pay for their activities with friends or things they like to have that you would normally do. The reason for this time is to enable your preteen to know what it feels like to have their 'own money'. Of course, you don't want it to be a lot of money at this point. By skipping this step or adding it on to the next step, you are causing more frustration than neccessary, for both you and your teen.

One more note on the 'blow money'. This is the money you take away if responsibilities, ie chores, are not met. When you add $5 to the pot for activities or whatever(explained in next paragraph), do not take that away as a punishment, instead take the activity and make them save it. This way you will keep teaching them their money management, and still be disaplining them. There comes a span in every teen's life when it seems like your always grounding them. This can hinder teaching them the responsibility of having money if the punishment of not having any money goes on too long.

From the ages of 13 to 14, you can add to money amount, and to the responsibility. Some suggestions:

1. If your child gets $1 for lunch everyday, add $5 to their allowance and have them take the responsibility of buying their lunch.
2. If you pay for them to go roller skating, movies, any activity, take an average of what you pay, give them that in their allowance and let them be responsible for their own activites with friends.
3. If you add to the amount of 'blow money', make them save half. Have them save it for a certain date though, ex. for Christmas Shopping.

From the ages of 15 to 16, have them budget their own clothing. Hand them a piece of paper with $1000, (you pick the amount), at the top. When shopping time comes around, or they need a pair of socks, they can subtract it from their budget. Actually have them take the receipt and subtract the amount, plus any tax. If you give them money to shop for themselves, subtract the amount you gave them, unless they bring back the change. This will teach them why $150 sneakers aren't worth their price tag.

The only problem I have had with this amount is, and it happens with boys, growth spurts. Girls are generally developed at this point, though they may go up a size in a year. Boys, on the other hand, go from being a size 8 shoe and 5'4" tall to being a size 11 shoe and 6'1" tall in two months. This is going to mess up their clothing budget.

For the ages of 17 and 18, try giving a monthly allowance. If they do not have a bank account, they should get one, with a mac card. This is one of the times in which you will need to trust them. Be the co owner of the bank account, so you can always check the balance if you feel there is a need. The mac card is important, it will save you from handing them money because the bank is closed. Instead of giving them a piece of paper with the clothing budget money on it--pay them in monthly installments. Make them responsible for saving that money for when they will need it, like for school shopping.

What if they blow it?

Natural consequences....they wear last year's coat. It will be a much easier lesson to learn then if they have to learn it when they are on their own.

What if I don't like what they purchase?

You don't like it or it's offensive? We are not going to like what our children are wearing 100% of the time, probably not even 50% of the time. But if it is offensive to you, make them take it back. Give them a choice, take it back and get your money back for something else or throw it out. In other words, it's brick wall time. Just because you have allowed them to make purchases for themselves, does not give them cart blanche to offend you.

When Kids Hear Their Parents Having Sex

2007-06-25T13:10:00.000-05:00

Parents, are you sure your kids don’t hear you when you are having sex?

I came across Lauren’s forum a few years ago on “have you heard your parents having sex” and their thoughts on their parents having sex.

We learn a lot from our children. It never occured to me that our kids think we have no sex life. Just because we have reached our 40’s doesn’t mean sex life is over. I found their candid answers quite helpful and amusing. Remember, these are teens’ opinions from all over the world.

The forum question was:

I have never heard my parents have sex, and I’m pretty sure they don’t anymore. What about the rest of you? Do you ever hear them?

The replies from Lauren’s online friends who were then in their teens:

1. No. hehe. But I think it’s sweet that parents still have that passion and affection for each other.

2. I think it’s horrid enough hearing them talk about it…

3. i don’t really want to imagine parents having sex. but i hope that when i reach their stage, i would still have sex. it sucks to have no sex life.

4. Oh Lordy… I have walked in on my dad and my mom…a few years later.. I walked in on my dad and my stepmom..and I’ve heard them many, many… MANY times. There should be a law or something..

5. I’ve heard them before, really shouldn’t sleep in the bedroom right beside theirs…

6. lol. well, i would be glad that they still have sex. it’s so good they’re so loving. but i really don’t want to think about it.

7. as their kids, there are some things we just don’t need to know! and it just seems perfectly fine when we do it, no?

8. we have double standards when it comes to sex.

9.Never heard them.Never walked in on them.Never want to.
I’d like to thank the people who made our walls as thick as they can be for having never experienced such a horrific thing. And I knew my parents were having sex because there’s a 12 year gap between me & my next sibling!

10. I walked in on my mom and dad…and I saw more than any child should. I have walked in on my mom and step-dad as well. Funny thing is…I’ve only walked in when they were making babies in the living room. I still have the scars. Oh, and I’ve heard them a few times to. So yeah, I know my parents are still “active”.

11. i hope i’ll still be living a life full of passion and romance at that age. i wouldn’t want to be all dried up like some grandmas.

12. No, my mother and father aren’t very affectionate. And my mother sleeps with my younger brother rather than my father. sheesh. I don’t want to witness the act, but they could at least treat each other like they’re actually a couple, no?

13. i don’t think my parents do it anymore either. but one time when i was younger, i swore i caught them one saturday morning because i just busted into their room to go sleep next to them.. but i think i’m blocking that memory into some dream i had or something, haha.

14. I used to hear them .. when I was little. Not anymore. On a popular radio station called K92.. well.. popular over here… They had a special called, “Grandparents Do IT To” it was halarious.

15. I ‘ve heard it. No big deal. Frankly I’m more disturbed when I don’t hear anything. My parents aren’t aliens and I like to be constantly reassured of that fact.

16. Yes I have it was embarrassing they obviously didn’t know I was home. It was horrible my mom was talking really dirty.

17. I’ve heard my dad and my stepmother but never my mom and stepfather. I was going downstairs in the middle of the night to get a magazine I had left and I over heard them and I just scurried upstairs before anything more happened that I didn’t want to see or hear. I laughed to myself though thinking… dad still has it going on… good for him! LOL
Besides, there will be pleny of payback when I bring my girlfriend/wife home for the holidays some time in the future.

18. Nope, never heard my parents doing it…. They probably do it when I’m not around.

Now it’s my turn to say my piece on this. First of all, I don’t think my kids have ever heard us having sex. Reply number 18 is more like it. Hehe. Second, the only encounter close to sex was when 14 year old Lauren overheard her dad say to me “it’s been awhile since we ****” (that four letter word verb…shocking) . Lauren was on her way to my room at that time. I forgot my reply to Butch but I hope I wasn’t talking dirty. Not knowing she overheard her dad, I wondered why she pushed the door and tugged my hand , “Let’s now go to the salon”. Then at the salon, “mom it’s really traumatic to hear dad asking you to have sex”.

I just had to laugh “at least we are still loving to each other. Don’t you like that?”

Lauren pouted “it’s very disturbing. Sex is for young people”

I smiled “Sex is a loving expression for couples, young and old. Especially married couples. Just learn to be cautious when you approach the door to our room”

I often wondered why my parents required us to knock at their door. Now I realized that they also had an active sex life.

Yes children (as I know I have young readers), your parents still have an active sex life. How active? It depends, of course. Just because we are reaching 40 or 50 does not exempt us from having a healthy sex life. And the older one gets the better it becomes.

I know “ewww.” *nods*

What have I learned from their replies?

1. Parents, it’s fine to espouse sex education to our kids, if you’re comfortable with the topic.
2. Sex education doesn’t mean talking about our sex life to them.
3. It’s alright to show affection to our spouse . At least our kids know we are loving to each other.
4. It’s not okay for our kids to hear us having sex. We have to learn to lock our doors or ensure thicker walls to our rooms, and other privacy measures as some kids can get shocked.

Taking Control...Guidelines for TV and Teens

2007-06-24T12:00:00.000-05:00

TV and Teens
Next to the family, television (TV) has the greatest social impact on teens. The average twelve to seventeen year old watches about 23 hours of TV per week. You may know that TV has both good and not so good effects. It is not always clear how to use TV in a positive, creative way and protect yourself from the negative effects. As health care providers we recognize the impact TV has on a variety of health-related behaviors. We feel it is important to provide you with the tools you need to "Take Control" of the TV. You know yourself best and will need to decide what works best for you. Please feel free to discuss any issues or problems related to TV with you healthcare provider.

TV Facts
Today's young peoples pend more time watching TV (15,000 hours) than they do in school (11,000 hours). During an average year, American youth are exposed to:

-More than 14,000 sexual references and jokes, yet less than 175 will deal with self-control behaviors

-Between 1,000 and 2,000 beer and wine commercials

-More than 1,000 murders, rapes, assaults, and armed robberies, and

-Nearly 20,000 commercials

Effects of TV Viewing
Good

Age appropriate TV can teach good behaviors and thinking skills. Appropriate viewing can promote:

-Imaginary Skills - TV teaches you how to develop and use your imagination

-Role Playing - Young people can learn adult roles by watching them on TV. We all tend to copy behaviors that are rewarded. Notice what roles and actions are rewarded on TV.

-Family Values - You can learn about family values through TV viewing

-Decision Making - You can help set TV viewing rules that allow you to make choices and develop good habits

-Good Behaviors - TV can be used as a reward for other good behaviors

Not so Good

TV is not selective in what it teaches. Along with positive effects, it can give unhealthy, false or negative messages. Too much or inappropriate viewing can have the following effects:

-Reality Check - TV is sometimes used to tune-out others or escape from the real world. This can cause you to miss out on real world experiences

-The Quick Fix - TV often gives false views of quick answers and rapid rewards.

-Violence - Young people (particularly boys) who watch TV violence are more likely to imitate more aggressive acts, become less sensitive to pain and suffering of others, and may become fearful of the world around them. You may become used to repetitive or violent acts seen on TV. Weapons are often shown as attractive; guilt and remorse are sparse or absent

-Sexuality - TV is likely to present mature content. Moral values shown on TV may differ from your personal beliefs. Sex is used to sell products, shows and ideas. TV often oversells patterns of personal gratification and under tells the risks of such behaviors. Soap operas and music videos have been identified as the worst offenders.

-Stereotypes - TV may present roles based on race, gender, age and physical beauty. Values of youth and physical attractiveness develop based on these biases.

-Lifestyle Habits - TV promotes inactivity which brings an increased risk for obesity. In addition, TV promotes unhealthy behaviors such as risk taking, eating junk food, smoking, and alcohol use. Too much viewing leaves you with little time for other activities and experiences.

-Programming - Special tactics including volume changes, intense plots, suspense, loud music and rapid-fire commercials are used to grab your attention and hold it.

General Guidelines for Parents

-The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends limiting TV viewing to 1-2 hours per day

-Help your teen choose what to watch and plan viewing time carefully

-Watch TV with your teen and discuss what you watch with them

-Encourage watching high-quality programs and talk to your teen about why

-Find constructive alternatives to watching TV

-Do not allow your teen to watch programs you strongly oppose and talk to them about why

-Be a good role model. You may need to look at your own viewing habits

-Encourage your teen to express views about TV programming

More TV Facts

-For every hour of TV watched per day by teens, the risk of obesity is increased by two percent according to one study

-Alcohol is involved in 25-50% of all teen deaths

-Studies have consistently documented that more tan one to two hours of TV viewing a day has a negative effect on school performance, especially reading scores

What You Can DoTake Control

-Make family rules about TV and stick to them. Decide what you want to change about your current viewing habits

-Set limits on TV viewing time (hours p[er day and when the TV should be off)

-Select TV shows ahead of time

-Use a TV guide instead of flipping through channels with a remote control

-Keep TV out of your room

-Turn TV off during mealtime and while doing other things

-Schedule TV time around your schedule

-Leave the TV off when doing your homework This will allow you to concentrate more and finish earlier

-Special devices can be bought which lock out or preset programs, channels and times for TV viewing

-Watch TV with family and friends

-Discuss issues seen on TV. Talk about your opinions with family and friends

-Use sensitive topic themes seen on TV to raise discussion with others

-If you are watching something violent think of other ways to solve problems without hurting
someone or something. Talk about why nonviolence is important to you

-Talk about TV production techniques used to grab and keep your attention

-When you watch commercials try to identify what techniques are being used to sell the product
-When you see food commercials on TV think about what is in the product and if it is good for you. Discuss if they are good food choices

-Compare what you see on TV with people, places an events you have seen or learned about

-Use books to learn more about topics on TV that interest you

-Vote on whether shows are worth watching again

-Express your opinions about TV viewing with friends and family or by writing to local stations or national networks

20 Things To Do

1. Puzzles
2. Play board or card games
3. Draw or paint
4. Start a new hobby
5. Write a letter
6. Have a family night
7. Watch videotapes instead of regular TV
8. Exercise - Go for a walk, swim, play ball, bike, etc.
9. Collect something
10. Visit the library, museums, mall or other points of interest
11. Play a musical instrument
12. Read
13. Cook
14. Play educational computer games
15. Go to an arts or sports event
16. Join a club or activity group
17. Start a newsletter for friends and family
18. Plant a garden
19. Make something with clay
20. Listen to music, sing and dance

Teaching Your Teen to Drive

2007-06-23T10:06:00.000-05:00

Teaching your teen to drive requires considerable patience, empathy, and the knowledge of what is needed to best prepare her to become a skilled, responsible driver. Many parents understandably approach this task with trepidation and high anxiety. The following suggestions, facts, and tips will help you know what to do and what to expect when you and your teen put the rubber to the road.

Although many kids still take some formal driver-education training before they get their driver's license, the most influential training they receive comes from observing their parents' behind-the-wheel skills, judgment, and behavior.

Motor vehicle accidents are the primary cause of death among our nation's teens, killing 5,000 youngsters each year. This fact alone suggests that parents need to establish clear and firm conditions, limits, and rules regarding their teens' obtaining their licenses.

Veteran driver-education instructors usually recommend at least 40 hours of supervised driving (most states require only 6) on all kinds of roads and in all kinds of situations (nighttime driving, rush hour driving, driving in the rain and snow, etc.).

Once you have told your teen that you will allow her to begin learning to drive, let her be the one to take the initiative to get the driver-education ball rolling. If your teen is not driving you crazy about teaching her to drive, she's probably too nervous to begin the process. Don't bring up the question of her anxiety. Just let her know you're ready to begin when she's ready.

If you are going to be your teen's driving coach/instructor, it's essential that you both know what to expect from each other before you get in the car together. It's always best for your child to know beforehand where you're taking him and what you'll be working on: "Today we're going on Route 128 during rush hour to practice high-speed driving, changing lanes and getting on and off exit ramps."

A teenager's physical dexterity and reflexes are finely tuned at this stage of his psychomotor development. Parents can see and be comforted by their child's improving physical skills behind the wheel.

Unfortunately, teenagers are not so mature in their psychological stages of development, where they feel invincible, act impulsively, and are given to risk-taking. (Read Caution: Teen at the Wheel.) How is you teen's day-to-day behavior? How does she handle frustration? Do you always have to tell him to fasten his seatbelt?

Parents need to ask questions like these to give themselves an idea of how ready their kids are to drive safely and responsibly.

You must stand firm in refusing to let your child obtain a learner's permit if he is exhibiting worrisome, dangerous behaviors or if he otherwise indicates that he is not ready emotionally to drive.

Here are some tips for creating a comfortable parent/child learning environment in the car:

a. Don't talk down to your teen or treat him like a little kid when you're coaching him. Avoid negative character comments: "You're a dangerous driver. You're distracted too easily." Praise specific progress and improvement, while offering non-judgmental, optimistic encouraging words: "You're remembering your directional signals almost every time now. Pretty soon you'll do it automatically all the time, without even thinking."

b. Your comments should make your teen more aware, rather than feel shamed or judged. Instead of yelling, "You're going to get us a speeding ticket!" you might calmly ask, "What's the speed limit on this road?"

c. Don't use instructional time in the car to discipline your teen about other matters ("Why didn't you clean up the family room last night like you were supposed to?"). Your budding driver will feel badgered and become distracted by such comments. Keep the conversation light and chatty.

It's a rare parent who can teach his teen to drive without experiencing some anxiety. If you can't keep your anxiety in check and it's turning the teaching experience into a tension-filled meltdown zone, do your child and yourself a favor and hand over the teacher's role to another family member, a trusted adult, or a professional driving instructor who is more suited temperamentally for this important task. Acknowledge feeling too nervous to be a good teacher and don't blame your teen for your anxiety.

Do We As Parents Interfere If We Feel Our Teenagers' Employers Are Treating Our Teens Unfairly?

2007-06-22T20:30:00.000-05:00

This is truely a very touchy subject and certainly a personal one for me. Both my teenagers, Ashley and Wesley, recently started their first paying jobs this summer. My son is working as a lifeguard at our local fitness center and my daughter has gotten a job as a waitress at our local Gold Star Chili Restaurant.

Recently, she had a difficult situation where one of her managers had a really bad day and took it out on her in an extreme way and the restaurant was very busy. I was informed by my neighbor who had gone there to eat with her children that it was very bad but my daughter had handled it with grace and patience but that she was immensely concerned as to the treatment that Ashley had received. I struggled as to how to handle this so I at least called to check on her to make sure she was okay and she assured me that she was. She was busy still so it was a very brief but reassuring phone call for me as her mother.

This incident got me to thinking as a parent in this particular situation. Do we, as parents, step in and defend our children when they receive this kind of treatment or do we instill in our teenagers that ability to let things like this roll off their backs as these situations will most likely happen again as they approach the working world in their future endeavors? I had to really let this one simmer in my heart and my brain in order to come to this conclusion.

I think we must tell our teenagers that they will most likely always deal with a situation now and again where someone of authority over them will either criticize, yell, embarass or make them feel badly while they are on the job and that does not mean they are necessarily bad. It just means alot of times that they, their boss, is having a bad day and they end up being the target and punching bag at that particular time. Also, that there are people in this world that do that to make themselves feel important and even though that is not justified, it is the way people have come to be and they will have to "go with the flow" so-to-speak and not let it get to them.

I really struggled with myself in not calling and speaking with my daughter's boss over speaking to my daughter the way she did and yelling at her the way she did in front of all the customers but I knew this needed to be a teachable moment for her and she needed to realize this probably would not be the last time she would have to contend with this situation.

So, parents, when your teenagers comes to you and says their boss put them in that situation, "dont" get involved unless they have been put in harm's way physically! They need to learn that life is not always going to be easy and that there are going to be situations where they need to let alot of things roll off their backs and take the high road and realize it is not usually "them" that is the problem. Most of the time, it is the other person having the "problem."

Dr. Breus on Teens and Sleep Deprivation

2007-06-19T10:28:00.000-05:00

Teens: Sleeping Through the Snooze Alarm

2007-06-19T10:18:00.000-05:00

You may blame morning sleepiness on too much late-night television. But today leading researchers agree that biology plays a large role. Recent research conducted at sleep disorder clinics indicates that during puberty, kids exhibit “delayed phase preference,” meaning that they feel more active later in the day than early in the morning. (The clinicians could simply have interviewed parents to find that out!)

Teenagers who don't get enough sleep won't perform well all day; they may feel groggy in class, zone out on tests, and muddle through sports practice or gym class. Teens who lack sleep also tend to forget things and get confused.

The number of hours of sleep a teen needs varies, but averages between seven and nine hours a night. Teens going through growth spurts need even more, because as they sleep their growth cells are busy regenerating.

While napping can compensate, it's a rare teen who will lie down for a nap. Instead, you can hope that your teen will grab the extra sleep he needs on weekends. Don't bug him for sleeping late when he can—he needs it.

Otherwise, parents, if you really think your teen is burning the candle at both ends, you might suggest that he drop or reschedule an activity so he can buy more time. Or, you may have luck with an “in your room and off the phone by 10 P.M.” (or other pre-designated hour) rule on weeknights. Like adults, kids need the right inducements for going to sleep. By removing some of the stimuli around your teen, it may make it easier for him to get to bed at a reasonable hour.

The Wake-Up Call

Mornings are tough for everyone, no doubt about it. Yet by this age, parents, your teen needs to take responsibility for getting himself going in the morning. If he's having a rough time, you might suggest the following strategies:

-Set the wake-up alarm earlier than necessary, so he can hit the snooze button once.
Use a really annoying, loud alarm, and place the clock on the other side of the room so he has to get out of bed to shut it off.

-Make a deal: If he'll use the alarm to get going, you'll step into the room just to make sure he's up. (This works well if you have a pet who'll finish up the waking-up for you.)

-If he's always running late, tell him you expect him to start getting up earlier—that neither you nor the carpool or bus driver will wait for him, and you'll be upset if he's regularly late for school.

-Teach him to load his backpack, fix and refrigerate his lunch, and get his clothes ready the night before so he has as little as possible to do in the morning.

life.familyeducation.com

Tips For Parents: The Real World Of Gifted Teens

2007-06-18T13:14:00.000-05:00

1. When School Structure Becomes Stricture:Gifted teens are really something to behold, aren't they? On the one hand, when I think I have "seen it all"; I am repeatedly amazed and delighted at their innovations, unexpected accomplishments, and undying zeal. Gifted teens that grow up and learn in a suitable environment are indeed the lucky ones. They are the ones who really soar during adolescence and make it all look so easy. On the other hand, I have become very distressed about those who suffer from what I term "school/powerlessness" or "constraint-tolerance burn-out," the result of which is often depression, a rapid decline in grades, apathy, opting for a GED, dropping out altogether, or dangerous forms of rebellion. Inquiries to colleagues across the country indicate they are seeing the same patterns.Although I don't think school/authority frustrations for the gifted are in any way new, it appears the pressures to conform and tolerate boredom are compounded by the fact that these brilliant teens expect (and rightly so) to have some sort of say in the matter, and yet are not usually allowed to "test out" of traditional high school courses, much less years of unnecessary schooling. And little do they know that most colleges are even more rigid and behind the times. Again and again I hear their angst--they complain of feeling imprisoned, dismissed without recourse.

2. Do Gifted Teens Have a Strong Sense of Direction? I find that a small portion of my gifted clients (and grown children too) have a very clear and powerful sense of what they are "meant to do," sometimes in early childhood. However, especially for multiply-gifted teens, this is often foggy and a perplexing question mark that can last for many years into adulthood. There are pros and cons both ways, since feeling uncertain about one's direction, or bouncing from one thing to another can feel like one has "wasted" much time. On the other hand, becoming narrowly focused early on can leave one lopsided and short on recourse if the selected endeavor goes sour. As always, even though the notion of moderation is usually as pleasant to gifted teens as nails on a chalkboard, sometimes that is the best bet. In any case, when gifted teens are really sure of their direction, then they require support for that unless it is clearly unreasonable. Likewise, when they are unsure and interested in many things, letting them know that many gifted people's destiny requires quite a number of detours is the most supportive tack.

One of the most common reasoning errors I see in PG teens who have a definite plan is that they believe it should be like a straight-up rocket to the moon trip. They particularly resist and resent being required to take classes that they believe are a waste of time (not much inclined to think well-roundedness is of any value). I'm not going to say this can't work, but often the result is even more lopsided asynchrony because of the highly selective application of time and energy. These are usually not the kind of young adults who do well in a traditional liberal arts college, because broad-based learning is what they are all about, at least the first 2 years. In any event (I tell this to my graduate students just as often as I tell gifted teen clients), in my view education beyond middle school is approx. 60% learning/application, and 40% jumping through annoying hoops. The percentages are probably the reverse for the first two years of college.

PG teens know, and have known for a long time that they have what it takes to do important work, and they are itching to develop expertise. And many erroneously believe (as I did), that after high school the path ahead would be under my control. Some, yes, but not that much. The good news about college is that there are many more choices than in high school, which is where some students shine and others have a good time at the expense of their goals. Specifically I would recommend two things: (1) try to elicit from your PG teen precisely what makes him so frustrated--not in global terms, (2) then teach him if you can, or get an appropriate mentor or counselor, to train him to be a savvy negotiator. I just finished doing this with 3 PG teens who otherwise might have dropped out of their senior year. The secondary gains when they learn to negotiate adroitly are that they feel far less powerless, and that to do so they must learn a good deal about relationships.

3. Social/Emotional Brick Walls.The social-emotional issues of the gifted may be understood by many of us who have made the effort to become well informed and/or have lived through it ourselves. Nevertheless, PG people cannot escape encounters with the inevitable brick wall that arises when one's differences collide with social expectations. Human beings have a habit of equating different with abnormal or wrong. Non-gifted people have, and could not be expected to have, experience as a gifted person and vice versa. Hence, the problems, needs, and concerns of PG teens are often interpreted as exaggerations or unfounded bids for attention. Simultaneously, the PG teen is repeatedly invalidated and dismissed, left to deal with their legitimate issues on their own. This is why when I ask my gifted adult clients, "How often have you felt fully understood or unconditionally accepted?" so many of them answer, "Almost never, and then not for long." If for no other reason, when done well, I find that home schooling can build a foundation of strength that will afford PG individuals a better chance of managing the "hits" that are unavoidable in their lives, especially if they are bent on accomplishing the goals they dream of without giving up along the way. Indeed, I think home schooling these sensitive and challenging young people is a truly heroic endeavor--congratulations to all of you brave souls who take this on for your children!

4. Asynchronous Development: Unavoidable, but can it be fixed? Does it need to be fixed? If so, why? when? and how?First let me give you my understanding of asynchronous development (AD) and a few examples. AD is one of the very first and most identifiable traits of the gifted. It is primarily an internal process and sometimes becomes observable as an external problem. The internal process is usually a conflict with self-expectation based on an imagined ideal; an ideal image that is often way ahead of time developmentally. What is required (e.g., training, practice, tools, coordination) to actually produce the envisioned ideal product, to achieve the imagined goal to satisfaction, is not yet in place. This idea-skill gap is extremely frustrating for the gifted whose heads are like sparklers, firing off one idea after another. The frustration is compounded by the fact that many gifted youngsters actually excel at some things right off the bat, giving them the false impression that that is how it should be for everything they try. Consequently, they set the bar for everything accordingly, even those things that require years of training and effort.

Sometimes when PG kids skip from one interest to another it is simply because they are ready to move on. But other times the skipping around is because they erroneously decide they have no ability or talent for what they tried to do since it didn't work out well from the outset, and they give up prematurely. The inner drive to excel and to "get there" is so powerful that rapid-fire expertise seems as if it is a reasonable expectation. Although this is totally understandable it is extremely hard on the self-esteem.

AD frustrations can look just plain crazy to those who do not understand giftedness because from their perspective what the pg teen creates is often far beyond their expectations. So, while a parent or teacher may be singing their praises, the teen may be tearing up his/her art project in utter dismay. For example, a 14-year-old PG I will call Nina has a talent for painting that was recognized as early as preschool. From the outside it would appear that this is not the lagging behind sort of AD, but the other way round since the artwork of non-PG age peers wouldn't hold a candle to hers. Yet in her mind Nina can envision a complex scene she would like to paint. But just because she can see her ideal painting in her mind's eye doesn't mean she has the skill or experience to produce it. So, when her art teacher wants Nina to enter some of her recent paintings in a state contest she vehemently declines: "No, never! These are terrible! I don't want anyone to see them. I don't want to see them. Every time I look at them all I see is what's wrong! Everyone thinks I'm so talented. Hah! Not true--my paintings never turn out right."

Besides the form of AD mentioned, for some gifted people (not just kids), social skills and intellectual skills can seem very lopsided. [Let us bear in mind that many gifted people are socially gifted and excel in the realm of relationship.] When social skills lag behind those of their age peers, PG students struggle to fit in. When this happens the gap can widen all the more because we all tend to do more of (a) what seems to come naturally, and (b) what we are successful with.

5. By the teen years, have these asynchronous concerns disappeared? No, not necessarily, and perhaps never. Let me give you a real-world example. A few years ago I was invited to give a workshop for PG and highly educated expert scientists and executives in an east coast think tank. The first half of the workshop taught them about the traits, needs, etc. of gifted adults. The second half was an interactive training about personality types in work groups. Though in hindsight I might have expected what happened, I was bowled over when the group composite IQ was undoubtedly off the charts and their emotional/relational skills were stuck at about the 2nd grade level. I had to manage them like a bunch of unruly kids on a playground. These people had clearly developed their minds and scientific expertise while dismissing interpersonal matters. Their jaws dropped in amazement when I informed them that the work they do is far more about relationship than anything else. Could have heard a pin drop! So, I had what amounted to a remedial class on my hands and my work was cut out for me there. In the end most of them finally got it, that there is NO "best" personality type; that each type brings something valuable to the table, and that each type has strengths and weaknesses. Knowing your type and how you make decisions and process experience via personality type can be very helpful to PG teens. It offers them a different lens through which they can better understand themselves and is also quite normalizing at the same time--which is a bonus.

6. What About Introversion and Extroversion? Some seeming social ineptness may also be related to introversion/extroversion and the way our society treats those differences. Extroverts get energized or "recharge their batteries" by being with others while introverts draw energy from the inside or by being alone. So it stands to reason that many introverts are not very interested in others (especially things like social chit chat, which is often aversive to the gifted anyway) and also don't have to rely on others for energy renewal. So in some ways introverts have it made because in that way they are quite self-sufficient. However, US society in particular values extroversion and tends to see introversion as a negative instead of just the way in which some people are wired. FYI, most of the CEOs in the country are introverts who have learned extroverted behaviors, which I find fascinating.

Regarding resources for teens about introversion/extroversion, I think the most useful is the more complete personality typology developed by the Myers-Briggs mother-daughter (various books by several authors including David Keirsey who wrote "Please Understand Me: Character & Temperament Types", which is helpful. I use an enhanced version for my gifted/talented executive training workshops I find it is essential for gifted people to be able to work together without being driven crazy or driving others crazy. The dilemma is this: gifted people are intense and highly autonomous while work tasks most often require collaboration and cooperation. If the process is not fully understood and set up properly, conflict and dissatisfaction will abound and little will get done.

7. Intellectualization of Emotions: I work with intellectualizers all the time, mostly males since socialization pressures them to shove their feelings into their heads (while some of us females are socialized to shove lots of our reasoning into the feeling realm). It's not so easy to relinquish one's primary defense mechanism, but it can be traded in for something more useful in a wider array of situations, particularly in close relationships.

8. Heightened perceptivity: Managing teen life as a giant radar dish Chronic stimulus overload is the result of having a built-in radar dish that is huge and never seems to get turned off. I often say that most people have a radar dish about the size of a direct TV dish, while PG people have one the size of those in the movie Contact. This provides both a visual and a comparison that underscores the fact that this is not a slight difference, so it can't result in little effect. I recommend counseling aimed at managing this with a gifted-knowledgeable professional, or at least find ways to help your teen practice "noting" things they perceive without the necessity of processing it. I often use the analogy of the "red mailbox": If you (the teen) were driving down the street and there was a red mailbox along the way, you would undoubtedly notice it. However, it is not essential that it go any further than that. Just because it was picked up on your radar screen doesn't mean you have to do anything other than notice and let go, kind of like the idea of "catch and release" in fishing. It would be a big waste of time and energy and attention to stop the car, get out, and analyze the features of this mailbox. This way gifted teens (who usually enjoy these absurd examples) will see that they already have the capacity to modulate their attention and mental/emotional investment, and they just need to practice making conscious choices about what they take in to what level and decide if anything at all can or needs to be done as a result of what was noticed. Many things that contribute to chronic stimulus overload are due to indiscriminate processing of everything. Developing a screening method like this is very important to people who are pre-wired to take in just about everything--essential stress management tool.

I also believe that gifted individuals pick up on and carry what I think Jung might have termed "collective existential angst," which may be what is behind sudden onsets of anxiety, worry, or despair.

When someone has far-reaching, highly sensitive radar, and intense reactions, the world at large cannot be expected to protect against overload. When I go to the movie theaters with Dolby my ears are in such pain that I either have to leave or use earplugs. Almost always I am a minority of one in this, so complaining to the manager is useless. I also detest overhead florescent lights (headaches and eye strain), and nearly take to my bed if I'm in an inescapable situation (e.g., airplane) near someone who puts on cologne by the handful. The upshot is this, just like your daughter knowing what to stay away from on TV, each pg teen needs to know precisely what affects them negatively and either avoid it when possible, attempt to influence it, or do something else (like the earplugs) to protect themselves. From our end of the world it often appears as though other people are somehow dulled out or their radar is not working right.

9. Fitting in at the expense of authenticity. Just like most of you, I have never been in a non-gifted brain, so I have no idea what that is like (though I ponder this often, and firmly believe the busy-beehive gifted mind can be both a blessing and a curse. Believe me, there are moments when I would love to have an empty head and to disengage my perceptive radar. But none of us would really choose that. Nonetheless, just as non-gifted people assume our minds and ways of gathering and processing stimuli are like theirs, we do the same, assuming they think and perceive as we do. This is understandable, of course, but there are 2 big problems with that assumption: (1) it supports dumbing down and holding back because if we believe this we must therefore truly be "over the top" and too much of everything compared to others, and (2) it leads to a great deal of angst and disappointment about humanity because this belief would mean the "others" perceive, process, cogitate, and integrate life as we do and therefore when they seem apathetic or behind in some way it is simply because they don't care or don't want to try hard enough.

The big payoffs for letting go of this assumption are (a) personal empowerment and (b) relief--(a)"yes, I am quick and aware and challenging and excitable, etc., thanks for noticing." And, (b) Whew! Believing there is freedom in sameness is such a burden and utterly impossible. I don't need to set that goal for myself anymore and that doesn't have to mean I am a loner."

Pg teens are not unlike others in all ways, so they can often fit in on several levels. But in some very important ways they are never going to be the same in any way whatsoever, which means they must make their peace with that fact. I suppose the vast majority of us will always be somewhat starved for a group of "our own kind," and that is a powerful yearning, especially in adolescence. That is why DITD is such a vital resource and connection for gifted teens to come in contact with likeminded others.

Many of the teens I work with daydream of what it would be like if they could take parts of their peers and roll them into one best friend who would fully understand and accept them. That is just as true for gifted adults. But we are scattered throughout societies and because gifted people don't have flashing red beacons on their heads or wear T-shirts that say "Hey, I'm profoundly gifted," finding true peers is very difficult. So, until globalization gets us together more often here is what I usually suggest for those who feel they are on the outside--aim for a Mega Mall group of friends and acquaintances because it is extremely unlikely that you will get all your needs met in a single individual. When I go to high school reunions members of lots of groups, the brainy ones, the social ones, the athletes, the singers, the dancers, the leaders, the goof-offs, and the conservative rebels all claim me as their own. Had I ever thrown a party and invited friends from each group it probably would have ended in a row!

It is also important to learn early on that relationships end for everyone, and that for gifted people when they do it may just be because it is time to move on. The same is true for most mentorship relationships, so the "it must be my fault" assumption is also no good. Of course if building and maintaining friendships is a regular problem, a good gifted therapist may be the answer--social skills training may not be seen as important, but when pg teens feel alone, it can be a tremendous help to create that balance between compromise and authenticity.

Although I am not very fond of the whole Venus/Mars business by John Gray, I often refer to his concept when I speak to parent and/or professional groups in this way: "If women are from Venus and men are from Mars, then gifted people (men and women) must be from Pluto." The point is the reality of living a xenogenic life--almost always, in varying degrees, feeling like or taking care to not look or act like a foreigner. Statistically we know that throughout their lives PG people will be a minority of one more often than not. This is especially difficult for PG teens since adolescent developmental tasks involve solidification of identity and emancipation during the same time period when social pressures are at their peak. It is indeed wonderful to get a glimpse of what your teen is "really like" given the opportunity to spend time with true peers. The first time this happens gifted teens and adults alike experience profound and exceedingly positive "shock and awe." With true peers there is no need to dumb down, water down, slow down, hold back, cover up, fake it, explain yourself over and over, wait for others to catch up or to "get it."

10. Family Talk about Being Gifted: I think this is one of the most difficult tasks parents of gifted teens must deal with. Just dealing with a teen can be quite a handful. And, by the time a PG youngster becomes a teen he/she has had many, many experiences with others that have shaped their thinking and attitudes, toward self and others. No matter how outwardly confident a gifted person seems, research is pretty clear that the biggest hurdle they face is self-doubt.

One of the things I think is very important when raising a PG teen is to do precisely what you reported--talk openly about giftedness often. I don't know of any savvy pg teen who would want the subject of being gifted-different to come up at all, much less be open and honest about it, with peers or anyone not completely trusted to respond kindly and with acceptance. This is such a normalizing, relieving experience and can even lead to some good laughs when done well. But to do well with this parents need to be very honest with themselves and make sure their responses to their teen are not tainted by an unspoken resentment of them, or hidden wish that they were more like the others, or jealousy. This is why I so strongly encourage gifted parents to really come to grips with their own giftedness and get the help they need to heal old wounds.

This article is provided as a service of the Davidson Institute for Talent Development, a 501(c)3 nonprofit operating foundation, which nurtures and supports profoundly intelligent young people and to provide opportunities for them to develop their talents and to make a positive difference. For more information, please visit http://www.davidson-institute.org/, or call (775) 852-3483.

How Hostile Can a Teen Get?

2007-06-17T19:55:00.000-05:00

The house is in chaos, ruled by a single individual: your adolescent child. The mood of your home depends on the mood of your teenager. Sometimes you don't even know if you should confront the teen about something he or she did because you just don't want to hear the hostile, belligerent tone or create yet another futile battle.

When your adolescent controls the mood of the home, parents and siblings often feel helpless, as if they no longer have a safe haven. The interesting thing is, the teen is often just as miserable. The behavior does not make the teen feel powerful. In fact, it often makes them feel desperately out of control.

Children go through many emotional, hormonal, and behavioral shifts during adolescence. Teens in homes that offer strong guidance, structure, and responsibility tend to fare better during these difficult years. When there are no rules and no responsibilities, combined with the heady feeling of incipient independence, teens often feel as if they are chaotically barreling through life. There is a profound difference between allowing a teen to discover a sense of independence and allowing a teen to do whatever he or she "feels" like doing. Usually by the time a teen has developed excessive hostility, it can be a great challenge for parents to then start creating and enforcing rules and responsibilities. However, by slowing introducing them and adding consequences for inappropriate behavior, parents can start to minimize the sense of chaos in the home.

Without structure, basic responsibilities to the home and family, and consequences for problem behavior, a teen's hostile and defiant behavior will continue to escalate. Remember that when you first begin to re-assert yourself as a parent, teens will often rebel more aggressively at first. This should be an expected reaction to the "new home rules." However, parents who are determined to get their teen back on track can find creative ways to encourage participation in positive family activities and remind their teenager that parents are not the enemy.

Everyday Tactics That Will Encourage Your Teen to Read

2007-06-16T19:25:00.000-05:00

Reading is an important skill that all parents need to encourage their children to master. A person who can read, and read well, is more likely to:

-graduate from college;
-get a higher paying job;
-experience the joys of learning new things;
-and enjoy the stress-reducing entertainment of a good book.

While it can be harder to turn a teen on to reading than say, a 3-year-old who loves the attention you give when you read him/her a book, it is not anywhere near impossible. Here are a few tried and true tactics you can use to turn your teen into an avid reader.

Read for enjoyment. The more you model the behavior you want your teen to do, the more likely he/she is to pick up the behavior. If you show your teen that reading can be as fun as watching television, instead of just saying it, he/she will be apt to believe it and quite possibly try it.

Have books that interest your teen available. If there are no books that your teen is interested in reading in your home then your teen has no choices available to him/her. Hit the local book fair or secondhand bookstore and stock up.

Subscribe your teen to a magazine about his/her interest. Magazine articles are short and fun to read for teens, and yet, it’s still reading. A magazine subscription will ensure that your teen has something new to read monthly and will encourage your teen to branch out for more reading fun.

Start a parent-teen book club. Get your teen’s friends and their parents involved in reading together. Meet once a month to talk about the chosen book and get some perspective from the other teens and parents. This turns reading into a fun social activity.

Check out a cool library together. The town library may not interest your teen, especially if it is small. But the nearest college library will have a lot more to offer your teen – and perhaps get him/her used to the place? Don’t just go once, make it a weekly trip.

Play audio books in the car. While this isn’t exactly reading – it is enjoying a book. Your teen may not know what it’s like to enjoy a story, which is one of the most important reasons to read. Buy an audio book that is part of a series. Then your teen can read the rest of the series.

Spend some one-on-one time at the book store. Sometimes children, even those who are as old as your teen, just like having your attention. Hit the bookstore together and talk about the book or magazine your teen chose in the café over an iced latte. Forget about everything you have to do and enjoy the time – and your teen.

Parenting Teens On Finding Good Summer Activities

2007-06-12T13:06:00.000-05:00

Too old for a baby sitter but not quite ready to be left home alone all summer. This is the scenario that many parents of teens face every summer as school lets out. With a little planning and research, you can find a way to keep your teen active and safe during the summer.
Communities of all sizes realize that parents are faced with this situation and by looking into local programs you are certain to find something that suits the interest of your teen.

The YMCA/YWCA often offers low cost, well supervised programs. The variety of programs varies from sports related day programs to arts and crafts or leadership development. One of the benefits of attending a “Y” camp is that the teen is often given access to the complete facility while attending the camp. This can mean swimming or a pick-up game of basketball after the camp activities have finished for the day.

Many colleges also offer summer programs that are as varied as the classes that are found on campus. This would be a great place for an eager techie to brush up on their computer skills or an aspiring dancer to attend a dance camp. Several colleges offer overnight camps at a very reasonable price due to having access to dorms for housing.

Local theater groups will often offer a performing arts camp during the summer. Some bring in professional performers to teach and help the children improve their skills. What an opportunity this would be for an aspiring singer or actor. At the end of the camp, the campers will often perform a play or put on a production for friends and family. This could be a great confidence booster for the typically shy teen.

If a camp or sports program doesn't seem like something that your teen would be interested in, maybe volunteering is the answer. Find something that interests your teen and see if they will allow them to volunteer a couple of hours per week. Local animal shelters and hospitals are the first thing that come to mind but the key is to find something that interests your teen.

Parenting Teens On The Dangers Of Smoking

2007-06-11T11:23:00.000-05:00

By Linda Helpler, R.N.

Most teens know that cigarette smoking can cause lung cancer, emphysema, and even death. Yet one of every four teens in high school smokes-in spite of knowing about these dangers.

Smoking and Peer Pressure

Adolescents are at great risk for experimenting with behaviors like smoking because they want to fit in with their peers. Studies have shown that teens whose friends smoke are nine times more likely to smoke than those whose friends do not smoke.Unfortunately, adolescents often underestimate the addictive power of cigarette smoking.

Symptoms of addiction (strong desire to smoke, feeling tense when not smoking, being unable to stop smoking) can occur within weeks of starting to smoke, even if only occasionally. What is more, the earlier a teen begins smoking, the more likely it is that addiction will occur.

Parental Influence

Parents who make it clear that they disapprove of smoking have more influence on their children than they might think. And if you are a smoker yourself, this may be a good time to quit; children of parents who smoke are twice as likely to try cigarettes than those whose parents are not smokers. Even if you are not ready yet to quit smoking, this is no reason to avoid talking to your child about cigarettes.

It's never too early to bring up the topic of smoking. Most kids who smoke say they tried their first cigarette at 13 years old or younger!

How To Start

A good way to open the discussion is by asking your child if he or she knows why smoking is harmful. Most likely, she'll know about the long term effects, but most kids are unaware of other bad effects that may occur soon after starting to smoke, such as:

Teens who smoke are more likely to get sick than those who don't, and they have a harder time recovering from illness.

Smoking causes premature wrinkling and bad breath.

Those who smoke are more susceptible to cavities.

Cigarette smoking can cause shortness of breath, which can interfere with playing sports or enjoying physical activities.

Smoking during adolescence increases the likelihood of developing an anxiety disorder.

Cigarettes are expensive.

Smokers spend hundreds of dollars per year on cigarettes-money that could be spent on something else.

How to Empower Your Child To Say No

One of the best ways to help keep your child smoke-free is to help them to feel good about themselves. Teens who have a chance to feel proud of themselves through accomplishments in activities such as music, sports, or clubs-feel less need to seek pleasure in other ways.

Teach your child to be an independent thinker. It takes both strength and practice to say "no" when others are pressuring you to try a cigarette. Help prepare your child for these tough situations by having him work through scenarios such as these:

Your friend tells you that there will be a party tonight at the beach-with alcohol! She suggests that you wait until your parents are sleeping and slip out of your bedroom window-they'll never know you left.

A boy at school has a stuttering problem. All of the other kids make fun of him, mimicking his speech-including your friends. You feel sorry for the boy, but you don't want your friends to make fun of you for sticking up for him.

Your best friend was too busy to do her math homework. She asks you if she can copy your answers; her parents will kill her if she gets another bad grade!

Repeat, Repeat, Repeat Helping your child to resist the pressure to smoke is not a one-time lesson. You must make your viewpoint known, help your child to develop skills to resist risky behaviors such as smoking, and continue these discussions throughout adolescence. If your child gets through high school without developing a smoking habit, it is likely that she will not smoke as an adult.

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Defiant Teens

2007-06-09T15:37:00.001-05:00

Does your home feel like a Battle Ground?

What must a parent do when their defiant teen is the one ruling the house instead of them? Your teenager’s temperament affects the whole household, and often parents would rather just keep quiet than tackle the manner in which their teenager responds to their parenting.

Even if you know in your head that you should speak up and ask your teen why they didn’t take out the garbage the other day, you don’t. Why? Because just thinking of the fight that will ensue from mentioning it gives you a colossal headache!

This is not the atmosphere your household should have. If your defiant teen is calling the shots at home, they will make everyone in it adjust to their behavior. You want to speak up about them not facing their responsibilities, but at the same time you don’t want the volcanic eruption that goes with it! This kind of atmosphere can leave a parent feeling powerless. Even younger brothers or sisters of the teenager may get stuck in between as they have their own reactions to their sibling’s rebellious behavior. Does your home feel like a battleground?

Positive Independence

A setting like the one described can easily give rise to the fostering of negative feelings for one’s child as control over the home is continually lost. But it is important to note that in a situation such as this one, the teenager himself may be actually just as disturbed. Their rebellious actions do not leave them feeling “in control.” It actually does the contrary.

Changing hormones cause a myriad of emotional and behavioral alterations in your teen. It has been documented that teenagers provided with a sturdy foundation of guidance and structure cope with these changes better. These adolescents are left to float aimlessly through this difficult stage in their lives if you do not provide the rules and acknowledge the proper responsibilities of your child. Merely leaving them to be, provides a breeding ground for the development of the wrong kind of independence—a rebellious kind. This leads to hostility. What we want to breed is a positive kind of independence wherein the teenager grows.

Providing Guidance

If one chooses to wait until after your child starts acting up to impose rules and structure, then you will have double the trouble implementing them. But by gradually bringing in guidelines with the appropriate penalties, you can expect more harmony at home. Conversely, if your household lacks structure and your teenager is not aware of his responsibilities at home, you’re headed for trouble. Teenage hostility and an adolescent’s defiance can worsen without proper guidance.

Keep in mind that it may always be hard in the beginning to try and intervene with your teen’s behavior. They may react with even more defiance. But this is a natural reaction to your imposition of structure. Faced with this situation, it is good to consider the creative approach in urging your teenagers to get involved in activities of the family. This way, even as you want to show them who’s boss, you can also remind them that you’re a friend too!

troubledteensinfo.com/Defiant_Teens/

Defiant Teens

2007-06-09T15:37:00.000-05:00

Advice for Parents of Troubled Teens

2007-06-08T17:08:00.000-05:00

It's normal for teenagers to want to feel independent. But it's not typical for them to act out in dangerous extremes. If your teenager is creating self-destructive situations, you can't afford not to intervene. Should you wait until your teenager is in a perilous situation before you do something about it? The answer is not "no," it's "Hell no!" Dr. Phil explains:

Identify the Cause
Teenagers are known to explore new things, but they don't make severe switches in personality just out of the blue. If they're making drastic behavioral changes, there's a reason. It's a cause-and-effect situation. As a parent, it's your responsibility to identify what's behind the change. It may be a recent event, or it may be something deep-rooted.

Look Back
Negative events that happened at ages 2, 3 or 4 help to shape children's personalities. By the time these toddlers become teenagers, they've been living with the resulting pain for most of their lives. Young children may feel pain and anger, but they lack the ability to act on those emotions. Teenagers, however, are able to act on these feelings with more lasting — and harmful — consequences

Listen and Talk
Teenagers today have more opportunities to make bad decisions than they did in years past. This is all the more reason that you must be a positive, reliable person in your child's life. Listen to him or her and resist the urge to judge or advise; sometimes just being heard helps. Even though they're often reluctant to admit it, they seek approval, love, and a "soft place to fall" in their parents. If they don't feel valued, loved and understood at home, they'll turn elsewhere to get the acceptance they so deeply need.

Act Like a Parent
...especially if your teenager is already going down the wrong path. A warm relationship is ideal, but sometimes you must do things your child won't understand. Remember: you're a parent, not a pal. Your responsibility is to ensure the well-being and safety of your child. Intervening in a dangerous situation (like ones involving drugs, abuse or truancy) might make your child dislike you, but it will also save his or her life. Don't "go along just to get along;" do what's best for your child.

Teens and Birth Control

2007-06-07T11:32:00.000-05:00

Whether you are male or female, your life can suddenly be changed forever by pregnancy or a sexually transmitted disease (STD). Think for a moment what this would be like for you.

The most dependable way to prevent pregnancy and STD infection is not to have sexual intercourse. This is called abstinence.

If you do not choose abstinence and are sexually active, always be prepared. To protect yourself and your future, think ahead about birth control methods and STD protection. Never have sex without protection. Using condoms will reduce your risk of getting an STD.

Even a single act of sexual intercourse can lead to pregnancy or an STD infection. A sexually active teen (boy or girl) who is not using any birth control has a 90% chance of conceiving a pregnancy within 1 year.

Take charge of your health and your future

Even if you plan not to have sex until you're older, take a little time to learn and decide about:

Which birth control methods are available.

Which birth control methods you know you would be able to count on every time you'd need one.

How to use a condom to avoid getting or spreading a sexually transmitted disease, including HIV. (Some STDs can be spread through oral sex as well as through intercourse.) If you are sexually active, male or female, always have a condom with you. Don't ever depend on someone else to have a condom when you need it.

How to use a combination of methods for the best protection against pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases.

It may not be easy to talk about sexual activity and birth control, but it is important that you know how to practice safe sex. Hopefully, you have a parent, school or church counselor, or health professional that you feel comfortable talking to. Organizations such as Planned Parenthood are private, confidential resources for learning how to be both sexual and responsible. See the Planned Parenthood Web site for teens at http://www.teenwire.com/, or check your telephone listings for the Planned Parenthood office near you.

The best birth control methods for you are those that are easy for you to use (or are already in effect) each time you have intercourse. Follow up regularly with a health professional to make sure that your birth control method is working effectively for you. And if you have any side effects that are making it hard for you to use the method as directed, choose a different method.

If you have a long-term (chronic) illness or a disability, talk to a health professional about which birth control choices are best for you.

For teen boys and girls

Protect yourself and your partner from sexually transmitted diseases and pregnancy.

Consider the benefits of abstinence.

If you have sex, use a condom.

If your partner is not comfortable with using a condom, don't have sex.

If you are not using another form of birth control, use spermicide (which is put in the vagina before intercourse) with the condom. Spermicide or another form of birth control lowers your risk of getting pregnant if the condom fails.

For teen girls

-Some teenage girls are worried about visiting a health professional for birth control.

-Don't be shy about protecting yourself from sexually transmitted diseases by having a condom on hand and asking your partner to use it.

-If you are concerned about having a pelvic exam or keeping your health information private, talk to your health professional or a family planning clinic counselor.

-If you have not been sexually active before now, a pelvic exam may not be necessary.

-If you have been sexually active, it's very important that you are screened for STDs every year. Some STDs can be screened for with a urine test. You may not need a Pap test and pelvic exam until 2 to 3 years after you become sexually active. (A Pap test checks for early signs of cervical cancer, which starts from a sexually transmitted virus, a type of human papillomavirus.)

-Have emergency contraception on hand or know how to get it if a condom breaks.

Before choosing and using a birth control method, be honest with yourself. If it failed and you started a pregnancy, what would you do? Are you ready to raise a child? Is an abortion an acceptable option for you? Answering these questions can help you know how committed you are to preventing a pregnancy. For most sexually active teens, it is worth it to use the most effective birth control methods possible.

When choosing a birth control method, also consider protecting yourself against sexually transmitted diseases. Condoms give the most effective STD protection for both partners, no matter what other birth control method you are using. Some studies suggest that female condoms are as effective as male condoms in preventing STDs.7 However, as birth control, condoms used alone are not highly dependable.

Emergency contraception

Emergency contraception is the use of either a copper intrauterine device (IUD) or a certain type of birth control pill on a specific dosing schedule. The pills can prevent a pregnancy when taken up to 5 days after unprotected sex, although they are most effective when used within 72 hours. Using a copper IUD can prevent pregnancy if it is inserted within 5 to 7 days after you have had unprotected sex.

Hopefully, you'll never need to use emergency contraception. However, if you have had unprotected sexual intercourse or you think your birth control method may have failed, emergency contraception is a last-resort way to prevent a pregnancy. It is not to be used as a substitute for ongoing birth control.

Experts recommend having a prescription for emergency contraception on hand (if not the actual pills) so that it is readily available should you ever need it. Talk to your health professional or a family planning clinic about this.

If you do use emergency contraception, be sure to follow up with your health professional to find an effective, ongoing method of birth control.

For more information, see the Emergency Contraception Web site at http://ec.princeton.edu/.

Healthy Parenting - How Social Workers Help Struggling Teens

2007-06-05T00:15:00.000-05:00

Introduction

The adolescent years can be very challenging for some teenagers and their families. While adolescence can be an emotionally intense, stormy phase for virtually all teenagers, sometimes a teen’s struggles require special intervention. Many teens struggle with issues related to mental health, family relationships, friends, school performance, substance abuse, sexuality, and other high-risk behaviors.

Warning Signs

Struggling teens usually show signs of distress. Common warning signs include:

-Low self-esteem
-School failure and truancy
-Defiance towards authority (such as parents, teachers, police)
-Running away from home
-Choosing the “wrong” friends
-Impulsive behavior (such as speeding, taking other unsafe risks)
-Getting in trouble with the law
-Depression
-Abusing alcohol or drugs
-Social isolation
-Eating disorders (overeating, not eating, self-induced vomiting)
-Self injury (such as cutting)

There is help for these youngsters and their families through many avenues.

How to Find Help

There are many ways to locate and access programs and services for struggling teens. Initially parents can seek help by contacting school personnel (guidance counselors, social workers, administrators), family service agencies, community mental health centers, other community-based social service programs designed specifically for at-risk youngsters and their families, public child welfare agencies, family and juvenile courts, and specialty courts (such as truancy and drug courts).

Social workers can help parents and struggling teens identify and explore difficult and challenging family issues. Individual, family, and group counseling provided by clinical social workers may help parents and teens improve their communication skills and relationships, resolve conflicts, and address important mental health issues.

Professionals called “educational advocates” and “educational consultants” may be able to help parents and teens obtain needed services. Educational advocates, who are often attorneys, help people obtain specialized educational services. Educational advocates charge parents a fee and work with local, state, and federal education officials to ensure that students receive the services and “special accommodations” to which they are entitled by law. Advocates may file claims in court to force school districts to provide or pay for special-needs services and programs outside the school district.

Educational consultants help parents locate programs and services designed to meet their child’s needs. Educational consultants charge parents a fee, assess each teen’s unique strengths and needs, and help the family find the most appropriate schools or programs for their teen. Many educational consultants monitor students’ progress in the new program or school and, when necessary, advocate for the teen with that program or school when challenging issues arise.

Cost of Programs and Services

Programs and services for struggling teens can be very expensive. Some families are able to pay for these programs and services “out of pocket.” Some families have health insurance that pays for all or part of the program, or the public school system may pay the cost.

Many families cannot afford needed programs and services, do not have adequate insurance, and are unable to obtain funding from their public school department. In some instances families that cannot afford needed services agree to give legal custody of their teen to the local public child welfare agency, which then funds the services or programs (in several states the public child welfare agency will fund services without requiring that parents hand over legal custody). In still other circumstances, desperate parents may turn to the juvenile or family court and formally request that the teen be declared “wayward,” thus enabling the court to require the child to accept intervention. In these cases the state typically pays for needed services and programs. Some parents may be reluctant to use this route to services because the court, not they, determine where the child goes for help.

There is a wide range of services and programs run by private and public agencies for struggling teens and their families. Some programs may be available locally; however, some programs may be in other communities or states, which means that the teen must live away from home in order to receive needed services.

Crisis Intervention

A broad range of professionals and agencies offer crisis intervention and follow-up counseling services to teens and families. These services may be available through family service agencies, community mental health centers, hospital outpatient clinics, public child welfare departments, and psychotherapists in private practice (such as clinical social workers, clinical and counseling psychologists, mental health counselors, pastoral counselors, psychiatric nurses, and psychiatrists).

Many communities offer comprehensive counseling and family-intervention programs specifically for teens and families in crisis. These programs – known by names such as “comprehensive emergency services” or “comprehensive intensive services” – provide home-based assessment, emergency counseling, information, and referrals for longer term help.

Special Schools and Programs

A variety of alternative schools, therapeutic schools, and treatment programs serve teens who struggle with significant behavioral, emotional, mental health, and substance abuse issues. Some programs, such as alternative high schools, focus primarily on education while being sensitive to students’ mental health and behavioral challenges. Other programs, such as residential treatment programs, therapeutic boarding schools, and wilderness therapy programs, focus primarily on mental health, emotional and behavioral issues, while including an educational component. “Emotional growth” boarding schools address mental health, emotional, behavioral, and educational issues simultaneously. Other boarding schools focus on specific learning disabilities while also paying attention to the whole student. In short, different programs give different degrees of emphasis to personal and academic issues.

Parents of struggling teens – particularly teens who are oppositional and defiant – may be tempted to place their child in a school or program that promises to impose needed discipline and structure. Often these schools and programs – such as some military boarding schools and those that advertise their mission as “character education” – do not provide the mental health services many struggling teens need. These schools and programs can cause more harm than good for struggling teens who have personal and mental health issues that contribute to their challenges.

Prominent program options include:

-Alternative high schools provide education, including special education services to teens who have floundered academically or socially in traditional high schools. These schools may be freestanding or sponsored by a community mental health center, family service agency, school district, or a “collaborative” composed of several social service and educational programs.

-Youth diversion programs typically attempt to help struggling teens who have had contact with the police avoid more formal involvement in the juvenile justice system (juvenile courts and correctional facilities). Typical youth diversion programs offer first offenders individual and family counseling, links to other needed services (such as psychiatric medication), and education.
Independent living programs are designed to help adolescents develop the skills they need to live independently. These programs primarily serve teens who do not have stable families and are in the state’s custody. Some independent living programs also serve teens whose families are able to pay for these services privately. Typical services include practice in daily living skills, money management, career and educational planning, mental health services, housing assistance, recreational, and social activities and case management.

-Wilderness therapy programs offer highly structured intensive short-term (three to six weeks) therapy in remote locations that remove adolescents from the distractions available in their home communities (such as television, music, computers, cars, drugs and alcohol, movies, delinquent peer groups). The challenges of living full-time outdoors and developing wilderness survival skills help teens develop self-confidence and pro-social behaviors. Often, families are advised to send their struggling teen first to a wilderness therapy program and then to a therapeutic or emotional growth boarding school, rather than return the teen to their home community environment.

Boarding schools for teens with significant learning disabilities offer structured academic programs that focus on education and learning while addressing relevant emotional and behavioral issues.

Emotional growth boarding schools offer structured academic programs and focus on emotional development and personal growth but do not provide the intensive treatment services offered by therapeutic boarding schools.
Therapeutic boarding schools focus intensively on students’ mental health, substance abuse, and behavioral needs while also providing an academic educational program.

-Residential treatment centers offer highly structured treatment addressing substance abuse, family, and other mental health issues. In contrast with therapeutic boarding schools, residential treatment centers are more like a psychiatric hospital than a school, although they may have an academic/educational component in their program.

Substance Abuse and Truancy Courts

Many communities run substance abuse courts (sometimes known as drug courts) and truancy courts. These specialty courts use a supportive and nurturing approach rather than a punitive one to help struggling teens. Using case management, counseling, tutoring, mentoring, and parent education, the courts’ goal is to prevent future problems and more formal involvement with the juvenile justice system.

How Social Workers Help

Social workers can provide struggling teens and their families with:

-Assessment of the teenager’s and family’s needs and strengths
-Information about and referral to needed programs and services
-Information about financial and legal issues and resources
-Names of reputable educational advocates and educational consultants
-Crisis intervention counseling services
-On-going psychotherapy for the teen, the parents, and the family as a whole
-Case management (helping staff from multiple agencies coordinate and communicate on behalf of the teen, and advocating for the family with these providers)
-Information about important “warning signs” of teens who are on a downward spiral and the steps needed to get help

Resources

Information about services and programs for struggling teens and families is available from social workers, schools, public child welfare agencies, juvenile and family courts, family service agencies, community mental health centers, educational advocates, educational consultants, and lawyers. Useful Web sites include:

Adventure and Wilderness Therapy Treatment Programs (http://www.wilderness-therapy.org/)

Alcoholics Anonymous (http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/)

The Association of Boarding Schools (http://www.schools.com/)

Cocaine anonymous (http://www.ca.org/)

The Drug Court Clearinghouse (http://spa.american.edu/justice/drugcourts.php)

The Independent Educational Consultants Association (http://www.educationalconsulting.org/)

Narcotics Anonymous (http://www.na.org/)

National Association of Theapeutic Schools and Programs (NATSAP): (http://www.natsap.org/)

The National Independent Living Association (http://www.nilausa.org/)

The National Youth Court Center (http://www.youthcourt.net/)

The Substance Abuse Treatment Facility Locator, Center for Substance Abuse Treatment, Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration(http://findtreatment.samhsa.gov/)

Woodbury Reports – a guide to programs for struggling teens (http://www.strugglingteens.com/)

Dr. Reamer and Dr. Siegel are the authors of Finding Help for Struggling Teens, A Guide for Parents and the Professsionals Who Work for Them available through the NASW Press. Dr. Reamer is also the author of The Pocket Guide to Essential Human Services which contains diverse resources compiled into a user-friendly guidebook appropriate for use by professionals, volunteers, and consumers.

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The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect those of the National Association of Social Workers or its members

Teens with “Summer Time” on Their Hands

2007-06-04T00:56:00.000-05:00

Summertime can be a risky time for teenagers. More teens try marijuana for the first time than any other time of the year. Why? The main culprit is boredom. Ensuring that your teen is engaged in positive activities, whether summer school, camps, volunteering or planned, supervised outings with friends can be a way to deter youth from things that are harmful to them, such as drug and alcohol use.

The following list will help guide you and your teen toward a safe and healthy summer:

* Establish a summertime curfew for your teen* Help plan activities to keep your teen busy

* Schedule time together to do something fun as a family

* Check in with adult supervisors, such as coaches and employers

* Meet your child’s friends, especially those that your teen hangs out with regularly

* Set some kind of check-in system, such as an established call time when they get home

Teenagers At Risk Of Internet Addiction

2007-06-01T09:23:00.000-05:00

If your teenager spends hours huddled over a computer, there is a good chance you have something to worry about — internet addiction.

The first study of the impact of internet use on Australian teenagers found a third of respondents were "in the process of becoming psychologically addicted" and teenagers, on average, spent 13 hours a week on-line.

The pilot study, conducted by Dr Mubarak Ali of Flinders University in Adelaide, focused on 114 government and private-school students across a broad socio-economic range.

The validity of so-called internet addiction is hotly debated, but Dr Ali, a mental health expert, said it appeared to follow a similar pattern to gambling.

"Substance abuse is something visible. Psychological addictions are caused by wanting to hang onto or enhance positive feelings and stimuli, like winning in gambling, playing computer games or projecting whatever personality you like in chat rooms," he said.

Seven per cent of teenagers aged 13 to 17 described themselves as "becoming addicted" to the net and other 26 per cent said they used it every day and considered it "an important part of their lives".

A national study will be launched next year to investigate the impulses related to compulsive internet use.

Dr Ali said teenagers reported an alarming lack of parental supervision, including a very low take-up of readily available net-filter software, mainly due to a technological generation gap. Less than 7 per cent of boys reported any parental concern over their chat room participation, compared with almost 40 per cent of girls' parents.

"This is despite the fact that a chat room is anonymous and all the weaknesses of human beings can be played out inside it without any restrictions, including cyber-sex and the circulation of pornography, humiliating or embarrassing photos and gossip," Dr Ali said.

"It is cultural stereotyping to assume boys are able to look after themselves. We find no significant gender differences in the rate of psychological problems experienced by adolescents.

"Both groups are being inadequately supervised, but boys are particularly neglected. They are being left to go it alone in managing their emotions, leaving them increasingly vulnerable to abuse and psychological stress within the cyber world."

Earlier this year, the Australian Medical Journal raised the alarm over research showing older Australian teenagers now spend more than six hours a day multi-tasking with a range of media, ranging from TV to internet use and instant messaging.

Recent American research has found chat room use reduces interactions between adolescents and their families, damaging family cohesiveness and increasing the potential for isolation and psychological problems, including depression.

Kristo Agollari, 17, a high school student about to enter year 12, uses the internet an average one to two hours a day. He first used the internet at the age of 12 or 13 and says he isn't addicted to being online.

Kristo has a computer in his bedroom with no filter restricting site access and manages to avoid any parental sanction on his net use. His parents try to limit his internet usage: "They tell me not to be on the net too long because my eyes get bad or I get too tired or I need to study," he says.

Parent-child test for internet addiction

■ Does your child frequently disobey time limits for internet use?
■ Does your child prefer to spend time online rather than with the rest of your family?
■ Does your child check his or her email before doing anything else?
■ Does your child seem withdrawn since discovering the internet?
■ Does your child snap, yell or act annoyed if bothered while online?

Understanding And Preventing Teenage Runaways

2007-05-31T14:51:00.000-05:00

One of the greatest fears that parents can experience comes when they discover that their child is missing or has run away. Parents will experience a range of emotions. The stress of the situation and the different ways in which parents, family, friends and police respond can reach crisis proportions and create further crisis within a family.

The Difference Between a Runaway Child and a Missing Child

There is a difference between a child who has runaway and child that is missing. A runaway has left home or left a supervised environment. They usually run to escape or avoid something, or they are running somewhere to find or get something. A missing child might be lost, abducted, injured or held against their will by others. A runway is not necessarily missing. A runaway in not the same as a child who "sneaks" out at night to be with friends.

Motivations of a Runaway

To avoid an emotional experience or consequence that they are expecting in some future encounter or situation.

To escape a recurrent or ongoing unpleasant, painful or difficult experience in their life.

To avoid the loss of activities, relationships or friendships that are considered important or worthwhile.

To be with others people who are supportive, encouraging and active.

To be with others or in places that are distractions from other problems in their life.

To change or stop what they are doing or about to do.

Warning Signs of a Potential Runaway.

Attempts to communicate result in arguments, raised voices, interruptions, name calling, hurt feelings and failure to reach an acceptable agreement.

The child has a network of friends who are largely unsupervised, oppositional, defiant, involved with drugs and other antisocial behaviors.

An increasing pattern of impulsive, irrational and emotionally abusive behavior by either the parent(s) or teenager.

Communication That Helps Prevent Runaways

The following is a brief list of suggestions that can help reduce the risk of a runaway. Keep in mind that these are only suggestions than may help. If the risk is high, and your relationship is extremely poor, including the level of trust, then these suggestions may not help. Obtain the support and advice of a qualified profession if you feel there is a risk that your child may run away.

Never dare your child to run away because you think they may not.

Never use sarcasm or a negative attitude that demonstrates that you do not respect your teenager

Never raise your voice or yell - especially when your teenager is raising their voice or yelling.

Stay calm and quiet, make eye contact, and don't respond if your child is angry, shouting or in a rage. Waite until they are calm.

Never interrupt your teenager when they are talking or trying to explain something - even if you disagree. Waite until they are done.

Remind yourself that simply listening and telling your child that you understand does not mean you will agree when they are finished, nor does it mean you will do what they seem to want.

Never call you teenager names or label them with words like liar, a thief, a brat, a punk, childish, immature, untrustworthy, selfish, cruel, unkind, stupid, etc... These words will not help. Your child will only begin to think of you in negative terms and may even start calling you worse names.

Talk less and use fewer words than your teenagers.

Tell you teenager that you understand what they are saying. Say "I understand." And if you don't understand, say "I'm not sure I understand, ...tell me again."

When you don't agree and you are certain that you understand your teenager's point of view (and your teenager believes you understand) tell your teenager. "I think I understand, but I don't agree with you. I want to think we can understand each other, but we don't have to agree."

Remember you can also agree with your child, but you don't have to let them do whatever they want. For instance, you might agree that their is be no significant difference between some teenagers who are 17 years old and some people who are 21 years old, but that does not mean you will allow teenagers to consume alcohol at a party at your house.

Never explain yourself or argue if your child expects you to justify the fact that you do not agree.

When your teenager stops talking, ask "Is there anything else you want to tell me."

If you get overwhelmed or upset, tell your child "I'm overwhelmed and a little upset. I need a break and a chance to calm down and think about this." Then tell them you want a 20 minute (or so) break and then you will talk to them again. Be sure to take a break.

Get professional advice from a qualified mental health professional if your child is demanding, threatening or acting as if they should be allowed to do whatever they want.

When two parents are speaking with a teenagers, it is important to take turns, but be careful to let your teenagers speak as much as BOTH parents speak. Both parents should talk equally and use less words than their child.

Steps You Can Take That Will Help Reduce the Risk of a Runaway

Develop a Crisis Intervention plan for your teenager if the situation involves a crisis or recurrent crises.

Seek an evaluation and advice from a qualified mental health professional or crisis intervention specialist if your child may be self-harming, suicidal, destructive or violent.

Review and familiarize yourself with the material on this web site that pertain to Crisis Intervention.

Seek counseling or therapy for any emotional problems or difficulties associated with any angry, violent or suicidal behavior from a qualified mental health professional. Referral Information

Evaluate any alcohol and other drug use and treat as recommended by a qualified professional. Alcohol and Other Drug Information

Encourage a medical evaluation and treatment for any mental illness or other medical condition requiring medication or medical treatment.

If appropriate, consider enrolling and participating in an educational or skills training group that will improve communication and interpersonal skills (e.g. parenting skills, communication, divorce adjustment, assertiveness training, conflict resolution, or strategies to diffuse angry, aggressive and violent behavior).

Develop a plan that will minimize and limit all communication that usually leads to conflict, aggression or violence and take steps to resolve problems calmly. Establish a plan that supports communication.

If there is abuse or neglect, seek advice and further investigation from a qualified mental health profession, law enforcement or an attorney who has experience dealing with abuse and neglect issues. An attorney can provide absolute confidentiality. Law enforcement and some mental health professionals cannot. Confidentiality Information.

The Terrible Teens; The Challenge Of Parenting Teenagers

2007-05-30T09:55:00.000-05:00

Parents who have been through it will often remark about the difficulties and frustrations of the “terrible twos” – a time in which toddlers set about finding and asserting their own individuality and independence. It can be an enormously demanding time for parents who – up until then – had complete control over the activities of their child. Suddenly, they are thrust into a world where their word is challenged and their once complacent child has been replaced with an unpredictable person who knows their own mind and isn’t afraid to say so.

But what few will tell you as you go through this frustrating time is that it’s just the beginning. That these small toddler tantrums that seem so earth-shattering at the time are merely the appetizers to a much larger feeding frenzy. Because the challenge of parenting teenagers is still to come and – little do you know – you’ll soon wish for these times of innocence and toddler tenacity.

Parenting children of any age carries with it its own set of challenges. But the challenge of parenting teenagers brings unique demands. With teenagers, parenting is complicated because you are trying to administer guidance and support to someone who has developed their own specific opinions about life.

Along with these newly developed views on the world comes the desire to experiment – a universal teenaged right of passage. The challenge of parenting teenagers is bridging the gap between allowing your children enough space to be who they need/want to be at that particular moment while still establis
hing enough boundaries to keep them safe. It can be a difficult line to walk.

The challenge of parenting teenagers also means avoiding the temptation of wanting to be your child’s friend. Teenagers don’t need any more friends – they need parents who set boundaries. It’s hard to be unpopular and to make unpopular decisions but it’s a part of being a responsible parent.

Support your children with understanding, unwavering love, and a positive outlook on life. Many teenagers – immersed in their own world of difficulties and drama – will often have trouble imagining a life beyond these turbulent years. You, as their parent, must act as their guide to adulthood.

Father's Day Gift Ideas

2007-05-29T23:10:00.000-05:00

Alternatives to Traditional Presents

Tired of buying that "tired" ole tired for your father for Father's Day? Do you have more than one dad to buy for on Father's Day? Try doing something unique and different this year for the men in your life.

Father's Day gives all blended families a day to honor and recognize the one man or men that truely have meant a great deal to them. Whether the "father" that is being honored is referred to as "dad" or "step-dad" is of no consequence. He who works hard to provide for his family and is a positive male role model in the home deserves a day of rest and relaxation. If you are at a loss for ideas, consider some alternatives to traditional Father's Day gifts that seem to be the "norm."

Understand his limits. Does Dad need a well-deserved break? A mini vacation might be something that he may really need! Choose a destination he has suggested in the past or create a personalized passport to any place he desires. Place the passport in his Father's Day card along with a brochure highlighting the area he is to visit and enough cash for spending money.

Recognize his hobbies. What does the father in your life enjoy doing? Will a new set of golf clubs or a fishing pole tickle his fancy? How about camping equipment, the latest video games or a tennis racket?

Address his needs. Could your stepfather use some new running shoes? How about a wardrobe makeover? Although is not recommended that you purchase clothing for others unless you are well versed in the tastes and sizes of the recipient, in lieu of shopping for Dad you can offer him a gift certificate to his favorite clothing store.

Pimp his ride. What is the condition of Dad's car? Could it use some new seat covers or floor mats? How about getting it detailed? Everyone loves a car that looks and smells as good as new.

Tantalize his taste buds. A large household rarely has time to cater to the culinary preferences of individuals. Spend the day preparing all of Dad’s favorite meals to show him how much he means to everyone. Start with breakfast and end with the evening meal. Do not forget to close the day with his favorite beverage accompanied by a dessert that he will not soon forget!

Hire someone to take care of his household responsibilities. Time is short when someone works full time outside of the home. Most fathers would rather spend what little time they have available with their children and their wives instead of doing household chores. Consider paying someone to take over his chores for the year. If money is a problem and the children are old enough, enlist them to take on some of his work. The entire family will benefit from having more time with dad throughout the year.

Parents and step-parents alike work hard to nurture their family. Taking one day a year to thank them for their commitment helps renew their spirit, strengthens their resolve and encourages familial bonding.

Parenting Your Teen On Peer Pressure

2007-05-29T14:36:00.000-05:00

Peer pressure is such a strong and stressful subject with teenagers in today's times. They have so much more on their plate to deal with than we did as parents in our times as teenagers. When my teenagers come home with the stories of what they have faced in their day at school I shudder and shake to think what it must have been like for them. It is so totally unfair and unjust that they should have to be subjected to that when all they should be doing is enjoying being teenagers and getting an education.

We as parents need to give them a solid foundation at home and give them all the support we can and send them off with an emotional hug so when they are subjected to all this peer pressure they will have the strength to say no to the drugs, cigarettes, pre-marital sex, alcohol and any other number of pressures they are subjected to.

It is definitely our responsibility to educate our teenagers about all these vices that they will run into throughout their teenage years along with the classes they will take in school so that they will have the tools they need to educate them on what is needed to know how bad drugs, sex, cigarettes, alcohol and many other things are for them. Kids are cruel and in order for our teens to feel like they fit in they will come close to doing these things just to "fit in" with the "in" crowd because these teenage years are hard enough as it is.

So, parents lets give those emotional hugs daily and send our teens off with our support, love and encouragement for we have no idea what our teens deal with on a day to day basis with this peer pressure and they need all the support they need. As they say, it takes a village to raise a child!

Your Teenage Daughter Is Pregnant

2007-05-28T10:30:00.000-05:00

If your teenager daughter comes to you and tells you she is pregnant, it is "not" the end of the world parents! It is definately a wake up call for her and for you but if ever she needed you it is NOW. Too many parents are more concerned about the stigma of what everyone "else" thinks and how it looks on them as parents instead of what their daughter has to be going through.

True, she messed up but don't you think she is paying dearly enough guys? Wake up! Be parents and stand beside her instead of hiding your heads in the sand. I know you blame yourselves, your parenting skills and wonder where you went wrong. Folks, it had nothing to do with you unless you were NOT paying attention and the ones of you who weren't know who I am talking about. What needs to happen now is for her to get some good advice from some people she can trust and she most definitely had some very serious decisions to make. You, as your parent/parents cannot make these decisions for her. I, myself, was pregnant at 19 years old and my parents forced me to give my child up for adoption and I have yet to forgive my mother for this. She and my dad sent me off to an unwed mother's home. Out of sight, out of mind situation was easier for them. Don't do this to your teenage daughters! They need you and they need you to let "them" decide what they want to do with their babies and not have anything forced upon them.

They have several legitimate options available to them in today's times. They can terminate the pregnancy, they can place the baby up for adoption as I did or they can raise the baby themselves. This is an extremely difficult decision and is not to be taken lightly. You as parents need to give them tremendous support and understand how much you love them so you can see how difficult it is when they are dealing with a life themselves that ultimately belongs to them as well.

The first thing that I would suggest is seeking out a reputable counselor that she would feel comfortable sitting down with and sorting through her options as an objective point of view from a professional is just what she needs at this point. Weighing her options very carefully will help ease her mind and yours as well in the long run. Alot of teenage girls who become pregnant will try to hang onto their boyfriends in hopes of making them take on this responsibility only to usually end up getting hurt and finding out the hard way that they are usually in this difficult circumstance alone or will intentionally get preganant to have something to love of their own.

Seeking a counselor will help them sort through all of these feelings and help them decide what is best for them and for their babies. When they got pregnant though they did not think about all the dirty diapers, the crying at night and the loss of social life. All the pressure to be accepted by the boy or to feel loved was and is usually the main factor behind the pregnancy and now they must face the ultimate consequence and decision that goes along with it and an extremely difficult one at that.

Your daughter has the right to decide what she wishes to do with her pregnancy. No matter what her decision, a counselor can help her through the strong emotions she will be feeling. Often teens who become pregnant drop out of school. Encourage her to stay in school. Many schools offer teenage parent programs to help girls complete their education. As hard as it may be, try to give your daughter your honest advice and your love. She needs it now.

A Teenager Named Ray With ADHD And His Transformation

2007-05-27T13:27:00.000-05:00

2007-05-27T13:22:00.000-05:00

2007-05-27T13:17:00.000-05:00

GET INFORMED, STAY INFORMED!!

Parenting An ADHD Teenager

2007-05-27T12:07:00.000-05:00

My son, Wesley

I, myself, have an ADHD son. He has overcome so many obstacles but fortunately was diagnosed at a very young age and was immediately put on Ritalin in the 3rd grade but over a period of time outgrew it and was eventually put on Straterra which seemed to be a wonder drug for us. We really struggled, especially with me being a single parent. My son was so lost not understanding what was going on inside of him and since he has come into his teenage years he has seemingly grown out of it a great deal but it is not to say he will not struggle with it somewhat the rest of his life. So, I have decided to share some information that will hopefully help other parents who may be dealing with ADHD teenagers themselves for it is as very challenging disorder for any parent.

All teenagers can suffer from extreme mood swings and defiant outburts, but with ADHD teenagers they can tend to be more extreme and parents can be left extremely drained and wondering how they will get through each and every day to cope with this exhausting disorder. So, if you are a parent of an ADHD teenager, I will try to explain some of the different aspects of ADHD and things you can expect to see in your teenager and hopefully give you some ideas on coping with these changes your teens.

These difficulties usually involve mental, emotional, and physical changes of adolescence. During these years their emotions will "yo yo" and will be a quest for their independence which is the norm for any teenager.

Establishing ground rules is the foundation and is vital for you and your teenager. This is really no different than the ones you set for their behavior when they were younger but you just need to be much much more consistent. However, they are growing up and the rules should change as they change.

When you begin to lay down these ground rules, make sure you and your teenager sit down and input is received from them so there is no misunderstanding from them and it is clear where the boundries are. Also, they will know what the punishment is for breaking or the rewards are for breaking or meeting the rules. You need to make it very very clear that these rules are to be met or there will be consequences and there will be "no" exceptions. Consistency is the key so as your teenager respects your rules and adheres to them. Everything else can be negotiated.

It is always difficult to know when to "let go" as a parent, especially when you are concerned whether your teenager is capable of coping with new experiences. My son was, until the last few years, very leery of new experiences. That is all part of the ADHD. ADHD children have a tendency to really fear anything new and when they are young suffer from separation anxiety but they usually will grow out of that as they mature into teenage years.

You and your teenagers need to sit down and talk this through and go over what your expectations are for what it is they want to do and then work out a schedule and if they meet your expectations, you can begin to allow them more and more independence. For example, if they forget to come home at the allotted time, you just need to take a step back, and go to the previous agreed step.

One important thing for any parent though, you should "always, always, always" know where your teenagers is, what they are doing, who they are with and when they are expected home!

ADHD teenagers are more easily influenced by peer pressure and fall into influences such as drinking, drugs and anti-social behavior and are more likely to be in accidents like car crashes.

By knowing the answers to the questions above, you can remove most of the risks attached to the problems associated with ADHD and your teenagers. Also, you will be more likely be able to communicate with your teenager which is critical at this point in their lives. In these days, social pressure is extreme for teenagers. I know with my teenage twins, I hear every day what they have to contend with and it absolutely blows my mind as well as breaks my heart.

Keeping those lines of communication open so they feel they can come to you is very important so they can talk to you about any issues they may have. Anxiety and depression are very common in ADHD teens as they struggle to fit in with their peers at school.

You as parents need to stay positive! Your ADHD teenager will feed off your positive energy. Believe me, I know that all too well. They need to know that you believe in them. Find ways to support and reward them when you see they have truely accomplished something for you will find they will work ten times harder when they see that you acknowledge their hard work and efforts. Individuals with ADHD really struggle with self-esteem issues and need that unconditional support of family and friends to drive them and continue to motivate them to do well.

Parenting an ADHD teenager is an extremely difficult task but I am here to tell you that it can be done. My son has turned out okay and yours will too. Good luck and I hope what I have said has gone a long way in helping you and yours.

Secrets of Highly Successful Parents

2007-05-26T13:14:00.000-05:00

Communicating with Your Teenager

2007-05-26T12:24:00.000-05:00

Communication is the single most important aspect of parenting a teenager.

We can give them compassion, understanding and support. We can listen listen to what they have to say and to their opinions. We can also can also discuss situations in a calm and peaceful way so that they don't feel threatened and feel they are in a loving and supportive aptmosphere and environment to express whatever is on their minds.

On the other hand, we can express our anger with them when they have gone against our rules and have done things that we don't approve of or have made us angry or have made us disappointed in them. It is how we handle that anger that becomes key in that relationship with our teenagers as parents. Screaming and yelling does "not" accomplish absolutely anything.

The way we respond to and react to our teenagers will determine whether or not our teenagers will come back to us when they feel the need to share a concern or
come to us for answer or advice or answers the next time.

Believe me they will let you know when they are disappointed. They might even be insulted by the way the discussion is going or how they are being treated. They will not tell you directly but by phrases such as:

"You just don't understand" or "Whatever you say" before walking away from you.

What these phrases really imply:

-They think they have absolutely no input in matters that concern their daily activities
-They feel you are treating them like a child by not giving them a chance to state any of their thoughts on the subject at hand
-You are just not listening to them at all

Take a quick inventory of what was said and ask yourself where you cut your teenager off or out – or stopped listening to their side of the story. Comments like these are a Huge Stop sign!

If you cannot remember where you cut your teenager off then maybe you should ask them.

Here is an example:

One day your teenager comes home from school and tells you that one of their friends started to smoke.

You can either tell your teenager that he better not be smoking, and that if you ever catch them you will punish them one way or another.

Your teenager’s response in this case is going to be something like:”Sure, mom,” and they will turn and walk away.

Now you wonder if they are planning to take up smoking and worry about it. Your teenager is frustrated because you treated them like a child by lecturing instead of listening.

These events will lead to a stressed relationship, constant confrontation, and total frustration for you as well as your teenager.

On the other hand, you could find out what they are thinking and how they see the situation.

If your teenager approaches you with a story or lets you know about something a friend is doing, you can be assured that they have an opinion about the particular situation.

Take advantage of the opportunity to discover your teenager’s values, thoughts, and opinions. Give your teen the message that you are interested in their opinion and want to hear it.

They will be less hesitant to approach you the next time around, eager to talk about whatever is on their mind, discuss it with you and thus draw on your knowledge.

Before getting angry, consider that your teen may have come to you about the “friend smoking” situation -

-to talk about how disappointed they are in their friend
-how angry they are with their friend because they knows that smoking is unhealthy
-Your teen may want, or more importantly may need you to tell them how proud you are of their choice not to smoke.

That First Summer Job: How to Help Your Teen Get It and Make the Most of It

2007-05-25T12:53:00.000-05:00

My twins just recently started their job hunt for their summer jobs. My daughter Ashley went for a pizza parlor and ice cream job and her twin brother is taking a lifeguard training class to lifeguard at our local fitness club for the summer and to work into a part time job during the school next year if he keeps his grades up. So, I thought I would do a post on just this subject and incorporate some other research I found as well to hopefully help other parents help their teenagers in this regard. The information is as follows:

Each year, hundreds of teens look into and apply for their first summer job. Between the new responsibilities, the sense of increased maturity and the thrill of a paycheck, getting that first job can be an exhilarating experience.

But before your teen-ager plans how he or she is going to spend the first two months worth of paychecks, there are some things both of you should consider:
• What kind of job does he or she want?

• Does he want it to be a seasonal job or something he can continue through school?

• Where should she look for the job? Will transportation be an issue?
• How does she apply for the job and what can you both expect?
• How much will he be making and what plans should he make for that money?

The questions can go on and on. However, probably the first question that both parents and kids should answer when looking for a first job is: Are they old enough to even start applying? Familiarize yourself with your state’s laws regarding age and employment.

The Job Hunt

How do teens decide where they want to work?

One way to get started is to have your teen think about his or her favorite subjects in school and consider jobs related to them, advises Susan Ireland, author of the Complete Idiot’s Guide to Cool Jobs for Teens. "If you really like math, then maybe being a cashier is a good idea; or if computers are really your thing, then maybe you could get an internship or some kind of position working with computers," she says.

Another option for young job seekers is a career fair. Many cities, community centers or neighborhood associations hold summer job fairs for youth in late spring or early summer.

The Internet is another resource for finding a summer job. More and more companies are utilizing the Internet as their exclusive means of posting jobs, getting applications and screening candidates.

Some specific enterprises that often employ teens include:

• Fast food restaurants
• Movie theaters
• Theme parks
• Landscaping companies
• Warehouses
• Some retail stores

The Right Approach

Once your teen decides what type of job is the right one for him, when should he start approaching possible employers? And just how should they go about doing that?

The earlier your teen can get started on the summer job search, the better. Encourage your teen to start looking for summer work in midspring if possible. Most employers do not want to start the hiring process in June, since they want their employees to come right out of school and go right to work.

When approaching a potential employer about a job, timing is everything. Try to avoid visiting an establishment during busy hours when asking about employment opportunities. You want your son or daughter to make an impression on a potential employer as an active job seeker, not as the annoying person that bothered him or her during the lunch rush.

When possible, have your teen should stop by to pick up an application, take it home, fill it out and then approach the employer with the completed application. This way, he can hand the employer the application and ask if he or she has a few minutes to discuss it. And since it’s very rare for an employer to hire someone during initial contact, follow-up can be crucial. An employer is much more likely to hire a teen who calls back in a few days to check in, versus a teen who just waits around for a phone call.

Before approaching an employer about a job, Ireland says, teens should make sure they’re presentable: "Just take a quick look at yourself and think ‘What if the manager’s there and he wants to talk to me right now - do I look OK? Am I presentable?’"

Be Prepared

Appearance is also just as important when it comes to the job interview. An employer might call a potential employee in for an interview after reviewing his or her application. Whatever the employer says, it’s always a good idea to go in dressed for an interview - khaki or dark pants/skirt, golf or button-up shirt, nice shoes, etc. It’s crucial to make a good first impression.

Being prepared for the types of questions a possible employer may ask is just as important as looking presentable. Being prepared with key points to make will help to lessen the stress of the interview. Parents can assist their teens by helping them anticipate possible questions and urging them to write out their answers. Young job applicants should expect such questions as:

• What can you tell me about yourself?
• What are your strengths and weaknesses?
• Have you ever been employed before? If so, what was your last job?
• Why should I hire you instead of someone else?

While teens should have answers prepared for these questions, they should also be ready to ask some questions of their interviewer as well. It’s a good idea to have one to three questions prepared in advance. Asking how the interviewer became involved in the company or what kind of skills are necessary to advance in the company shows the interviewer that the youth is interested and proactive.

Pay Day

Once your teen has found the job he wants and has aced the interview, what should he expect in terms of pay and benefits?

Youths looking for their first job should be prepared to earn minimum wage, according to youth employment counselors. Yet, many employers pay more than that. When it comes to answering questions about pay, employment counselors recommend that teens state that their wage requirements are "negotiable."

As far as benefits are concerned, teens are typically not offered benefits because they will be part-time and/or temporary employees. However, some employers do offer perks (especially retail stores), such as employee discounts on merchandise.

Once your teen begins bringing home a paycheck, you can help him or her understand what it means to earn money and how to manage it.

"Parents have a lot of influence," Ireland says. She suggests helping teens understand the impact of taxes and other withholdings and how to prioritize how the money will be spent, so expectations on earnings won’t be disappointing.

She advises teens to make two lists: one of items they have to spend their money on, such as car payments and school books, and a second list of things they would like to spend leftover money on, such as going to the movies with friends.

Working During the School Year

What if your teen wants to continue his or her summer job through the school year? How can you make sure that’s the right decision?
Obviously, the most important thing is to avoid taking on too much, Ireland says. "Take a part-time job for fewer hours than you think you can handle, then expand it if you’re doing OK with it. This way you won’t find yourself falling asleep in class and then saying, ‘Well, I’d better cut back on work’ because by that time your grades will have already dropped."

Remember, while the skills youths learn at jobs are certainly important, education is vital to their future success. It’s up to parents to help their teens keep their grades on track and not let work become an obstacle to education.

Safety on the Job

Job safety regulations is another area that parents should be familiar with as far as what ages are allowed to do certain things in a work environment. Familiarize yourself with the laws and be aware of the safety measures that are required so you and your teen can hold the employer accountable for those laws.
For example, youths under the age of 16 are not allowed to clean, wash or polish cars, work on ladders or load and unload trucks. And there are other laws for youths under 18 restricting them from working in roofing or mining, handling or applying pesticides, or being exposed to alcoholic beverages.

Because some of today’s parents may have done these things when they were 14 or 15 years old, it may seem strange for them to take those things into consideration.

Parents can look up information on wages and hours regulations through the U.S. Department of Labor’s Web site, www.dol.gov.

Getting Involved

In addition to knowing the laws, there are other things parents can do to help their teens starting their first job. Setting an example when it comes to attitude about work is key, says Ireland. "Be careful to give a balance in conversation with the family about what work means in your life - that there’s a balance between their work and personal life - and that work can really be enjoyable," she says.

Parents should be sure to know their teen’s schedule and where he or she is working. Ask how the job is going. If your teen seems stressed out at work, recommend a different job or fewer hours. If your teen’s school work goes from A’s and B’s to C’s and D’s, he could probably use some assistance in time management. If that doesn’t work, a recommendation to just work during school vacations might be in order.

And on the other hand, parents may also find it easier to talk to their teens now that they have a job and they share a common link. "Tell me about your day at work" can be an effective statement to get teens to talk.

Your Teens's First Job Search

2007-05-25T12:49:00.000-05:00

Terrie Lynn Bittner

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Are Parents Giving Teens Their Information On Sex?

2007-05-24T00:15:00.000-05:00

Although teens and parents may communicate cooperatively about certain topics, if you were to ask a group of 13-18 year-olds the question, "Do you discuss sex openly with your parents?" You may be surprised at the low number of "yes" answers you hear.

Teens mean different things when they say they talk openly about sex with their parents. One definition of open communication is whether teens have conversations (rather than get lectured) with their parents about contraception, sexual behavior, and sexually transmitted infections/diseases (STIs/STDs). Only half (50%) of American teens have this type of conversation with their parents. Forty percent of teens claim they talk with their parents about sex on a regular basis. This may be because parents of today's teens grew up during the sexual revolution, a time when teen sexual activity was much higher than that of generations before. Parents who grew up during the sexual revolution of the late 1960s through 1970s may be better able to communicate about sex based on their own values and past experience than they could have with their own parents who grew up before the sexual revolution.

Still, there's the 50-60% of teens who don't discuss sex with their parents. If these teens are not talking with their parents about sex, then who are they talking to? Sex education should not just be the responsibility of schools, communities, or the media. Middle schoolers (6th to 8th graders) want to learn more factual information in their sex education classes - as well as practical advice on how to apply the information they've learned. Most parents (95% in a study of 4,000 parents of school-aged youth) agree that responsibility for sex education should be shared by the school and the home. Because school and community values may differ, the best sexual health education begins at home. There are many benefits to parents and teens discussing sex:

Parents can communicate their own values on sexuality with their teens.Parents can better understand their teens perspective.Parents can tailor the information they share based on their understanding of their teenagers stage of development, life experience, personality, and knowledge level.

Barriers to Parent/Adult-Teen Communication about Sex

So, how do we explain the other half of teens who don't talk openly about sex with their parents? The main reason teens and parents or adults don't discuss sex is embarrassment. Another reason is that parents think teens are more informed about sex than they actually are--and may even think that their teens know more about sex than they, as parents, do! Although teens tend to feel confident in what they know about sex, when tested, their actual knowledge is low. Adolescents want to be treated as adults, but may feel talked down to when discussing sex with parents or other adults. Teens may not talk about sex with their parents because they see parents as close-minded, uncompassionate, or not clued in to the problems todays teens face.

Which Parents Talk with Teens the Most?

Mothers are usually the ones who talk about sex with their teens and they tend to be "in charge" of these conversations - especially when they are communicating with their sons. The most interactive conversations, however, take place between mothers and daughters. Teens are likely to disconnect when a parent or adult dominates the conversation because they feel overpowered. When teens disconnect from a conversation, they may withdraw from further discussions with their parents about sex. This communication gap reduces the number of parent-teen conversations about sex and may hurt the teen's knowledge of critical sexual health issues.

The SolutionBased on the limitations of adult-teen communication about sexual health, it is important to encourage positive communication between teens and adults in this area. Effective sexual health education programs for parents promote the following communication styles between parents and teens:-having two-way conversations.
-using open-ended questions. (For example, "Tell me more about that...")
-having thorough discussions of dating and sexuality, including examples that represent parents moral values.
-showing empathy and reducing judgment.Teens whose parents and other trusted adults practice the above communication styles, are more likely to:-feel and act comfortable when discussing sensitive sexual matters with parents and others.
-seek out birth control and contraception, if they decide to be sexually active.In addition, parent-school partnerships in sexual health education (for example assigning homework activities for youth to discuss sexuality issues with parents) are an effective means of preventing sexual risk behaviors and opening the lines of parent-teen communication. School-based sex education involving communication "homework" with parents was shown to contribute to the following:-reducing early teens intentions to have sex before completing high school. -increasing teens ability to refuse high-risk sexual behaviors. -decreasing discomfort in parent-child communication about sex.Advice for Parents and Sexual Health EducatorsUltimately, educating teens about sexuality needs to be a balance between what teens want to learn about and what we as adults feel they need to know to develop into healthy adults. Ways in which adults and parents can effectively communicate with and educate adolescents about sex:-encouraging open communication (speaking directly to teen).
-using accurate yet simple names for body parts, sexual behaviors, and feelings.
-using conversational skills such as open-ended questions, being nonjudgmental, disagreeing respectfully, making suggestions rather than directives ("you should").
-listening and speaking reflectively ("I messages", active listening, and turn-taking).
-keeping the communication going over time - not having "the (one and only) sex talk."
-gently, but clearly, communicating parental values and moral expectations relating to sexual behavior.
-applying experiential learning to sexual health education (for example, (1) having youth list different sexual behaviors they have heard of, (2) guiding them to come up with examples of social/emotional, physical consequences and/or degree of life impact for each, and (3) asking them to come up with preventative solutions to these problems or consequences)
-encouraging teens to talk with adults they trust about sexuality.
-watching for danger signs such as sexual and other risk behaviors (unprotected sex, potentially harmful sexual relationships, depression, anxiety, self-mutilation behaviors)
-understanding that sexuality is a confusing topic teens face while struggling to understand themselves. Try to avoid stereotyping by gender or sexual orientation which could hurt teens developing sexual identities.Overall, keep in mind that communicating effectively about sexuality with adolescents has important, positive long term benefits - those which promote teens physical, social, emotional and mental health.

Parenting in Buying Safe Cars For Your Teenagers

2007-05-23T08:49:00.000-05:00

One of the scariest things you’ll ever do is hand over a set of car keys to your teenager.

Teenagers have the worst driving records on the road, according to the Insurance Institute for Highway Safety. About a hundred teenagers die every week in car accidents: two out of three of them are males. Teens make up 7% of the drivers but are involved in 14% of car accidents. Sixteen-year-old drivers, the youngest and most inexperienced, have the most accidents of any age group.

Naturally, you want to do everything you can to make your teen’s driving experience as safe as possible. Your instinct may be to protect her by getting the biggest heaviest meanest car on the road. However, research indicates a better choice might be a low profile, four-door passenger car of medium size with great reliability ratings, up-to-date safety features and good performance on crash tests.

Performance. There is a saying that a middle-aged man should never buy his teen the sports car he always wanted himself. Buy the hot car for yourself and buy the sedate, middle-aged person’s car for your teen.

Teens speed more than other drivers do – they are 22 times more likely to get speeding tickets than people over 35 years. You don’t want to encourage this kind of driving with a car that accelerates too fast or is equipped with turbo charging. If you buy your teen an expensive sports car, you will probably pay at least $5000 a year for insurance.

In general, you want a car with good acceleration: nothing less than 0 to 60 in 11 seconds, but nothing more than 0 to 60 in 8 seconds.

Crash Safety. Many parents buy their teenagers the heaviest vehicles on the road, because they believe the extra weight will save them in a crash. It is true that heavy vehicles perform better during crash tests and have better traction. However, your child will have a harder time learning to drive that kind of vehicle and a harder time maneuvering it in emergencies. If your teen overcorrects during an emergency or steers too abruptly to avoid hitting something, her SUV will tip over. The smaller SUVs are the most likely to roll over. You want something with a low center of gravity that handles easily.

Many of the cars made in the last decade are built to crumble around a frame during crashes – the cars total, but the driver and passengers survive. This feature allows a mid-size car to perform just as well on crash tests as the bigger vehicles. You also want a vehicle with air bags, and if possible, the latest technology such as those with side and head protection and multi-stage advanced front airbags. A smaller vehicle with airbags and good crash test performance can actually be safer than a heavy SUV.

Before you buy any car, check out its performance in crash tests at the federal government’s website http://www.nhtsa.dot.gov/cars/testing/ncap/. This website rates all vehicles with a star system.

Reliability. Your teen does not have the experience to deal with emergencies such as overheating radiators, broken drive belts, and brakes that suddenly give out. He needs to drive the most reliable car you can afford. If you cannot afford a new car, you want a used car model with a proven record of reliability. One way to check this out is to buy a subscription to Consumer Reports online (it will cost you $5.00 a month, but you can subscribe month to month and cancel anytime). The Consumer Reports/automobiles website at http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/cars/index.htm allows you to search for a used car within your price range, and then check out the various models’ reliability based on reports from millions of people who owned them.

Once you make a list of models in your price range, you can search for ones available in your area at cars.com, http://www.cars.com/go/index.jsp. Then buy reports of the cars’ histories before you look at them. For $25, you can buy as many car history reports as you want. You can find out if any car was in a major accident or if it was owned by a variety of people – factors that might indicate the car is not reliable. If the previous owner was a car leasing service, the service probably maintained it properly. One site for car history reports is http://www.autocheck.com/?siteID=1311.

Safety Features. Your teen should have a cell phon in his car.

Besides air bags, you want your teen’s car to have anti-lock brakes, which keep the car from skidding on slippery surfaces. An average driver can actually stop more quickly and safely with an anti-lock brake system than a professional driver can without it.

Electronic stability control helps prevent skids, spins and rollovers. A Japanese study found that this feature reduces head-on crashes by 30 percent. This system has sensors that predict when the car is going out of control, so that automatic microprocessors can reduce engine speed and/or apply brakes to individual wheels.

Global Positioning Systems like On-Star can get help to your teen, especially in rural areas, by providing your teen’s exact location to emergency personnel. Help will get there faster than if she called 9-1-1 herself on her cell phone. If you can’t get such a service, buy a roadside assistance plan from an agency like the American Automobile Association.

For under $100 you can equip your teen’s car with an automatic jump start system that can get a dead battery going without needing help from strangers.

Recommended cars for teens. Timothy C. Smith’s book, Crashproof Your Kids (New York: Simon and Schuster, 2006) offers many tips for buying teenagers a car. See his website: http://www.crashproofyourkids.com/index.htm and Consumer Reports’ recommendations for specific makes and models for teens.

Some affordable used cars for teens that keep coming up on everyone’s lists are: Acura Integra, Toyota Corolla (1999 or later), Honda Civic EX and Honda Accord EX (1998 or later), Infiniti G20, Ford Focus (2002 or later), Subaru Forester 2.5X, Toyota Camry XLE (V6) and LE (4 cylinder), Mazda 3, Mazda Protégé (1999-2003), Nissan Altima 2.55 (4 cylinder, 2003 or later).

An Overview On Parenting Teens

2007-05-22T11:40:00.000-05:00

By Mike Selvon

Parenting teens is a tough aspect of parenting and represents for many parents the ultimate test. This is the time when the rubber hits the road as a parent, as all of the challenges that were merely child's play during infancy or during the toddler stage are not full blown battlegrounds. The ideologies of teenage life and parental wisdom seem destined to clash, making parenting teens a veritable nightmare for many parents.

Teen parenting differs from child parenting in many ways. Child parenting tends to focus on some of the more simplistic issues in life. Teaching kids to read, while not necessarily easy, is one example of a simpler issue in raising kids.

Once that child grows up into a teenager, however, his or her hormones take over and raising teens becomes a full-time job that calls back memories of earlier days of waking in the middle of the night and worrying constantly. While it is known that no parent stops worrying about his or her child, it is also known that the sense of worry for a parent is no greater than when parenting teens.

Learning about parenting skills is a great way to get in touch with some of the information needed for raising teens. Parenting teens can be tough enough without education or information, but learning about raising a teenager can help alleviate some of that difficulty.
As parents band together, they become more confident in the skills that they can exercise. When a parent is faced with complicated issues dealing with parenting teens, he or she can now face those issues with confidence and their newly learned skills.

Many teen raising magazines offer some great advice on parenting teens. This way of learning about raising teens is a great way to get connected with some expert advice and learn more about some of the fundamentals of raising teens.

Through the help of parenting magazines, many parents find that raising their teen becomes a whole lot easier and eliminates a lot of the natural stress. Others find comfortable networks of support within these magazines, enabling them to face each day with renewed confidence that prepares them for the challenges ahead.

Parenting teens can take a hefty price from the hearts and souls of many a parent. Spending the night pacing the floor waiting for headlights, or wondering what on earth the teen is up to are common events when it comes to raising teens. The energy it takes can seem unfathomable, but it simply must be gathered if raising teens is to take place with any degree of success.

Regardless of the method, the love of a parent for a teen is unquestionable. This love, however, is often not enough to deal with some of the hurdles that a teen can face in his or her life. Without a solid network of help and support, parenting teens becomes a complicated job that causes endless hours of stress and concern for even the hardiest of parent.

Many parents decide to "go it alone" and take on the responsibilities of raising a teen by themselves. Thankfully, many more parents charged with parenting teens learn that the hardest job in the world cannot be done without the help, education and assistance that can be found virtually anywhere.

Mike Selvon owns a number of niche portals. Please visit our teenage parenting portal for more great tips on parenting teens, and leave a comment at our teenage parenting blog.

ADHD Teens

2007-05-21T12:50:00.000-05:00

Most Americans will never have firsthand of grappling with a psychological disorder, though it does appear that psychological disorders are becoming more commonplace. For children with a psychological disorder, it can be especially difficult for them to acknowledge their disability. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is one of the most pervasive psychological disorders for children. An ADHD teen will display their symptoms in a variety of ways.

Three of the more common symptoms that an ADHD teen will display are hyperactivity, difficulty exhibiting impulse control, and physical unrest. An ADHD teen might, for example, twitch or shift restlessly during a long class lecture, interrupt a teacher’s question because they have a comment which they feel is of vital importance, or a penchant to ramble in a seemingly incoherent manner. Quite often, these behaviors are misinterpreted by family and faculty alike. They mistakenly believe that the ADHD teen is exceptionally self-centered or ill-mannered.

Thankfully, there are treatment options available to counteract these symptoms. One of the more common methods of treatment for the ADHD teen is medication. Since the disability is caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain, sufferers receive a prescription of stimulant medication to counteract this imbalance. Many parents fear the idea that their ADHD teen will have to take stimulant medications, but it is important for them to know that these medications are non-habit forming at their prescribed dosage.

Therapy is often used in conjunction with stimulant medication. An ADHD teen will explore his individual symptoms and the frustrations these symptoms can incite with their therapist. The therapist usually helps the sufferer develop small coping skills to deal with their disability such as making lists to stay organized and dividing large tasks into small portions.

Ten Signs Your Teenager is Burning Out

2007-05-20T09:57:00.000-05:00

Is your teenager burning out? Believe it or not, in this day and age, it is quite possible. High school, sports, extra curricular activities, friends, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships and family demand time and attentiveness from your teen. So much so, he could be experiencing signs of stress or worse - burnout.

Here are ten signs of burnout that you should be on the lookout for:

1. Your teenager is acting depressed. He doesn’t want to do anything, he has lost interest in things he likes to do, and he has decrease attention or effectiveness when doing things.

2. Your teenager is feeling some anxiety for no known reason or he acting is over anxious. He has the inability to relax, is not sleeping well, having nightmares, restless, etc.

3. Your teenager is suffering from insomnia. He is unable to get to sleep at night or he wakes up and is unable to go back to sleep.

4. Your teenager is either overeating or under eating, as both are a response to being stressed.

5. Your teenager is giving in to impulse behavior, more than normal, and is showing signs of emotional instability, more than normal.

6. Your teenager is experiencing neck or back pain.

7. Your teenage daughter is missing menstrual cycles.

8. Your teenager is complaining of stomachache, dizziness, dryness of throat and mouth.

9. Your teenager is acting ‘keyed up’, has emotional tension and alertness, and high-pitched voice or nervous laughter.

10. Increased risk taking behavior can be a sign of burnout. For example: smoking, drinking alcohol, experimenting with sex or drugs sometimes point to underlying problems such as burnout.

Are these headlines that describe YOUR teenager?

2007-05-19T22:46:00.000-05:00

Positive stories about teens rarely make it into the headlines. But, believe it or not, nine in 10 teens do not get into trouble. Do we hear about those in the news?!

Whether children are toddlers or teens, preparing for parenting challenges is tough! The difficulty with teens is that they are becoming much larger, much more verbal, and are able to fight battles more on an adult level. They may experiment with risk taking, and the stakes are higher than at any other developmental stage to this point. Teens do not turn into teens overnight. There are three phases of adolescence that include the teen years: pre-adolescence (age 9 to 13), middle adolescence (age 14 to 16) and late adolescence (age 17 to 20).

During pre-adolescence, children feel disorganized, and their growth is rapid and uneven. They are not quite adolescents yet because their sexual maturity has not fully completed, and they are often referred to as tweens, meaning between the stages of childhood and teen years. Children try to meet the expectations of both parents and friends. Parents of pre-adolescents may feel less ready to face the new challenges than when their children were younger. They may feel more worried about the number of dangerous situations and substances to which youth are exposed. Parents should meet this stage with warmth, fairness, and even a sense of humor.

During middle adolescence, children may go ballistic over a few extra pounds, hair that won't stay in place, or fair-weather friends. During this time, parents may take on more a role of counselor. The warmth, affection, and positive communication of a counselor, however, must be balanced with the teen's need to be independent and in charge. One researcher found that teens seek information from friends on social events, dating, joining clubs, and other social life aspects while they turn to their parents for information on education, career plans, and money matters.

During late adolescence, there are many decisions to be made. Teens are beginning to disengage, and they often prepare to leave home about the same time their parents are reflecting on their own lives and needs. At this time, authority with children is redefined and there is a gradual shift toward economic and emotional independence. A new adult-adult relationship must emerge.

Parenting is complex. Many factors affect outcomes in children. Personal resources, the characteristics of the child, and the stress or support parents get from school, family, and community all enter into the results. This fact sheet is a general guideline. Good kids don't suddenly go bad. Drug abuse, irresponsible and early sex, and teen opposition to authority are all preventable acts. To understand more about teens, let's start by dispelling some of the myths.

Myth One

Peer pressure is at its worst during adolescent and teen years.

Peer pressure is overrated, and it can be a positive force. Generally, adolescents choose friends with similar values and tastes to theirs; however, parents still retain the major influence over the child's life. Research shows that parents who monitor their children can help prevent a number of risky behaviors, including alcohol use, sexual activity, delinquency, and other misconduct. Monitoring also gives children the message that with increasing privileges comes increasing responsibilities.

STRATEGY--Parental monitoring.

Parental monitoring means establishing guidelines and limits for your child in order to keep track of what is going on in his or her social world. It means knowing:

where your kids are
who they are with
what kinds of activities have been planned
how they will get there and back again

Parental monitoring also means making expectations clear with the child about what to do in an emergency. But parental monitoring does not mean demanding obedience, attempting to control a child's choices and behavior, or imposing a parent's will on the child. While children may complain that parents "don't trust them" or that they are being unreasonable, there is security in knowing that parents care enough to ask.

Parents need to understand that monitoring is an important right and responsibility of parenting. If you wait until the teen years to begin monitoring it will feel too much like you are trying to control them.

Teens will turn the issue into a power struggle. So start monitoring children early in ways that are age appropriate. This will help children accept this as a part of life. Teenagers need increasing freedom to begin their road to independence and they need parents who monitor their behavior in a respectful and appropriate way. Starting early may be the best strategy, but it is never too late to begin. Since you cannot always be around to monitor children, family rules will help parents monitor their children when they are out of sight. A phone call to a parent at home or at work at an agreed-upon time or when plans change will help parents know where their children are. If the parent is not available by phone, a neighbor or relative can serve as the connection.

Myth Two

Teens prefer their friends to their parents.

As children begin school they spend less time with parents, and their friends become more important. Youth begin to create their own identity through what they do, where they go, and who they know. Often teens with low self-esteem or high anxiety will seek a "quick fix" of approval from a peer group. However, if children have been given strategies early in life to deal with tough decisions, they will be able to face these tests with good results.

Early in life, children should be given smaller decisions to make (which shirt to wear, which game to play, how to arrange their room). Children who have been allowed to experiment with and learn that decisions have consequences are better able as teens to make tougher decisions! Parents who always TELL their children what to do and control their behavior with no choice by the child are preparing their children to listen to others without ever developing an inner voice to guide them for a lifetime.

STRATEGY--Stay involved and connected.

Talk and listen to your children. Know their friends, their school experience, and what their world is like. Parents busy with work and children busy with school activities have very little time to interact. That's why it takes special effort. Here are some suggestions for connecting with your child:

Be a sounding board. Make it clear that you are willing to listen.
Use everyday family activities to stay close. Making dinner, running errands, taking a walk can all be turned into quality family time.
Build in extra time to "check-in" at bedtime. Do not assume your child has outgrown this important bedtime ritual.
Use notes, bulletin boards, and even e-mail to communicate with each other.
Get to know your child's friends by inviting them to your home and on family outings.

Myth Three

My teen won't talk to me. I can't get him or her to open up.

Teenagers like to talk. But they must have a willing listener. If simply asked, "How was your day?" by a parent who listens only halfway and responds "uh huh," teens will begin to seek more willing listeners. If all that is said is "clean your room," or "look at me when I am talking to you!" then teens will begin to tune out. There must be a balance between routine chatter and deeper talk. When psychologist Torey Hayden asked several hundred teens what they wished they could talk with their parents about, they named:

Family matters -- Vacations, decisions, rules, curfews, serious illness, money problems.
Controversial issues-- Sex, lifestyles, drugs.
Emotional issues-- Parents' feelings about them and other things.
Big whys--Why do people go hungry? Why is there war? Other philosophical issues.
The future--Work, college, making plans for their life beyond the current home.
Current affairs--World and community happenings.
Personal interest--Sports, hobbies, friends.
Parents themselves--What were parents like at their age, stories that show parents are real.

Myth Four

If I don't get control of my child now, I may be sorry later.

Depending on the level of previous interaction with your child (see Myth Two), this may be true. But CONTROL may not be the right term. Instead, it is critical to seek a balance between parental control and teen control, realizing that teens are expanding their independence and freedom. Youth are exposed to many more freedoms today than when their parents were young. There is more unsupervised time with parents working. There is greater access to information via television and the Internet than ever before. Parents have a complex job being a filter to these influences.

STRATEGY--Listen and reflect.

Listen to your child's request. Evaluate the request based on their maturity and ability to manage decisions. Quickly saying "No!" at each request and not listening for more details will create problems. Hear out their request and see if there is a reason behind it. For example, if a 13-year-old wants to sleep at a friend's house on a school night, which is generally not allowed, find out if there is a reason that concerns homework, school activities, or other arguments before flatly saying no. Of course having consistent limits is important as well. Encourage teens to develop a sound argument. Encourage them to tell the difference between what they want and what they need. This is good practice for them and allows a more extensive and less emotional discussion. Then listen and consider what was said before responding.

STRATEGY--Set clear, reasonable limits.

A teen who says, "You are the most strict parents. I wish I had Alex's parents," is a teen who has limits. Respect your teen's point of view and be willing to discuss rules. This happens best when the argument has not become heated. Take a break before continuing by saying, "Let's take about 10 minutes to cool down, then we will discuss this together." This will allow both of you to consider what you will say and will take some of the heat out of the argument. Parents and other adults must understand the importance of eliminating emotion from the discussion and leave personality out of the discussion. Many teens will argue for the sake of arguing. Arguing gives them practice in defending their position and can be a constructive learning technique. Involving the teen in the decision does not take away a parent's power, but helps to create a balance of power and control. Allowing teens to have some control in this way lets them know they are important and valued and CAN indeed work with you through important life decisions.

Myth Five

Teens are moody, rebellious, and never serious.

Instead of believing the worst, look at the positive aspects of teen years. Teens are curious, imaginative, and have many new ideas about the world. This stage is a time of remarkable social and mental growth. There are certainly many physical changes during this time, but the effects of these changes depend on the social, personality, and temperament factors of the child. Adolescents are now capable of complex reasoning and thinking. Given guided practice, youth can make thoughtful decisions.

STRATEGY--Look for the positive aspects of budding development while modeling what you want.

Youth are interested in information about relationships, and yes--even their bodies. If parents are not willing to provide it, other sources such as television, the Internet, or friends will fill in. Youth are interested in exploring the unknown. Be willing to talk, answer questions, and help them join acceptable community activity groups. Teens are ready to "try on" adult behaviors. Be a positive model from early ages. Stay connected to their friends and know where they go when you are not with them. When it comes to influencing youth, the things parents say may not be as important as the things parents do. If parents expect children to let them know where they are going, when they will be home, and how they can be reached, parents need to model this behavior by providing this same information to their children. If parents want their children not to use foul language or to have good manners, then parents should model good manners and acceptable wording with their children and with adults.

Myth Six

Teens don't care about others.

To develop a caring teen, we must also model and practice CARING through caring talk and confirmation.

- Modeling: Modeling is acting the way you want your teens to act. Teens mirror the behavior back to us.

- Caring talk is the chance to question WHY. It connects us to each other. Using open-ended questions (What do you think about...? Why do you think they acted that way? How could we figure this out?) is good practice in understanding and listening to others.

- Confirmation: Confirmation is verifying someone's worth. It involves naming something admirable in the teen and encouraging the development of that trait.

- Building trust is a process. Continuing trust is critical to not misusing what has been shared.

- Practice caring for others through caring talk, finding the best in others, and building the relationship.

These caring traits are a basis for good moral development and caring behaviors toward siblings, friends, and parents.

Summary

The most effective parents set high standards and are demanding but wrap this approach with warmth, love, and involvement. Some parents say:

"I don't have time."

They are not as cute and cuddly as when they were younger."

"I don't have any problems out of my younger children."

"I don't like the person he is becoming."

Each of these arguments can be met with effective strategies and a little understanding:

Schedule time. Studies show teens want to spend more time--not less--with their families. Put your heart into it.
Accept this stage by making your expectations known. Granted, children grow larger with age, and they may develop acne and experiment with their hairstyle and clothing. But pick the biggest arguments and let some things be a part of the teenager's learning process.
Take care not to exclude your teen because he/she is becoming independent while younger children are still more dependent. Their needs just differ. They both need attention--but in different ways.
Accept your teen as an individual. Children often model what they are exposed to. The traits we least like in ourselves often are mirrored through our children. Recognize this and address it in yourself and in conversations with your teen. Parents can't simply create the child, but they can guide and love them for who they are.

Organizations That Can Help Parents & Teens:

2007-05-18T11:56:00.000-05:00

ADOL: Adolescent Directory Online
http://education.indiana.edu/cas/adol/adol.html

Adolescence Directory On-Line (ADOL) is an electronic guide to information on adolescent issues. It is a service of the Center for Adolescent Studies at Indiana University. Educators, counselors, parents, researchers, health practitioners, and teens can use ADOL to find Web resources for a number topics.

Kid Power
http://www.fullpower.org/Library.html#Anchor-6296

Kid Power is part of FULLPOWER International, which is a nonprofit organization teaching violence deterrence, self-protection, confidence, building skills, and full force self-defense to people of all ages. Workshops are offered for children ages 4-18 and their parents.

The National Campaign To Prevent Teen Pregnancy
http://www.fullpower.org/Library.html#Anchor-6296

Provides useful information and tips for parents and teens on the problem of teen pregnancy and how to prevent it.

10 Ways to Send a Clear Message to Your Teenager

2007-05-17T05:25:00.000-05:00

A sure-fire way of inviting problems into your relationship with your teenager is by sending mixed or unclear messages. Clear communication is an absolute must if you want to have a bonding relationship with your teenager. It helps build a foundation of trust, fosters a healthy self-esteem, encourages positive behavior, and helps tone down frustration and stress in the family.

While many parents feel it is close to impossible to have a conversation with their teenager, there are ways. Your child really isn't becoming a new special breed of alien. They're just growing up and they still do want to connect with you. Try these tips to get, and keep, the conversation rolling in your home:

1. Use your active listening skills and watch out for those door slammers.

2. Talk often with your teen to bring out positive opinions, ideas, and behaviors by using an affirmative tone and body language.

3. Treat your teenager with the same respect you would have them treat you. Say 'hi', 'I love you', 'how was your day', etc.

4. Your tone of voice is extremely important. Yelling simply doesn't work. The loud noise will shut down the listener (your teen) and you will not get through. If you feel the need to yell, 'time out' of the conversation until you have better control.

5. Be precise and detailed about what you expect. Write it down and use an Action Plan if you feel there is a need.

6. If you're giving your teenager instructions, write them down. It's a fail-safe for teens and adults. This way they will remember what they are expected to do and you can feel sure that you 'told' them correctly. Remember, to-do lists will keep you stress free.

7. Do things together one-on-one and with the whole family. Good times often bring about great conversations, and wonderful memories.

8. 'Do as I say, not as I do' doesn't work. Modeling is the best way of learning. You are your teenager's model and they will emulate your behaviors.

9. Never shut your teen out to show that you disapprove of their behavior. If you need time before you can talk to them about something that has upset you, tell them that you need time. Don't walk away silent.

10. "Because I said so" actually works when you are being pulled into a power struggle in discipline situations. You are the parent, and because of this, you do have the final say. Teenagers know this and trust you because of it. But do try to explain your reasoning whenever possible.

Parents, Teens, and Peer Pressure

2007-05-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

It's something most parents don't want to hear, but the sad fact is that the most influential people in your teen's life are their friends. Most parents like to think that they have some say in what their teenage child does, but the truth is that most parents sorely underestimate the power of peer pressure.

Peer pressure can turn a perfectly level headed child into class-cutting, insolent, problem child. Why is this? Well, several reasons. First teens are not children, and they're not adults so you can't use either form of psychology on them. A teens body is under the powerful thrall of hormones. You're not dealing with a rational person. Hormones are powerful chemicals, and they are telling your teen to exert their independence at all costs--and they do.

You'll find that once puberty hits, whatever unresolved family problems lying just under the surface will rear their heads and be magnified a thousand times. Resentments about past hurts and difficulties will show themselves in numerous, albeit, destructive ways. For example, when you missed out on an important event in their life as a child, a temper tantrum may have consisted of a crying spell and a slammed door.

That same scenario played out in the teen years may consist of partying with friends, sex, and/or drug use. It all depends on the social network your child is associating with. High school can be a tough world. Learning to cope, manage emotions, and come out of it with any self esteem is a monumental task.

Despite their efforts to appear nonchalant, teens are psychologically fragile. Peer related stress can come in the form of vicious gossip, getting bullied or teased, or knowing that friends are participating in dangerous things like alcohol, drugs, or other risky behaviors.

Stress can also come from not joining the 'in crowd' and fear of rejection. Does your child have the tools to emotionally cope with these daily battles? Are you equipped to help them deal with conflicts, cliques, and drugs?

To complicate matters, teens have their own language. Do you know what 'bud'? is? No, it's not a beer. Do you like your teen's friends? Do you know who they are? What are they doing online? Does your teen spend time on sites like Facebook or MySpace? These are just a few questions you should know the answers to.

It is your responsibility as a parent to pull your teen back from the edge. Learn to recognize signs of stress and show them healthy ways to deal with it. Also, be a good example. Don't yell and scream unless you want them to do the same. You've guided them up to this point, don't stop now. In addition to emotionally connecting with your child and being alert to signs of stress, drug testing at home is one tool you can place in our arsenal.

2007-05-09T11:03:00.001-05:00

Getting Inside Your Christian Teens Head

2007-05-09T10:47:00.000-05:00

Understanding Your Teen's Behavior

Your baby is now a teenager, going through all of the teenage rites of passage. Between school, friends, God, and a social life, their lives seem to be a foreign country to you. The little boy or girl that once told you everything now has to be hounded to give you even a snippet of thought. Yet there are three things you should know about what is going on in your Christian teen's head that will make your relationship a little better…

Your Teen Can His or Her Make Decisions

Many parents have a hard time letting their children grow up. Parents still think they need to make all the decisions and they worry incessantly that their children will make mistakes. However, mistakes are part of everyone's lives. We have all made them from time to time.

It's important for you to know that your teenager doesn't want to make mistakes, but he or she does want to make decisions. It's important that you tell your teen what you think, but also to know where to set limits. If it is not a life-altering decision, then you may just say that you think something will be a mistake and why. If it is life-altering, then maybe you do need to take the wheel. Just make sure your teen understand the reasoning behind your decisions. As a teenager, he or she is old enough to understand the complexity of decisions and "Because I said so" is no longer an acceptable answer.

It is important that you discuss certain things with your teenager. Yet it is also important to give him or her some control over choices. Your teen will thank you.

Your Teenager Wants Privacy

Privacy is a huge deal to teens. If there is one thing that teens say annoys them about their parents it is the invasion of privacy. Your teenager has his or her own relationships, lifestyle, and thoughts. Sometimes they prefer to be alone with those thoughts. Sometimes they prefer to be alone with those friends. Sometimes they like to be on their own at church.

There is a point when you need to let your teenager have his or her own life. Your teen just doesn't want to go everywhere with you anymore. It is a harsh reality for many parents. Yet, it is okay to ask about where your teen is going and who is going with him or her. That is setting limits and boundaries.

Privacy is also difficult today with the dangers of the Internet. Banning the Internet from your home is not necessarily the best solution. Instead, your teen needs to surrender passwords and usernames so you can supervise. While your teen may desire privacy, it is important that he or she understand dangers and safety precautions in such a social setting. If your teen desires private talks with friends or to maintain a journal, suggest something that predators cannot access easily like the phone or a written journal.

Your Teenager Doesn't Hate You

Okay, your teen sulks and sometimes acts like he or she doesn't care about you or your feelings. Unfortunately that is the way that teens exert independence. Despite the Commandment to "Honor your father and your mother," (Deut. 5:16) many teens seem to do no such thing. Does that mean your child hates you? Not at all. Your teen is stuck in a limbo between childhood and adulthood, so you're not always going to know which "mode" he or she is in at any time. It causes friction and problems, but it does not stop your teen from loving you.

Your teen will talk a lot about respect, which is earned, not offered. It is important as a parent to set limits, but it is also important to offer freedoms as your child grows. Your teen probably wishes you could understand his or her needs better, and having some insight into what's going on in teenager's heads is important. Yet it does not mean that you stop being a parent, so let your child know a little about what's going on in your head, too.

Raising Teens With Good Manners

2007-05-09T09:53:00.000-05:00

Showing Proper Respect is Still Important Today
© Denise Oliveri
Mar 17, 2007

Teaching children good manners is as essential as teaching them to tie their shoes. It is a matter of showing respect for others and helping your child succeed in life.

The time to teach children good manners starts from the time they are old enough to understand simple commands and follow through with them. This is usually between the ages of 18 months and 2 years. In fact, studies have shown that teaching children good manners at an early age will help them develop a better sense of respect for others that will stick with them throughout their entire lives.

On the other hand, if you are interested in teaching your child good manners at an older age, that is just fine, too. Better to learn them later than not at all. Good manners are actions that show others respect. Good manners also help children succeed in life.

So, what are the good manners that children should know? They do not stop with the "please" and "thank you" phrases that are commonly taught. Those are very important, of course, but good manners include any actions that help a child display good behavior. Some include:

Table manners
Telephone manners
Writing Thank You notes
Introducing new people
Learning how to treat older people
Learning how to share

Here are some tips for teaching your child good manners:

1. Teach one thing at a time. You may have thoughts racing around in your head about what you want to teach your child, but give them time to process one social skill at a time. If you are teaching about good table manners, let your child get the hang of that before moving on to how to write proper thank you notes.

2. When teaching a skill, keep in mind that your child is learning something new and may not get the hang of it right away. Be ready for mistakes and instead of reprimanding for wrong actions, accept the fact that you may have to go over lessons until your child learns them well. Your patience will go a long way in making your child feel more comfortable with the skills he has been taught.

3. Remember to be a shining example to your child. If you are telling your child to say "thank you" when receiving a gift, and you do not do the same, you are sending a strong message that maybe manners are just for kids and they are not really all that important. No matter what age we are, adults deserve respect from each other, too. Your child is watching you.

4. If you need to correct your child for wrong actions, take them aside and quietly explain what they did wrong and how to fix the problem. Never embarrass your child in public or yell at them. This will make your child feel discouraged. Tell him what you want him do, instead of telling him what you don't want him to do. For instance, instead of saying, "Don't eat that cookie off the floor," you may try, "When something drops on the floor, you throw it away."

5. Of course, if your child has caught onto a particular social skill, praise them for it. Let them know that they have done a good job. This will make future lessons much easier and your child will be more open to go on. Besides, you should feel proud of your child when they have done something right!

6. When you know that you are heading into a situation where your child will need to use good manners, talk with them about it ahead of time. Explain some instances where they might need to be on their best behavior and what you would expect them to do. There is no need for surprises or pop quizzes. Help your child and this will help build their confidence.

If everyone used good manners, wouldn't the world be a better place? We can start with one child at a time!

Giving Your Teens the Gifts of Time and Attention

2007-05-08T16:25:00.000-05:00

Take an interest in their activities. Set aside time for them.

Time spent with teenagers is time well spent. Teens want and need your attention, just as much as smaller children. Research shows again and again that teens do not want your relationship with them to become distant. They just want it to change as they grow.1 In one survey, teens said that "not having enough time together" with their parents was their biggest issue of concern.2 Teens also said that they would prefer to spend extra time with their parents than doing anything else, and reported that spending time with their parents is one of their biggest priorities.

Spend some time alone with each of your teens. Try to set aside 15 minutes every day. Let them choose what you do together. Give them all your attention.

Show an interest in what your teen is doing. Go to their games, school functions, and performances. If you don't show up, they will be the first to notice.

Get to know your teens' friends.Take a group of teens to the movies, a game, the mall, or whatever. It shows your teens that they are important to you.

Make your home a place comfortable place. Make it a place where your teens and their friends feel they can hang out. Keep food in the house for them.

Look for opportunities to do something special together. They will feel that they are special to you. When tough issues come up, you will already have a trusting relationship.

Look for opportunities to do something special together. They will feel that they are special to you. When tough issues come up, you will already have a trusting relationship.

Eat meals together as a family. Eat together as often as you can. Turn off the TV. Try not to argue or bring up difficult subjects. Just talk and enjoy the time together.

Take a few minutes to talk with your teen at bedtime. Sit on their bed and talk about the day. It's a chance to catch up. It may be a time when they feel like talking.

Looking for simple things to do with your teen?

Go for a walk
Cook a special meal
Play a game
Share a book or a news story
Work on a project
Browse the Internet
Exercise Listen to music - try sharing your favorite CDs with each other
Bring your teen to work
Go to lunch; make it a regular date
Go to the mall
Go to the library
Go to a museum
Do chores together
Watch a movie and talk about it
Volunteer in the community
Go to a game, performance, or event
Go for a drive; take your teen somewhere special to you when you were a teen
Take a class - like cooking or martial arts
Go for a bike ride
Ask your teen what s/he wants to do and try it - even if it doesn't sound very fun to you
Just sit and talk

The New D.A.R.E. Program

2007-05-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

Substance Abuse and Violence Prevention
Inside the 21 st Century School House

The Drug Abuse Resistance Education (D.A.R.E.) program, the pioneer prevention effort founded in Los Angeles in 1983, is going high-tech, interactive, and decision-model-based. Gleaming with the latest in prevention science and teaching techniques, D.A.R.E. is reinventing itself as part of a major national research study that promises to help teachers and administrators cope with ever-evolving federal prevention program requirements and the thorny issues of school violence, budget cuts, and terrorism.

Gone is the old-style approach to prevention in which an officer stands behind a podium and lectures students in straight rows. New D.A.R.E. officers are trained as "coaches" to support kids who are using research-based refusal strategies in high-stakes peer-pressure environments. New D.A.R.E. students of 2004 are getting to see for themselves -- via stunning brain imagery -- tangible proof of how substances diminish mental activity, emotions, coordination and movement. Mock courtroom exercises are bringing home the social and legal consequences of drug use and violence.

Charlie Parsons
D.A.R.E. America President and Chief Executive Officer
"New D.A.R.E. is setting the gold standard for the future," says Charlie Parsons, President and Chief Executive Director of D.A.R.E. America, "Prevention inside the 21 st century school house will need to be effective, diverse, accountable, and mean more things to more people, particularly with the safety issues that have emerged since Columbine and terrorist alerts. That's one reason why every New D.A.R.E. officer is also being trained as a certified School Resource Officer (SRO)."
Click here for evaluations of the "new" D.A.R.E. program
The New D.A.R.E. curriculum is in its fourth year of a massive five-year national research effort funded by a grant from the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation. Under the direction of principal investigator, Dr. Zili Sloboda, the University of Akron's Adolescent Substance Abuse Prevention Study is a rigorous scientific evaluation of the New D.A.R.E. curricula designed to blend the latest in effective prevention science with the nation's largest prevention delivery network-D.A.R.E.

Dr. Zili Sloboda

Dr. Herb Kleber, internationally recognized substance abuse expert and Chairman of D.A.R.E. America's Scientific Advisory Board, praises the ambitious scope of the New D.A.R.E. curriculum study, "D.A.R.E has had the highest dissemination for decades of any school-based drug prevention program. It reaches 26 million children a year in 75 percent of all school districts and is admired by children and parents alike," says Kleber, "The generous support of the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation and the talent of the University of Akron group have made it possible to combine this acceptance with state-of-the-art- teaching and content to make D.A.R.E. not only the most popular, but the best."

With research showing that adolescents, in particular, need to be involved in the learning process, experts shifted the focus in the new D.A.R.E. curriculum to include officer-facilitated work, discussion groups, and role-playing sessions. "The resulting 'group dynamic' of New D.A.R.E. encourages kids to work together on assignments and think for themselves," says Dr. Sloboda, "New D.A.R.E. is about giving kids the skills and information they need to make good life choices."

Pill Parties

2007-05-07T12:54:00.000-05:00

Kick Off THINK.com (MADD and Nationwide)

2007-05-07T12:21:00.000-05:00

Parents, "Help Keep Your Teens Alcohol and Drug Free."

2007-05-07T10:57:00.000-05:00

As a parent or caregiver, you play a vital role in influencing your child's attitudes and behaviors. You serve as a role model on the use of alcohol, control the availability of alcohol in your home, and help set your child’s expectations concerning drinking behaviors. A recent study shows that children whose parents are involved in their lives — hold regular conversations, attend after-school events, and listen to their problems — are less likely to drink or smoke.

In this section you will find warning signs of a drinking problem, questions to ask yourself about your child and community, prevention strategies parents can take, and resources for effective parenting, which include both useful publications and helpful organizations. For additional information, see also Statistics, The Family and What You Can Do, The Home.

As a parent or caregiver, ask yourself these questions:

Do you know how to discuss alcohol use with your child and where to get helpful information?
Do you know your child’s friends, and do you feel that they provide positive influences on your child’s activities?

Do you know the legal consequences of underage drinking?

Do you know your State’s laws about providing alcohol to anyone under 21?

Prevention Strategies

Prevent underage alcohol access in the home. Learn about social host liability laws.

Regulate home delivery. Some jurisdictions may choose to forbid or restrict home delivery of alcohol to prevent unsupervised alcohol sales

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The above strategies appear in the Leadership to Keep Children Alcohol Free prevention booklet. For more information on science-based prevention strategies, click on Keep Kids Alcohol Free: Strategies for Action.

You may also want to review these Leadership publications for additional information:

How Does Alcohol Affect the World of a Child? is a statistical brochure for lay audiences which summarizes the most current research findings about early alcohol use and its effects. Available in English and Spanish. (The Leadership to Keep Children Alcohol Free initiative)

Make A Difference: Talk to Your Child About Alcohol, is a guide for parents and guardians of young people ages 10 to 14. It describes the problems associated with alcohol use among young people, as well as the way parents can talk with children about these issues. (National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism)
Additional Publications and Resources for Parents

Publications
National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism's (NIAAA) Initiative on Underage Drinking page lists free materials for use in local community efforts to prevent underage alcohol use. These include fact sheets and public service announcements for parents and youth.

Alcoholism: Getting the Facts is designed to help individuals and families answer questions about alcohol problems. It contains information on both alcoholism and alcohol use, the symptoms of each, when and where to seek help, treatment choices, and additional resources. It can be ordered from NIAAA: English version: NIH Publication Number 96-4153 (Revised 2001); Spanish version: NIH Publication Number 97-4153-S (Revised 2001).

Adolescent Directory Online, Center for Adolescent Studies, Indiana University is an electronic guide to information on adolescent issues, providing resources for parents, educators, researchers, health practitioners, and teens. The Health Risk for Adolescents Web page contains links to organizations and government agencies that provide guidance on the prevention and treatment of substance use.

All Stars: Stories from Parents: 7 Strategies for Successful Parenting is a CD produced by Tanglewood Research. Parents recount the challenges they faced when raising adolescents and tell how they applied these strategies.

College Drinking: Changing the Culture is an online resource center developed by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, in response to the increasingly complex issue of alcohol use among college students. The site's content is based on a series of reports published by the Task Force of the National Advisory Council on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism. In addition to the Task Force reports, the site includes frequently asked questions on alcohol abuse, college and university alcohol policies, and a special section for students.

A Family Guide To Keeping Youth Mentally Healthy and Drug Free offers adults who influence the lives of children ages 7 to 18 — including parents, foster parents, grandparents, extended family members, guardians, and mentors — suggestions for better communication with children, as well as other tips that aid in prevention.
Frequently Asked Questions on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (FAQs) includes information on how alcohol affects the body and suggestions on what to do if an individual or family member has an alcohol-related problem. It can be ordered from NIAAA: English version: NIH Publication Number 01-4735; Spanish version: NIH Publication Number 02-4735-S.

Girl Power! Tips for Parents About Alcohol, Tobacco, and Illicit Drugs focuses on communicating with girls ages 9-14, about the risks of alcohol use. The Girl Power! site also contains information on activities and programs for parents and their children. (Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, SAMHSA)

Hablemos en Confianza: Your Fountain of Resources is a bilingual public health Web site which offers advice for Hispanic/Latino parents on listening to and talking with children to improve communication, to discover parenting style, and to learn about alcohol, tobacco, and illicit drugs. (SAMHSA, Center for Substance Abuse Prevention)

Helping Your Children Navigate Their Teenage Years: A Guide for Parents provides parents with useful communication tips for talking to their teenagers on difficult issues such as alcohol use and helps parents identify warning signs of harmful behaviors. (White House Council on Youth Violence)

The Making the Link fact sheets contain current statistics on a variety of topics relating to underage drinking, including health issues, access to alcohol, and public opinion. They were prepared by the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration/Center for Substance Abuse Prevention to support the Leadership to Keep Children Alcohol Free initiative (PDF files)

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Underage Drinking and Academic Performance

Underage Drinking and Access to Alcohol

Underage Drinking and the Future of Children

Underage Drinking and Girls' Health

Underage Drinking and Mental Health

Underage Drinking and Public Opinion

Underage Drinking and Risky Behavior

Underage Drinking and Violence

The Maternal and Child Health Library is a virtual guide to maternal and child health information including databases, publications, resource lists, Web links, the MCH Alert (an electronic newsletter), and other resources developed for health professionals, families, and consumers. (National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health at Georgetown University)

Parenting Skills: 21 Tips & Ideas to Help You Make a Difference is designed to help parents make a difference in the prevention of underage alcohol or drug use. (Office of National Drug Control Policy)

Parents' Role in Prevention and Early Interventionto Reduce the Incidence of Substance Abuse Among Their Children, is an online briefing by Dr. Karol L. Kumpfer, Associate Professor and Director of the Strengthening Our Families Program, University of Utah, Department of Health Promotion and Education. (Center for Substance Abuse Prevention, Divison of Workplace Programs)

The SAMHSA Family Guide is a public education Web site developed by SAMHSA to communicate to parents and other caring adults about how they can help promote their child's mental health and reduce his or her risk for becoming involved with alcohol, tobacco, and illegal drugs. It contains links to programs including Start Talking Before They Start Drinking, and the Reach Out National Teach-Ins.

Talk to Your Kids About Alcohol is an education initiative that encourages parents to open the dialogue about alcohol with their preteens. It is sponsored by the Liquor Control Board of Ontario, and MADD Canada, and includes an interactive Web site that provides parents with tips for communicating, and common myths about alcohol and links to related Web sites.

Tips for Parents on Keeping Children Drug Free helps parents work with preschool- to high-school-age children as they form attitudes about drug use by providing answers to children’s questions and sources for help. The information in this booklet was taken from the U.S. Department of Education's publication, Growing Up Drug-Free: A Parent's Guide to Prevention (1998) and the White House Office of National Drug Control Policy's Juveniles and Drugs—Overview (2002).What Parents Can Do discusses laws related to parental behavior and underage alcohol consumption, and offers strategies to prevent youth access to alcohol. (Alcohol Epidemiology Program, University of Minnesota)

What Should I Tell My Child About Drinking was developed by the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence to offer advice both about good parenting and how to discuss alcohol. It includes a video and brochure.
Organizations

The Center on Alcohol Marketing and Youth at Georgetown University monitors the marketing practices of the alcohol industry to focus attention and action on industry practices that jeopardize the health and safety of America's youth. The Center is supported by grants from The Pew Charitable Trusts and The Robert Wood Johnson Foundation.

KidsHealth provides doctor-approved health information about children from before birth through adolescence, with separate areas for kids, teens, and parents. The Web site contains the results of a poll of children ages 9-to-13 on alcohol, and guidance for talking to children about alcohol.

Lowe Family Foundation is a not-for-profit public charity, whose mission is to educate the general public about the disease of alcoholism and its effects on families, children, and individuals. The Foundation provides resources including interviews, question and answer sessions with prevention specialists, publications, and information from its Families and Communities Together (FACT) program.

Mothers Against Drunk Driving (MADD) is an organization of moms, dads, young people, and others who want to stop drunk driving, support the victims of this violent crime, and prevent underage drinking. MADD's site has a section on underage drinking and links to State chapters. You can also see your State information on MADD by returning to the Leadership's home page and clicking on the State map.

The National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA) helps children and families affected by alcoholism and other drug dependencies. The Web site contains facts about the problem, and links to NACoA affiliates in several States and other national organizations.

National Clearinghouse on Families & Youth (NCFY) assists groups and individuals seeking to support young people and their families by sharing information through its Web site, providing materials for distribution at conferences and training events, conducting research on topics of interest, and partnering with others who are working on similar issues. See the NCFY section for Parents and Community Members. (Family and Youth Services Bureau)

National Family Partnership offers several tools — a parent’s kit, tips for parents, quick tips to prevent drug abuse, and fact sheets on alcohol — to help parents get involved in prevention efforts.

Parent Resources and Information on Drug Education, Inc. (PRIDE Omaha, Inc.) is a drug prevention resource center that provides links to prevention and parenting organizations, prevention funding sources, and sites to contact policymakers. The Web site's Alcohol page contains State and national resources to provide guidance to parents and other adults who are concerned about preventing minors from accessing and consuming alcohol.

PRIDE Youth Programs (PYP) is sponsored by PRIDE (Parents' Resource Institute for Drug Education), a provider of prevention services in the area of alcohol and other drugs. PYP's mission is to educate, promote, and support drug-free youth who care for the safety and health of self, peers, family and community. PRIDE began as a program for parent's, but has changed the focus to youth.

Protecting You/Protecting Me is a 5-year, science based alcohol use prevention curriculum for grades 1 through 5. (Mothers Against Drunk Driving)

Safe Homes/Safe Parties is a statewide initiative developed by Informed Families (Florida) and implemented by parents of teens and pre-teens to ensure that alcohol, drugs, and cigarettes will not be permitted at parties in their homes, and will also be discouraged at parties in the community.

Save the Night Program, sponsored by the Amica Mutual Insurance Company offers guidelines for planning safe, alcohol-free, post prom and post graduation parties..

Smart and Sober, an initiative sponsored by former Ohio First Lady Hope Taft, focuses upon giving children in grades 5-9 positive tools to help them stay alcohol free. The Web site includes general, community, and State prevention resources, and links for parents and students.

Talking With Kids About Tough Issues encourages parents to talk with their children earlier and more often about tough issues like sex, HIV/AIDS, violence, alcohol, and drug use.

Too Smart to Start, sponsored by SAMHSA is an underage alcohol use prevention initiative for parents and caregivers of 9-to-13 year-olds as they teach their children about the harms of alcohol, and participate in their activities.

Teenage Bipolar Disorder

2007-05-06T23:57:00.000-05:00

Being a teenager is not easy. Adolescents feel all kinds of pressures — to do well in school, to be popular with peers, to gain the approval of parents, to make the team, to be cool. In addition, many teenagers have other special problems. For example, they may worry about a parent being out of work or the family's financial problems. Adolescents may be hurt or confused by their parents' divorce, or they may have to learn how to live with a parent's alcoholism or mental illness.Despite these pressures, it is important to remember that most teenagers develop into healthy adults.

Children and teenagers with Bipolar Disorder have manic and/or depressive symptoms. Some may have mostly depression and others a combination of manic and depressive symptoms. Highs may alternate with lows.

Research has improved the ability to diagnose Bipolar Disorder in children and teens. Bipolar Disorder can begin in childhood and during the teenage years, although it is usually diagnosed in adult life. The illness can affect anyone. However, if one or both parents have Bipolar Disorder, the chances are greater that their children may develop the disorder. Family history of drug or alcohol abuse also may be associated with greater risk for Bipolar Disorder.

Manic symptoms include:

Severe changes in mood-either unusually happy or silly, or very irritable, angry, agitated or aggressive unrealistic highs in self-esteem - for example, a teenager who feels all powerful or like a superhero with special powers
great increase in energy and the ability to go with little or no sleep for days without feeling tired increase in talking - the adolescent talks too much, too fast, changes topics too quickly, and cannot be interrupted distractibility - the teen's attention moves constantly from one thing to the next
repeated high risk-taking behavior; such as, abusing alcohol and drugs, reckless driving, or sexual promiscuity Depressive symptoms include:
irritability, depressed mood, persistent sadness, frequent crying
thoughts of death or suicide loss of enjoyment in favorite activities
frequent complaints of physical illnesses such as headaches or stomach aches
low energy level, fatigue, poor concentration, complaints of boredom
major change in eating or sleeping patterns, such as oversleeping or overeating Some of these signs are similar to those that occur in teenagers with other problems such as drug abuse, delinquency, attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder, or even schizophrenia.

Teenagers with Bipolar Disorder can be effectively treated. Treatment for Bipolar Disorder usually includes education of the patient and the family about the illness, mood stabilizing medications such as lithium and valproic acid, and psychotherapy. Mood stabilizing medications often reduce the number and severity of manic episodes, and also help to prevent depression. Psychotherapy helps the child understand himself or herself, adapt to stresses, rebuild self-esteem and improve relationships.

The diagnosis of Bipolar Disorder in children and teens is complex and involves careful observation over an extended period of time. A thorough evaluation by a child and adolescent psychiatrist identify Bipolar Disorder and start treatment.

More Than Mood Swings: Bipolar Disorder in Teens

2007-05-06T23:03:00.000-05:00

Author:
Christine Haran

Medical Reviewer:
Vikram Tarugu, MD

Parents are often exasperated by their moody teenagers. After all, teens are known to be irritable, to sleep a lot and to resist authority figures. So how can a concerned parent determine when a teenager is just being a typical teen and when their child has a mental illness such as bipolar disorder?

Bipolar teenagers can have dramatic mood changes within a single day and may have different symptoms than adults. Below, Dr. Barbara Geller, a professor of psychiatry at Washington University in St. Louis, discusses how to recognize and treat bipolar disorder in adolescents.

What Is Bipolar Disorder?

The specific definition for bipolar disorder includes certain symptoms that patients must have to make a diagnosis. Bipolar people have to experience both depressed and manic episodes. For example, to fit the depressed part, a teen would need to be sad, to lose enjoyment in usual activities, to have trouble sleeping and eating, to be guilt-ridden or suicidal. To fit the manic part, they'd have to have elation: a mood of being happy as if the most wonderful thing in your life is happening except it's on a day that's like any other day. Parents will often see their child get suddenly silly, giddy, joking without an apparent reason.

Protect Your Children From Online Predators

2007-05-06T17:48:00.000-05:00

By Peggy Mihelich
CNN

KENNESAW, Georgia (CNN) -- For parents, the Internet can be like navigating a minefield.

While the Web allows kids the freedom to make friends, play games and research homework with the click of a button, it can pose a potential danger as online predators, cyberbullies and scam artists ply their trade.

"Your child could be physically harmed by someone he or she encounters online and later meets in person," said online security expert Benjamin Halpert on Thursday as he addressed a group of security experts at the 2007 Cyber Crime Summit in Kennesaw. (Watch and learn more about cybercrimes against kids )

"A lot of parents think, 'It will never happen to my kid,' and that's not true," he said, adding that boys and girls are victimized in equal numbers.

Parents need to take precautions, Halpert said. In "SafeOnline 101" Halpert gives parents the tools they need to protect their children from cyberthreats.

And while there's no easy solution, preventative measures can greatly reduce a child's chances of becoming a victim.

"The biggest thing is to start early. Children are going online at a younger and younger age these days. The younger you can start the better, talking to your children about it, so that it becomes ingrained as they go forward," he said.

Halpert offered common-sense steps for parents.

First he says parents need to become more computer literate and Web savvy. Take for example, instant messaging. Parents need to learn the lingo: POS is short for "parents are looking over my shoulder" and LMIRL means "let's meet in real life."(Read the FBI's lingo list -- PDF)

And do not let a child have a computer in his or her bedroom. Halpert equates that to giving a child to a complete stranger and walking away.

Instead, the computer should be in a high-traffic part of the home like the family room or kitchen. Monitor your child's surfing by wandering in and out of the room periodically and checking. (Parent safety checklist)

Halpert said Web cams are a bad idea, citing that too often they are used by online predators to solicit sexual activity.

Next establish ground rules for online use. Write up the rules and place a copy by the computer so your child can refer to them while surfing the Web. Also, have the child sign an Internet use pledge that everyone can live by and stick to. (Get a copy of a parent-child agreement form -- PDF))

Parental controls

More than half of American families with teens use filters to limit access to potentially harmful online content, according to a 2005 survey conducted by the Pew Internet and American Life Project.

Halpert said parents should know what these tools can and cannot do and how they work.

They are very effective at limiting time spent online, the sites kids can visit and the types of communications they can use, but they also might filter out sites a child might want to look at for school work.

Parents also can use monitoring software that will follow their children's every keystroke. Halpert suggests parents talk with their children before employing monitoring software.

"Make sure they understand that there is a reason why they are being monitored and that you are actually going to do it to protect them from something bad happening to them," he said.

Develop a trusting relationship so that if they do experience a problem online they will feel comfortable coming to you. And don't get mad at them with what they may show or tell you -- they may not come to you the next time something questionable happens.

Social networks

Have you ever "Googled" your child's name?

Halpert said it works for both adults and children and is a good indicator for finding out what personal information may be out there.

If your teenager is part of a social networking site like MySpace, Halpert suggested having the child set his or her profile to "private." "Instruct them, talk to them about the best way to use the technology to keep it less personal than they may would otherwise."

Read the privacy policy for any site that asks children for their personal information.

If a site is specifically child oriented it must meet Federal Trade Commission guidelines. Find out if the sites they visit comply and what rules are in place. Under law, if a child is under 13, Web sites have to get parental permission to get personal information.

If your child is into online role-playing games like Club Penguin, Halpert suggests sitting with your child while they are playing the game. "See exactly what's happening, so if something does happen you can understand the context and where it came from."

Supervise any activity that may put them into contact with someone you or they don't know.

Halpert said parents should report any suspicious activity to the Internet Service Provider, and local and federal authorities.

It's about communicating and guiding them, Halpert concluded. Done carefully they can enjoy the Web for all the good it has to offer.

GivingTeens 100 Ways To Serve In The Community

2007-05-06T17:27:00.000-05:00

Abstract

For service organizations or agencies that involve teens, "100 Ways to Make a Difference in Your Community" can be a powerful starting point for affecting change. From something as simple as "walk a neighbor's dog" to the more structured "become a peer counselor" this list has something all members can relate to. Developed by Youth Service America, a resource center and premier alliance of over 300 organizations committed to increasing the quantity and quality of opportunities for young people to serve locally, nationally, or globally, this list is sure to generate thought, discussion, and activity.

Issue

Finding ways for young people to serve in their communities.

Action

100 Ways To Make A Difference In Your Community

1. Help teach a younger child to read.

2. Help cook and/or serve a meal at a homeless shelter.

3. Gather clothing from your neighbors and donate it to a local shelter.

4. Make "I Care" kits with combs, toothbrushes, shampoo, etc. for the homeless.

5. Pack and hand out food at a local food bank.

6. Adopt a "grandfriend" and write them letters and visit them.

7. Visit senior citizens at a nursing home.

8. Rake leaves, shovel snow, clean gutters, or wash windows for a senior citizen.

9. Pick up groceries or medicine for an elderly person.

10. Go for a walk with a senior citizen in your community.

11. Deliver meals to homebound individuals.

12. Hold an afternoon dance for your local nursing home.

13. Teach a senior friend how to use a computer and the Internet.

14. Paint a mural over graffiti.

15. Invite local police officers to present a drug awareness or safety presentation.

16. Tutor a student that needs help learning English or some other subject.

17. Organize a canned goods drive.

18. Clean up a vacant lot or park.

19. Organize a campaign to raise money to purchase and install playground equipment.

20. Plant flowers in public areas that could use some color.

21. Volunteer to help at a Special Olympics event.

22. Set up a buddy system for kids with special needs in your community.

23. Raise money for Braille books for visually impaired people.

24. Read books or the newspaper on tape for visually impaired people.

25. Bring toys to children in the cancer ward of a hospital.

26. Contact your local political representative about key issues.

27. Register people to vote.

28. Organize a public issues forum for your neighborhood.

29. Volunteer at a polling booth the day of an election.

30. Take a friend to the polling booths.

31. Vote.

32. Offer to pass out election materials.

33. Plant a garden or tree where the whole neighborhood can enjoy it.

34. Set up a recycling system for your home.

35. Organize a carpooling campaign in your neighborhood.

36. Adopt an acre of a rainforest.

37. Clean up trash along a river, beach, or in a park.

38. Create a habitat for wildlife.

39. Create a campaign to encourage biking and walking.

40. Test the health of the water in your local lakes, rivers, and streams.

41. Contact your local volunteer center for opportunities to serve.

42. Volunteer at your local animal shelter.

43. Help build a home with Habitat for Humanity.

44. Walk a neighbor's dog or pet sit while they are on vacation.

45. Teach Sunday school.

46. Learn to be a peer counselor.

47. Send a letter to one of America's veterans or overseas soldiers.

48. Volunteer at your local youth center.

49. Participate in a marathon for your favorite charity.

50. Become a candy striper at your local hospital.

51. Mentor a young person.

52. Serve your country by joining AmeriCorps.

53. Become a volunteer firefighter or EMT.

54. Donate books to your local library.

55. Donate clothes to the Salvation Army.

56. Start a book club in your area.

57. Adopt a pet from the Humane Society.

58. Hold a door open for someone.

59. Give up your seat on the bus or train to someone.

60. Donate your old computer to a school.

61. Give blood.

62. Coach a children's sports team.

63. Become an organ donor.

64. Teach a dance class.

65. Participate in Job Shadow Day (February 2).

66. Organize a project for National Youth Service Days (April 26-28, 2002).

67. Volunteer on a hotline.

68. Meet with local representatives from your area.

69. Don't drink and drive.

70. Listen to others.

71. Write a letter to the editor about an issue you care about.

72. Learn First Aid.

73. Shop at local, family owned businesses.

74. Become a Big Brother or Big Sister.

75. Take a historical tour of your area about your community.

76. Write a note to a teacher that had a positive effect on you.

77. Get together with some friends to buy holiday presents for a family at a shelter.

78. Recycle.

79. Drive responsibly.

80. Get CPR and First Aid certification.

81. Don't litter.

82. Shop responsibly.

83. Don't spread or start gossip.

84. Tell a custodian that you appreciate him/her.

85. Hold a teddy bear drive for foster children, fire victims, etc.

86. Make a care package for an elderly or shut-in person.

87. Teach at an adult literacy center.

88. Sing for residents at a nursing home.

89. Befriend a new student or neighbor.

90. Babysit.

91. Look for the good in all people.

92. Coordinate a book drive.

93. Donate money to your favorite charity.

94. Make quilts or baby clothes for low-income families.

95. Bake cookies and bring them to your local fire hall or police station.

96. Donate toys or suitcases to foster children.

97. When visiting someone in a hospital, talk to someone that doesn't have many visitors.

98. Around the holidays, visit the Post Office and answer some letters to Santa.

99. Start a neighborhood welcome committee.

100. Visit www.SERVEnet.org to find volunteer opportunities in your area.

Teens Restoring The Trail

2007-05-06T10:01:00.001-05:00

Your Teen: Environmentally Tuned In?

2007-05-06T08:23:00.000-05:00

(NAPSI)-A new national survey has a nice surprise for parents who think their teens are just tuned into television and video games. The survey shows that teens are also in touch with the environment. About two-thirds of American teens say they have participated in a community cleanup or other community environmental project. And while they are online, teens are thinking about Mother Earth, with 43 percent saying they have searched the Web to learn about the environment.

This interest may be due to involved parents-more than half of the teens (55 percent) report that their parents have talked to them about things their families can do to help the environment.

Things To Do

There are a number of things that families can do to keep this trend going. The movement is called Plant It ForwardSM and it's filled with things to do at school, at home, at work and at the store. For example:

• Encourage children to visit elderly neighbors and offer to take their recycling to the curb. It's a great way to teach children about being good neighbors and motivate others to recycle.

• When carrying lunch to school or work, choose a brown paper bag rather than a plastic bag. They're natural, recyclable and biodegradable.

• Organize a class or family trip to a family-owned forest to learn about responsible forestry practices used by the more than 10 million family forest owners in the United States. Or, invite a local forester to visit a nearby school.

Be a part of the Plant It Forward movement by visiting www.abundantforests.org, where visitors can find hundreds of environmental activity ideas and can even share their favorites with friends.

Here are just a few:

• Spend a fun and educational day with your kids exploring nature's beautiful, renewable resource. Download the hiking journal with games and activities to take along.

• Show you care with a homemade gift for weddings, showers, birthdays or all occasions. They're easy to make using wood and paper, and you can personalize them with your own creative flair.

The survey was sponsored by the Abundant Forests Alliance.

About two-thirds of American teens say they have participated in a community cleanup or other community environmental project.

Successfully Raising Teenagers Without Losing Your Mind

2007-05-05T09:23:00.000-05:00

⋆Does your 15 year old defy you? Have you ever been told, “It’s my life and I can make my own decisions” by a 15 or 17 year old?
⋆Do you worry that your teenager will experiment with illegal drugs and/or sex?
⋆Does the sex-drenched media have you wondering how in the world to protect your pre-teen child?
⋆Did you know that drug addition, including alcohol abuse, is a self-inflicted disease? With some exceptions, almost every addict or alcoholic voluntarily injected or imbibed the substance for the first time.

Many caring, devoted parents struggle with kids who have succumbed to today’s drug culture. None of us can afford to say, “It can’t happen to me.” It can, and it probably will in some form or other. These wonderful young people in our homes are precious. Forces beyond our comprehension seek to tear them away from all that is good and right.

I believe your best defense is a good offense—meaning that you must be aware, every minute, of what is going on with your children. Lines of communication must be open and maintained. And don’t be fooled. If you live in tune with spiritual promptings, you will be able to take action early and quickly. You can’t afford to “hope everything will be ok.”

Adolescents who get away with minor instances of sipping beer or sneaking cigarettes are more inclined to keep experimenting until they find themselves enmeshed in addictive behavior that needs serious intervention.

Friends and relatives who have endured critical moral problems with their kids usually didn’t suspect anything until their worlds came crashing down. Or if they were a bit uneasy, they dismissed their concerns with, “Not my kid! We all attend church together.”

Watch for certain danger signals:

1. Behavior changes radically. An active, social kid becomes withdrawn and pensive—or a quiet, bookish kid gets jazzed and hyper.

2. Mood swings disrupt the family more than usual and cause consistent tension and stress between members.

3. Grades take a plunge; a good student brings home C’s and D’s. A mediocre student fails.

4. Basic hygiene gets sloppy; your son or daughter loses/gains weight (inappropriately) and/or keeps odd hours.

Physical evidence of “huffing” (inhaling solvents, aerosol deodorants, marking pen, typewriter correction fluids, or furniture polish fumes) appears in the garbage or garage. Solvent-soaked rags or paper bags, empty butane lighters, and empty aerosol cans are some of the evidence. Huffing is a growing problem with “nice” kids because they don’t think sniffing legal substances is wrong.

With the exception of oily rags or bags, any of these signals can be consistent with the changes that come with adolescence, but their persistence means trouble. When you see these signs, confront your child and express your concerns. Sometimes the thought that you’re attentive is enough to stop the downward slide. Frequently, kids who are drifting into dangerous pursuits leave hints around—they want to be caught. This often unconscious need is another reason not to ignore your suspicions.

I want to emphasize that my ideas and tips relate to beginning problems, not long-term, entrenched behavior. Criminal, psychotic, and addictive behavior are beyond the scope of my book. If you have a serious problem, you need direct intervention and the services of medical and psychological personnel.

Teenagers are a paradox--part infant, part child, and part adult (they're also part alien). You'll often watch all three aspects of the adolescent personality flicker through your kids in the space of two minutes.

Why sacrifice the best years of your life and 90 percent of every dollar you will ever earn? Human children hang around longer than any other living creatures. Even elephants manage to leave home by the time they're twelve or thirteen.

Teenagers bring the empty head, destructiveness, and downright dumbness of every other childhood stage to new heights....

Finally, remember that no parent can force good behavior. We can only set the example and then keep our arms outstretched to help our kids make the connection between morally focused living and real happiness.

2007-05-05T02:02:00.000-05:00

Helping to prepare your teen for life after high school is one of the most important tasks you'll have as a parent. Although it can be difficult to imagine your baby as an adult, with the right approach, helping your teen make the transition into adulthood can also be rewarding.

Going to college, getting a job, or taking time off are the common choices your teen will likely face. Here's how you can help your adult-to-be make the decision that's right for him or her.

College or Technical School

Although you may remember starting your own college search in the fall of your senior year, many teens these days need to get started earlier because of the extensive research involved and the deadlines for early admissions programs to more competitive programs. In fact, many students begin as early as the fall of their junior year.

A good preparation for your teen is to sit down and start writing - this is great practice for the application process. Teens should list their goals as well as their accomplishments, even if they haven't yet decided on a field of study. Ask your teen to write down a list of:

academic and personal strengths and weaknesses
extracurricular activities
awards
grade point average (GPA)
class rank
SAT, ACT, or AP scores

Next, your teen needs to think about and list the qualities he or she is looking for in a college. Does your child want to go away to school, stay close to home, or take online courses, for example?

Armed with the preliminary information your teen has gathered, it's time to begin the research. Guidebooks, the Internet, and counselors at school are particularly helpful resources. As your child chooses potential schools, you and your teen should start to make campus visits, during which time he or she can talk with students attending the college.

Experts suggest narrowing the choices to a diverse mix of about six to 10 schools where the odds range from low to high of your teen gaining admission. Applications should be filled out completely and neatly, including the essay, which your teen should revise until confident that it's his or her best work. Many schools offer help in these areas. There are also individuals you can hire if your child's school doesn't have the resources to help.

And don't cross college off the list because you're afraid the tuition will be too steep. There are many ways to receive financial help. You can ask the following about scholarships and other programs that may help:

the school counselor
the colleges' financial-aid offices
your employer; ask about any programs that they may offer

Federal aid programs are also available.

Job Options

If college isn't an option or your teen needs extra time to earn money for tuition, going directly to the work force offers many choices and benefits, such as health insurance and tuition reimbursement programs.

Entering the military can be an excellent choice for a teen who feels uncertain about his or her future. Discipline, earning money, saving for college, learning a trade - all of this is often possible in the armed forces. Veterans are also entitled to many benefits both while in the service and after.

However, your teen should carefully explore all the pros and cons of a military career. After all, if teens don't like the service or if the thought of going to war seems too scary, they can't easily drop out. If your teen wants specific training through the military, make sure the contract he or she signs specifies that.

Getting a job immediately after high school remains a good choice. If this is the route your teen wishes to take, he or she needs to learn how to search for employment, write a resume, and develop interviewing skills.

Many companies reimburse their employees for continuing education in areas related to their employment. Your teen should ask about this benefit through the human resources departments of potential employers.

Another option is an internship. Over the course of a year, your teen could potentially participate in two or three internships to explore career choices. But most internships are unpaid, so planning ahead is crucial if your teen needs to save money for living expenses.

Internships provide participants with the opportunity to learn about many facets of a particular career. They're also a great way to make contacts and develop mentoring relationships.

Taking Time Off

For some teens, taking a year off between high school and the "real world" can be beneficial. This can be a good time to travel, do community service, or even live in a foreign country before the responsibilities of life make it harder to do so.

Community service organizations offer a wide variety of choices a teen can match with his or her skills and interests. Americorps, for example, offers hundreds of programs across the United States with a small stipend, plus a chance to obtain money for college or vocational training. Many religious organizations provide community service programs as well.

However, your teen should keep in mind that the brochure may look different than reality, such as in the case of work and service camps in developing countries. Your child should expect difficulties but know that the rewards of community service often outweigh the hardships incurred - and can actually change the direction of his or her life. Speaking with previous participants in a program should give a more realistic view than any promotional material.

And taking time off doesn't necessarily put your teen at a disadvantage for college admission. For many teens - especially those who choose an internship or international service - it can actually be an advantage. If your teen is researching colleges, he or she should find out if they have delayed admissions programs. If there's no delayed admissions program, talk to the colleges to find out their attitude toward students who take time off and your teen's chances of getting in if he or she reapplies.

It's Your Teen's Life

When the subject concerns the future, some teens may try to shrug it off. Here are some tips to get the ball rolling and keep communication flowing:

Really listen to your teen and resist the temptation to provide unsolicited advice. If your teen is struggling to make a decision, a story or two about how hard it was for you or someone you know could go a long way in reassuring your teen that he or she isn't the only one.

Provide your teen with respect and support while giving up some of your control. You've spent so much of your teen's life being the one in control; it may seem hard to let go. But trying to direct your teen's future probably will not benefit him or her in the long run. This is the time for your child to develop decision-making and problem-solving skills.

Prepare your teen to take care of himself or herself away from home. This includes making major decisions regarding dating, drugs, alcohol, and sex, as well as day-to-day living skills - cooking, cleaning, laundry, grocery shopping, writing checks, and managing a budget are all important and necessary.

Don't be afraid to set limits on how much you can financially support your teen if he or she decides to take time off. It's important for teens to learn independence.

Where to Get Help

The Internet is a good starting point for researching information on your teen's interests. Also enlist the help of school counselors. These professionals can help steer your child in the right direction or refer him or her to other good sources of information.

And don't overlook your local library. In addition to books and magazine articles on subjects of interest, the librarian can be a wealth of information. There are many associations, both local and national, for thousands of occupations. Find out where they're located and get information on the appropriate steps to take in pursuing particular career paths.

Your teen may also be able to attend meetings or arrange to interview people at their workplaces to find out more about what they do. Make use of friends, relatives, or others you know in different industries. After all, there's often nothing more flattering than having someone ask about what you do.

Finally, resist the temptation to lecture and try to remain supportive and enthusiastic, even if your teen frequently changes his or her mind. Your child needs your positive influence during this transitional time.

Dying To Be Thin

2007-05-04T11:33:00.000-05:00

Helping Your Teen Maintain a Healthy Diet

2007-05-04T10:20:00.000-05:00

Kids face a myriad of issues as they go through the teenage years. Social pressures, academic pressures, and rapidly changing bodies make this time challenging for both teens and their parents. An extremely important and yet often over-looked aspect is proper nutrition.

According to a recent study published in The Journal of Adolescent Health, 70% of US teens eat fewer than two servings of vegetables per day, 55% eat fewer than two servings of fruit, and 47% eat fewer than two servings of dairy foods per day. These three vital categories of food provide vitamins, iron, calcium, and fiber that kids need for the rapid growth they are undergoing during adolescence, and kids are not eating enough of them.

Not only are teens in this country undernourished, they are also, like the rest of the population, growing increasingly obese. The number of kids with weight problems is skyrocketing - there are now triple the number of overweight kids in the US than there were in 1980, near a total of 90 million in 2000.

The health implications are alarming both while they are teenagers and as they become adults. If things don't change, today's teenagers will grow up to be the most obese adults in American history, sentencing a generation to higher rates of related diseases such as cancer, heart disease, diabetes and even osteoporosis.

While away from home, teens generally lack healthy options. Instead, they are inundated with opportunities to eat foods packed with empty and/or hidden calories. School vending machines dispense sodas and packaged snacks. Cafeteria lunches (although improving) are often fat laden and fiber-free. Finally, after school activities often put them in the vicinity of fast food chains.

One poor choice: Soda. Soft drink consumption has increased over the last decade and studies show that the more soda a teenager drinks, the more likely they are to be overweight. Pop can also lead to lower bone density and add to the risk of osteoporosis later in life since it contains phosphoric acid that can inhibit teenager's bones from absorbing calcium. And drinking soda instead of milk can lower calcium intakes.

Regardless of the choices available, teens also eat based on what their perceived peer group is eating. Media and advertising influence strongly what teens want to eat with advertising for food that is rarely nutritious. But don't despair - you have more impact on their health than you might think.

Simply insuring that your kids eat three evening meals per week at home with you can benefit their nutritional status. A study in The Journal of the American Dietetic Association found that teens that ate with their families more frequently consumed less soda, less saturated fat and more fruits, vegetables and grains. The kids increased their overall intake of fiber, calcium, folate, iron, vitamins B-6, B-12, C and E. The study also found that families that have a history of eating meals together appear to show a decreased risk for teens developing bulimic symptoms. And surveys have found that 74% of adolescents enjoy eating with their families.

When time constraints make eating together more than three meals a week impossible, you can still influence your teens' health by stocking up on healthier choices. According to a different study in the Journal of the American Dietetic Association, kids often find lack of good food at home a barrier to healthful eating. The study also noted that kids actually desire the help and encouragement of their parents in making healthy choices.

Teens offered the following suggestions on improving their eating habits: taking healthful foods with them to school, removing junk foods from the home so that they were not able to give in to momentary cravings, and getting more information (from parents, a doctor or a dietitian) on how to eat better.

Current research shows that as a parent you do still have some control over your child's health. Eating meals with your teenage children as often as possible, offering healthy snacks at home and providing foods when they go out, limiting soda, and teaching them how to cook are all useful ways to help teens stay on the right track.

Ellen Shanley and Colleen Thompson have written a book for teens called Fueling the Teen Machine (Bull Publishing, 2001; $12.95). The authors are both nutrition faculty at the University of Connecticut, and moms (they have 5 children between them ages 5-18!). If your child has a weight problem, their Overcoming Childhood Obesity (Bull Publishing, December 2003; $16.95) is a practical guide for parents on identifying overweight in their kids and addressing related issues related through various life stages (i.e. preschool, school age, and teenage). It lays strong emphasis on getting the family "back to the table" at mealtimes, noting the better nutrition in family meals along with the benefits of increased family time together. Also provided are sections on meal planning and a month's worth of dinner menus with recipes. Rather than "putting kids on diets," the emphasis is on family lifestyle changes including better food choices and increased physical activity.

The following snack recipes, which are perfect for teens to make for themselves when they get home from school, are from Fueling the Teen Machine.

Fruit and Nut Sandwiches
by Cindy Connor, RD, Millbrook, NY

Ingredients
1/3 cup dried fruit, chopped
1/4 cup nuts, chopped
1/2 cup part-skim ricotta cheese
1/4 tsp lemon juice
4 slices whole wheat bread

Method
Combine first four Ingredients in a small bowl. Spread onto bread. Cut into diagonals.

Mudd Dip
by Carolyn Brennan, Providers Nutrition Network, Plainville, CT, Serves 6

Ingredients 15-1/2 ounce can kidney beans or cannelini beans 1 Tbsp vinegar 1 tsp chili powder 1/8 tsp cumin 2 tsp minced onions 2 tsp parsley

Method
Drain beans (reserving the liquid). Place the beans, vinegar, chili powder, and cumin in a blender. Blend until smooth, adding reserved liquid as needed. Stir in the onions and parsley. Serve with whole wheat crackers or vegetable sticks.

Quesadillas by Jordan French, student, Regent District 17, Higganum, CT and Marjorie Wheeler, teacher, Westbrook High School, Westbrook CT
Serves 4

Ingredients
6 - 8 inch flour tortillas
6 tsp butter
1-1/2 cups Monterey jack or mild cheddar cheese, shredded
1 - 4 ounce can of green chilies chopped
6 Tbsp salsa
6 tsp sour cream

Method
Heat a cast iron griddle or skillet over medium high heat. Spread butter lightly on one side of each tortilla. Place one tortilla, butter side down on the hot skillet. Sprinkle cheese and chilies on the tortilla. Add anther tortilla on the top of the cheese and chilies, buttered side up. Cook until browned, turn and cook on other side. Repeat with other tortillas. Cut each tortilla into 6 wedges. Top with salsa and sour cream.

Spinach Dip for Veggies
by Cindy Connor, RD, Millbrook, NY Serves 6

Ingredients
1 cup low fat cottage cheese
1 cup fat free plain yogurt
2 cups fresh spinach, washed dried and chopped
3 medium garlic cloves, minced
1/8 tsp black pepper
1 pinch nutmeg
assorted vegetables of choice

Method
Mix all ingredients until well combined, serve with vegetables as a dip or use as a spread.

The Parent-Teen Relationship:

2007-05-03T23:37:00.000-05:00

How Parents Can Make the Most of It?

"Enjoy them now, they'll soon be teenagers!" Warnings like this from friends and relatives, together with media images of adolescents as irresponsible, rebellious troublemakers, can lead parents to expect trouble as their children enter puberty. It is a rare parent who does not approach a child's adolescence without some misgivings. But family life does not have to be a battleground during the teenage years. Parents and teens can live together, more or less harmoniously, if parents know what to expect and are willing to make some adjustments in the way they think and act.

The purpose of these fact sheets is to help parents cope more effectively during their children's adolescence. Although this information is intended mainly for parents of teenagers, it is general enough to be useful to parents of younger children as well. The first fact sheet discussed the way teenagers develop and what parents can do to help them through this time in their life. This second fact sheet focuses on strategies parents can use to deal with typical teenagers and their behavior.

The Cultural Context

Teens get bad press. All too often publicity about teenagers highlights the ones in trouble: the runaways and the lawbreakers. You rarely hear about the hospital volunteers and the camp counsellors.

Teens have no status, no recognized place in our society. We no longer need them to do essential chores like milking cows or chopping wood jobs that gave them a sense of usefulness and worth. (Even when teens work part-time, their earnings are not usually necessary for their family's survival).

Handling Anger

Growing up is difficult sometimes and anger plays a key part in the process of separating from parents. Teens resent being dependent, but they're afraid of having to take care of themselves. They are annoyed at being treated like an adult one minute and a child the next, but they often behave inconsistently themselves. And then they bristle when you point this out to them.

Understanding your teenager's anger will help you respond to it more constructively.

In a society that often appears to condone violence as a way of solving problems, we need to help our teens control their anger and express it safely especially their anger at parents. Remember that anger is a normal emotion and that other feelings like helplessness, hurt, frustration, confusion and guilt are often expressed as anger. Ask yourself: "How can a teenager in our home express anger in acceptable ways? Do we provide our teenager with any safety valve to blow off steam?" We must make it clear to our teens that yelling, cursing, hitting and other forms of aggression are unacceptable.

There are non-violent ways to work off anger: stomping off to one's room, pounding a pillow, twisting a towel, crying, talking it out, writing in a diary or doing some form of physical exercise. In helping teens to deal with their anger, the example we set is crucial.

Like younger children, teens take their cues from us. It is therefore important that we be aware of our own behavior, so that we don't become part of the problem. Teens often like to bait their parents, and mothers and fathers who overreact can be drawn into a destructive pattern of pointless arguments. The last thing an out-of-control teen needs is an out-of-control parent. Mothers and fathers need to ask themselves "How do I behave when I'm angry at my teen? Would I want my teen to imitate me?"

Parents can work off anger using the techniques suggested above too. When you feel your temperature rising over something your child has said or done, consciously force yourself to back off. Take time out. Give yourself a chance to cool off and relax a little before confronting the issue. It will help you keep things in perspective.

The way you talk is important. In the heat of argument, if you can't help "sounding off" about your teenager' behavior, do it without attacking his or her personality. A practical approach is to start your sentences with the word 'I' followed by a statement of your feelings. "I don't like it when you use that kind of language" or "I'm really upset when you take your anger out on me." This way you will avoid laying blame. In other words, speak as you would be spoken to.

The way you listen is important too in draining off your teenager's anger. It can be passive listening silence is sometimes golden. A more useful way to listen is by trying to understand what feelings lie behind your teenager's actions or words. Your response should start with the word you, as in "You sound like you're pretty frustrated," or "You look like you're really fed up." We all know how important it is to feel heard and understood, especially when we are upset. Remember that you should listen twice as much as you talk.

Young people used to grow up quickly. Now we require them to be dependent and regimented until they acquire the education they need to find jobs in a technology-oriented society.

Social isolation is another problem. The trend toward smaller families, increased mobility and the high divorce rate often mean there are no relatives close by to help teens and their parents get over the rough spots. When friction develops between parent and teenager, there may be no one to turn to for help and advice, no one who can step in and defuse the situation.

Not surprisingly, parents sometimes feel overwhelmed by the stress of bringing up teenagers. But there are steps we can take to make things better. We can begin by remembering our own adolescence. Asking ourselves questions like "How much did I share with my parents?" "How critical and argumentative was I at that stage?" and "What were my worries and dreams?" can help us accept our teens' behavior better.

Some things are true in every age and in every culture. Adolescence is always a struggle for independence it is common for teenagers to challenge their parents.

Teens still cope, as we did, with major physical changes, emotional ups and downs, unfamiliar sexual stages, peer pressure, a changing identity, important life decisions and the resulting loneliness and anxiety.

The world is changing rapidly and differs in many ways from the one we grew up in. Teens today face a more complex and impersonal society. Alcohol and drugs are more easily available. Today's teens also have to worry about AIDS, violence and uncertain job prospects.

The pressures on today's teens are intense. Young people have become a major target group for advertisers and media hucksters, who constantly urge them to grow up quickly and have it all now!

The 'Dos' and 'Don't's of Parent-Teen Communication

• Don't argue with the way your teen sees things. Instead, state your own case and speak from that. "I have a different opinion," "This is what I believe," and "This is the way I see it."

• Don't talk down to your teenager. There's nothing more irritating than a condescending tone.

• Don't lecture or preach. Again, this only provokes hostility. Besides, the average teenager goes "deaf" after hearing about five sentences.

• Don't set limits you can't enforce.

• Do focus on the behaviour, not the person.

• Do think ahead to what you will say and how you will say it.

• Do keep your messages clear and concise.

• Do stick to one issue at a time.

Rules and Discipline

It's normal for adolescents to try to test the rules. Because adolescents are dependent on their parents for a long time, they can build up a great deal of resentment. This resentment can be expressed by defying parental restrictions.

Some rules are non-negotiable like "Don't drink and drive" but keep these to a minimum. Parents who make a major confrontation out of every minor issue risk losing all their influence with their teenagers. In demanding quiet submission, they may unwittingly create a simmering foe. Whenever possible, state rules as guidelines rather than ultimatums. Otherwise, family life will become a series of power struggles.

Parents need to help their children make the transition from parental discipline to self-discipline. For this to happen, teens need to learn how to negotiate and how to cooperate in setting rules and solving problems. Today, as their horizons expand, teens are more often out of our sight; they need to learn how to think for themselves so they can make the right choices when parents are not around.

You can help your teen practice negotiating, and redirect energy that might be wasted in power struggles.

Successful teen-parent negotiation depends on three things:

1. Involving your teen in the process when you make rules, set limits or reach decisions.

2. Keeping as calm and rational as possible even when emotions run high. It is especially important to control your anger.

3. Using the following specific problem-solving method, which helps keep negotiations focused on the issue.

Problem solving has several steps: identifying the issue for negotiation, brainstorming solutions, evaluating and narrowing down the alternatives until you get a solution that you both can live with, making an agreement and evaluating the outcome.

In matters of discipline, it is helpful to see inappropriate or unacceptable behavior as a mistake in judgment or choice that carries consequences for your teen. If your teen behaves badly, make your feelings known immediately. Expressing sadness or disappointment about your teenager's unacceptable behavior is more constructive than expressing anger. The former leaves the problem where it belongs with your teen while the latter shifts the focus to you.

The next step would be to negotiate with the teen the appropriate consequences for the misbehavior so that the teen can make amends and be motivated to do better in the future.

By asserting themselves, parents project by word and action the message "I love you too much to stand by and see you do something hurtful. When you show me by your behavior that you can handle things better, I'll back off."

While resolving the immediate issue at hand is important, it's even more crucial for parents to take a long-range view. Their job is to help teens develop the ability to make good decisions for themselves.

Young people not only lack experience, but also often have little foresight. Parents should teach their teens to think like chess players: before they make a move, they should try to anticipate the consequences. "What will happen to me if I make this next decision or choice?"

At the same time, parents should be asking themselves "What can I do in this situation to help my teen be more responsible?"

Positive Parenting

Growing up is often discouraging. Telling your teenagers "I love you" is less important than showing in tangible ways that you care. One of the best ways is by helping your teenagers believe in themselves. And teens will only believe in themselves if they know we have confidence in them.

Try to recognize their efforts and the good things they do, and reassure them, at every possible opportunity, that they have the qualities we want for them. Give them the message "I don't always understand what is going on with you but I'm on your side and I have faith that you will sort things out and land on your feet."

Caring for the Caregiver

Our culture is often as unhelpful to parents as it is to teens. Parents are expected to know how to rear their children, and to do a perfect job with very little support.

When our children reach adolescence, we are caught in a classic double bind. We have to give up control, but society does not allow us to relinquish responsibility. Parents are still held accountable for the behaviour of their offspring sometimes even after they've left home.

With the loss of power also comes the bittersweet experience of giving up being needed. After years of doing for our children, the fact that they can now do for themselves can bring on a sense of loss. This is especially true for parents who have put their whole heart and soul into childrearing.

You have to take care of yourself through the teen years as your children begin to need you less and challenge you more. This means setting aside time, each day if possible, to fulfill your physical and emotional needs. This will restore your energy and sense of perspective.

Relationships with other adults are important. If you are a single parent, friends and other parents of teens can. be valuable confidants. If you are married or involved with someone, take time out to nurture and enjoy the relationship with your partner. Marriages can often come under stress during this stage. We need to take care of ourselves and sustain our relationships if we want to provide stability to our teens during this turbulent time in their lives.

Where to Turn for Help

Every parent feels overwhelmed from time to time. If you feel your family life is continually in turmoil or if you are always worried about your teens, you can reach out to other parents, as parents have always done, for ideas and support. You can look for family life education groups or groups for parents with special needs. There is also a great deal of family life education material available in audio, video and printed form. Similar material for people of different cultural backgrounds is beginning to become available. You can also ask your school, doctor or clergy for names of agencies where you can get professional counseling and parenting advice.

Testing 1 2 3

2007-05-02T14:50:00.000-05:00

Well, it’s that time of the school year-almost the end! Most teens are looking forward to vacation, but first they have to get through their last rounds of finals. And, boy, can those be daunting! There seem to be so many of them!

My daughter has three weeks of school left, and we recently discussed her end-of-the-year test schedule for the second time. She has final exams in all four of her classes. In addition to those, for two of her classes, she has end-of-course tests, which are required to be passed in order to pass the class. On top of all that, two of her classes are Advanced Placement, for which she’ll receive college credits-but she has to pass an extra test (aside from those already mentioned) in order to receive the credits! It’s enough to stress anyone out!

That much testing alone is enough to make a teenager need a vacation! Then, there are the seniors who’ll be graduating and taking SAT’s and/or ACT’s, and need to worry about those, as well as all their college plans-which are only a few short months away. As parents, we need to do what we can to make all these anxieties more bearable, at least.

Here are a few things you can do to help:

*Talk with your teen about his/her testing schedule. Find out when each test is schedule, how much
time there is between tests, and how much each weight each test is given in calculating their final
grade in a class. Also review their grades up until this point, and be aware of which tests they need
to do really well in to bring up, or maintain, their grades in each class.

*Help them plan a study schedule. Or have them do it, and then you review it. Plan an adequate
amount of study time for each test, depending on how well they are already doing in a class, as well
as whether or not they need to bring up a grade. Allow more study time for the classes in which
they have the most difficulty.

*Make sure they have plenty of time to relax, as well as time to study. Too hard a push for tests can
totally wear out a student, and make him/her burned out by the time test time actually rolls around.
Make sure they have time to do enjoyable things, as well as just to rest, and get plenty of sleep.

*Give them plenty of encouragement and help. If they’re worried about a particular test or class, do
anything you can to help them prepare for the test. Ask questions. Help make flash cards. Have
them write chapter summaries and then check them. And make sure you give them plenty of praise
encouragement about the amount of work they’re doing. It’ll give them a boost in confidence, which
can always help.

*Get tutoring for them, if they need it. If they are having real difficulty in a class, make sure they get
the help they need. Call the school counselor’s office or your teen’s teacher about tutoring. Find
out if they can recommend a program, or someone else from the class who can help.

Testing at the end of the year can produce a lot of stress and anxiety. Do all you can to help your
teenager do his/her best and get through it. For study tips and help with things like test anxiety, visit Test Taking Tips. It’s a great site with lots of help for both students and parents.